Elderly Golfer has a chat with the raccoons that live in his head, and other tales of dumbfuckery
the stupid is off the charts
once again, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that I don’t even know where to start. so today, I’m just going to spin the Big Wheel of Moron™ and see where it lands. ready? here we go.
“as we all know, the natural habitat for the Earth is actually water.”
that was Donny Convict’s Secretary of Moneygrubbing, Soybean Scott Bessent, pooh-poohing the idea that climate change is bad. as Bessent tells it, no one should worry about the rapid melting of the polar ice caps, because ‘the natural habitat for the Earth is actually water.’
dear lord, this shitwit is seriously advocating for Waterworld, one of the dumbest fucking movies ever.
Scott Bessent is so smug and pompous — and supremely self-assured — as he farts out one of the most imbecilic things you’ll ever hear in your life.
do you know why Soybean Scott is so confidently idiotic? it’s because he suffers from the heartbreak of fuckbrainoligarchosis, a malady where just because a person manages to accumulate a pile of money, they imagine they’re super-geniuses about everything.
in that clip above, Soybean Scott was speaking at the Institute of International Finance, which is sort of a support group where those afflicted by fuckbrainoligarchosis can get together and share their delusions of intelligence.
basically, the Institute of International Finance is what would happen if Monty Python’s Upper Class Twit of the Year sketch became a real boy.
oh, and fact check:
apparently, water isn’t the only liquid on Soybean Scott’s mind these days.
“as President Trump said this morning that he thinks we’re nearing the end. the US kept their side on the cease fire. we’ve stopped firing. the Straits of Vermouth have not been completely reopened.”
the Straits of Vermouth! I fucking love that. that is a Freudian slip for the ages. I’ll bet that’s what Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand calls it, too.
that’s not, however, what Preznit Fuckwit calls it.
“Italy gets a lot of oil from— the— Strait. you can call it the Strait of Hormuz or the— Hormuz Strait. I said ‘which is better?’ they said ‘either is okay, but you can call it either one. the only thing you can’t call it is the ‘Trump Strait.’ they don't like that idea.”
wait a minute — who are ‘they’, who Donny’s been in deep conversation with about ‘what to you call that watery thing next to Iran’? has he been talking to the random shrieking noises in his head? or maybe the family of raccoons that live up there?
and believe you me, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is dead serious about wanting to call it the ‘Trump Strait.’ he doesn’t crack any smile whatsoever when he says it, and then he goes on to brag about —
“by the way, speaking of that, I did a thing that people like very much, except for Mexico. I took the Gulf of Mexico and we now call it the Gulf of America. it’s not bad.”
the deteriorating old shit can’t even focus for five second on the subject at hand — his disastrous don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran — without his demented mind wandering to his Glorious Victory in the Great Renaming War of 2025.
oh, and pro tip: it’s not the Gulf of America. it’s the Gulf of Release the Full Unedited Epstein Files, You Fucking Liar.
well, that was fun — so let’s take another spin on the Big Wheel of Moron™. here we go!
because Dear Leader is mad at the Pope, now the entire Presidential Ass-Kiss Industrial Complex has be mad at the Pope, too.
Holy Mike Johnson, the limpest dick in Congress, knows what I’m talking about.
“a pontiff or any religious leader can say anything they want, but obviously if you wade into political waters, you should expect some political response and I think the Pope has received some of that. you know, I was taken a little bit aback, just honestly, frankly, by something that was said, I think he said it several days back, something about ‘those who engage in war, Jesus doesn't hear their prayers’ or something. you know, it is a very well-settled matter of Christian theology, there’s something called the ‘just war’ doctrine.”
oh look — just like Couchfuck McGee, Holy Mike Johnson knows more about popery than all the popes.
I have a question: what sick pleasure does it bring Holy Mike to neuter himself on a daily basis, in service of Dear Leader? it’s like the guy never allows himself a single independent thought. whatever Donny decides on any given day, that’s totes aces with Mike. doesn’t matter if it’s a complete one-eighty from whatever Commander Crazypants said yesterday.
hey, Holy Mike — is this you?
it’s so galling, watching all these hypocrites telling the Pope to zip his fool mouth about religion, if he knows what’s good for him. these are the people who have never once shut the fuck up about how there needs to be more religion in government. these are the same loudmouth zealots who are so horny to force their vision of prayer in the schools — and the Ten Commandments in every classroom — on We the People.
but the second the Pope is all ‘maybe sometimes war is bad and stuff,’ they’re all WAIT A MINUTE, WE DIDN’T MEAN RELIGION LIKE THAT.
and so now — just because Pope Chicago Bob was mean to Dear Leader — suddenly it’s open season on Catholics in America.
“The Trump Admin has abruptly canceled an $11M contract with Catholic Charities to shelter and care for migrant children who enter the U.S. alone, ending a relationship between the Catholic Church and the U.S. government dating back to the first arrivals of Cuban exiles in South Florida.”
lovely. Donny — the swindler who set up a bogus charity so he could steal money raised in the name of cancer-stricken children — is now punishing a legitimate charity that does actual good work, all because he’s a thin-skinned, vindictive piss-baby prick.
welcome to the United State of Eternal Fucking Embarrassment.
okay, let’s give that Big Wheel of Moron™ one final spin.
just in the nick of time, here comes that cautionary tale for why you should never play football without a helmet, Terminally-Concussed Tommy Tuberville, to let us know that it’s still okay to be a hateful piece of shit about Muslims.
“we got these third-world people coming here, these Muslims. you know, they call it a religion. what religion do you know that says ‘if you're not in our religion, we’re gonna kill ya. and we want you dead’? that's not a religion. that's a cult. they took over Europe. it’s gone.”
hey, Tom-Toms, you want to about a cult? because oh boy, do I have a cult for you.
‘the Muslims took over Europe, and its gone’? what the fuck is Terminally-Concussed Tommy talking about?
now, because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘the Muslims took over Europe’ and this is what I learned.
In 711, a Berber-led army under Tariq ibn Ziyad invaded and conquered most of modern-day Spain and Portugal in a seven-year campaign. Muslim rule flourished there for nearly 800 years until the fall of Granada in 1492.
bro, relax. that was thirteen hundred years ago — I’m pretty sure Spain and Portugal came out of it just fine.
fuck all that noise, because it’s time for our hero of the day: New York’s Islamo-communo-marxo-anarcho-fascist Mayor, Zohran Mamdani.
yesterday was April 15th — and in honor of Tax Day, Mayor Mamdani posted this vid to social media.
“when I ran for mayor, I said I was going to tax the rich. well, today we’re taxing the rich. I’m thrilled to announce we’ve secured a pied-a-tierre tax — the first in New York’s history. this is an annual fee on luxury properties worth more then $5 million whose owners do not live full-time in the city. like this penthouse, which hedge fund CEO Ken Griffin bought for $238 million. this pied-a-tierre tax is specifically designed for the richest of the rich. those who store their wealth in New York City real estate, but who don’t actually live here. and most of the time, these units are sitting empty, since, again, they don’t actually live here.”
I fucking love Mamdani. he’s so charming and charismatic — and he’s so freaking good at messaging.
no wonder the oligarchy hates Zohran’s guts. boo fucking hoo, oligarchs.
the morbidly wealthy call this luxury tax a nightmare. I call it a good start — because taxing billionaires out of existence is one sure cure for the heartbreak of fuckbrainoligarchosis.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
today in Shit That Happened While I Was Busy Writing This Shit—
Pope Bob from Chicago is not backing down, having just tweeted this:
"Woe to those who manipulate religion and the very name of God for their own military, economic, and political gain, dragging that which is sacred into darkness and filth."
https://x.com/Pontifex/status/2044759211100291129
Is it just me or does it sound like every time Hegseth tries to say Strait of Hormuz it comes out “Straight Up Vermouth?”