Elderly Golfer blithers incoherently in speech to the World Economic Forum

what the fuck is he talking about

Jan 24, 2025

it was one thing for Candidate Donny to have never had any clue what he was gibbering about. who gives a shit if the confused old dotard has no idea how tariffs work, when he’s only speechifying to the cultists.

but now he’s President Donny, and his speeches are in front of world leaders — and he’s embarrassing the shit out of our country, while making a damned fool of himself at the same time.

yesterday, Donny zoomed in to the World Economic Forum in Davos and — well, here’s how it went.

As he was introduced, the room erupted in applause. Trump began by congratulating the World Economic Forum on organizing the conference, but he quickly pivoted to his signature “America First” rhetoric. When he discussed limiting “transgender surgeries,” a few people around me sighed in disappointment.

what was supposed to be a speech about economics quickly devolved into a litany of Donny’s well-worn grievances about ‘the transgenders,’ and all the other crazypants shit that pinballs around his worm-ravaged brain — and it was incoherent as fuck.

hey, did you know that bullets are bad? or wait, maybe it’s not the bullets that are bad — maybe it’s the flat ground. listen to this clip, and tell me if you can make any sense of it.

“beautiful young people are being shot in the battlefield. you know, the bullet, very flat land as I said. and the bullet goes, there’s no, there’s no hiding, and the bullet, the only thing gonna stop the bullet is a human body. and you have to see — I’ve seen pictures.”

what in the actual fuck? from what fever swamp is Donny getting this hallucination? where is this flat land from which there is no hiding from bullets — even if you are a beautiful young soldier?

Donny’s seen pictures. are these soldiers — not just young and beautiful, but big and strong, their massive biceps riddled with bullet holes — are they coming up to Donny with tears in their eyes, and going ‘sir! sir! the ground is so flat and there’s nothing to hide behind. we’re so tired of getting shot. can’t you send us to Greenland instead? they have all kinds of rocks and shit. sir!’

above all, what does this have to do with the World Economic Forum?

hey, remember Russia’s war on Ukraine, and how it ended on Day One of Donny’s presidency, just by the sheer force of Dear Leader’s will? that was pretty awesome, wasn’t it?

oh wait, actually we don’t remember any of that shit, because (spoiler alert!) it didn’t fucking happen — despite Donny’s constant bragging during the campaign about how it would.

but look — it’s not Donny’s fault that it the war hasn’t ended. nothing is ever Donny’s fault. he would have ended the war, but OPEC and Saudi Arabia have been treating him very unfairly.

“and I’m also going to ask Saudi Arabia and OPEC to bring down the cost of oil. you gotta bring it down, which frankly I’m surprised they didn’t do before the election. they didn’t show a lot of love by them not doing that. I was a little surprised by that. if the price came down, the Russia-Ukraine war would end immediately. right now, the price is high enough that that war will continue. you gotta bring down the oil price, you’re gonna end that war. they should have done it long ago. they’re very responsible, actually, to a certain extent, for what’s taken place. millions of lives are being lost. with oil prices going down, I’ll demand that interest rates drop immediately, and likewise they should be dropping all over the world.”

look how quickly “I will end this war” becomes “why didn’t you end this war?” so unfair of Saudi Arabia not to “show a lot of love” by doing Dear Leader’s bidding.

and how humiliating is this? Donny’s now whining to Putin — via a social media post — that it’s so unfair of him not to end his war.

got that, Vlad? after all Donny’s done for you — and the Russian people — it’s time to return the favor and do him a solid. don’t make Donny put tariffs on your exports.

all this bluster is pathetic puffery. Donny is never going to stand up to his despot bestie Putin — because what’s Russian for ‘I have pee tape, shut the fuck up’?

according to Google Translate, it’s “У меня есть клейкая лента для мочи, заткнись нахуй.”

Donny knows what he knows, and that’s good enough for him. stupid things like facts are never going to penetrate his thick skull — and so Donny went on Hannity’s show a couple of nights ago to blither once again about how raking the forests would have prevented Los Angeles’s wildfires.

“remember when I took criticism because I said you have to manage your forest? the head of a country that lives in forests — a number of them, actually. Finland told me this. Austria told me this. head of Austria, head of Finland, and it was beautiful the way they expressed this. ‘we live in a forest. we are a forest nation.’ that’s beautiful, isn’t it, to say that? ‘we have trees that are the most magnificent in the world, far more beautiful than what they have in California — and much more flammable.’ he said, ‘we don’t have forest fires. we manage our forests.’”

wait, Finlanders all live in forests? what are they, Ewoks?

Donny’s been spinning this tale of Finland’s raked forests for over six years now, but there’s just one problem with the story: Finland has no fucking clue what Donny’s blithering about.

Finns have been baffled by US President Donald Trump's comments praising the country for managing its vast forests by raking.
Citing a conversation with his Finnish counterpart, Mr Trump said they spend “a lot of time on raking and cleaning.”
But President Sauli Niinisto told a Finnish daily he could not remember talking about raking when the two met.
The forestry director of the Finnish Forest Association, Heikki Savolainen, told the newspaper that raking was not usually a forest-management measure.

Finland does not rake their forests. in fact, Finlanders mocked the shit out of Donny when he first made this ludicrous claim in 2018.

but now Donny’s shoehorned this fairy tale of raked forests into his deteriorating brain, and no amount of facts are ever going to dislodge it.

but here’s the thing: you can have Ewoks raking the forests twenty-four hours a day — those forest floors could be spick and span, with nary a leaf or twig in sight — and it would have done nothing to stop a literal hurricane made of fire that happened in a city.

the fires in Los Angeles are not forest fires. but you can shout this at Donny until you’re blue in the face, and it’s not going to make one goddamned bit of difference. Donny knows what he knows, and that’s good enough for him.

here’s your hero of the day: Pam Hemphill, also known as “the MAGA granny.”

now I can hear you asking, Uncle Jeff, have you been taking crazy pills? how can someone who’s MAGA be a hero?

well, here’s why: she’s rejected the pardon that Donny tried to give her.

Ms. Hemphill, 71, who was called “MAGA Granny” in some news headlines, has said that she no longer supports Mr. Trump or believes his lie that the 2020 election was stolen. She said that a therapist had helped change her view of the attack by telling her she was “not a victim of Jan. 6; I was a volunteer.”
“I lost my critical thinking,” she said on Wednesday, reflecting on her involvement in the riot and the “Stop the Steal” movement. “Now I know it was a cult, and I was in a cult.”

see that? people can grow and change, and we should celebrate them when they do.

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.