elderly demented golfer’s handlers are terrified to let him out in public

they’re canceling interviews and appearances as fast as they can

imagine you’re a campaign manager. you send your candidate out to do a softball town hall, where he’ll answer easy questions gently lobbed at him by adoring cultists — but instead of smacking those softball questions out of the park, he decides instead to “make it into a music,” confusing the shit out of his audience for 39 excruciating minutes, as he wobbles unsteadily like an animatronic dildo.

then your guy appears in front of a room full of women who are angry about the loss of their reproductive rights, and brags about being the hombré who ended Roe.

and then he gets up in front of skeptical Latino voters, and tells a guy who is speaking through an interpreter that people who need interpreters are destroying America.

your worst nightmare is coming true, right before your very eyes. you had hoped to keep evidence of your candidate’s rapidly-increasing dementia under wraps — but now it’s advanced to the point where it can no longer be hidden. for fuck’s sake, even the normally-compliant lapdog press is pointing it out.

so what do you do? it’s a no-fucking-brainer. you do this:

Former President Donald Trump appears to be backing out of yet another major news interview, this time with NBC News.

NBC thought it secured an interview with Trump in Philadelphia focused on the economy and other issues, but the former president called it off suddenly Wednesday night, CNN’s Brian Stelter reported in his Reliable Sources newsletter, citing three unnamed sources with knowledge of the matter.

you cancel all interviews, that’s what you do — because Captain Crazypants can no longer be trusted not to take off his diaper and put it on his head.

from now on, it’s only speeches and rallies — situations where Donny doesn’t have to answer questions, or — the horror, the horror — be fact-checked.

but wait, if speeches and rallies are safe spaces, then why do this?

Trump was scheduled to speak at the October 22 "Defend the 2nd" event. As reported by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the Trump team withdrew from the event due to a schedule difficulty. Afterwards, the pro-gun organization canceled the entire thing.

really? Donny can’t even be trusted to get up in front of room full of loyal gun fetishists? what are Donny’s handlers afraid of? that he’ll be reminded of his Great Ear Grazing and wander into the tall weeds?

so for the next two weeks, it looks like it’s only hate-rallies for Donny, where he can spew all the batshit he wants — because the cultists feed off the crazy, and never question it. boats and batteries and Hannibal Lecter and hydrogen cars that explode your wife all to hell? hey, whatever Dear Leader says is the gospel truth.

meanwhile, Donny’s opponent has been unafraid to appear anywhere. no running off to safe spaces for Kamala. she walked right into the Fox News TV studios and ripped Bret Baier several new ones — she roughed him up so thoroughly that he ended up being the one complaining about how unfair it was.

oh, boo fucking hoo.

show us on the doll where Kamala Harris hurt you, Bret. how did she trample all over your fee-fees? by standing up to your constant interruptions? by not tolerating your bullshit? by calling you out for playing misleading videos?

have you ever met a bigger bunch of whiners than conservative white males? these wastes of oxygen have been at the top of society’s food chain for centuries, and yet they never stop blubbering about how unfairly the world is treating them. try being a miscarrying woman bleeding out in a Texas emergency room, and then get back to me about what’s unfair in this word.

Christ on a corn pone, look at Donny. he’s still bitching and moaning about the 60 Minutes interview he chickened out of weeks ago.

60 MINUTES SHOULD BE IMMEDIATELY TAKEN OFF THE AIR - ELECTION INTERFERENCE. CBS SHOULD LOSE ITS LICENSE. THIS IS THE BIGGEST SCANDAL IN BROADCAST HISTORY. Kamala should be investigated and forced off the Campaign, and Joe Biden allowed to take back his rightful place (He got 14 Million Primary Votes, she got none!). THIS WHOLE SORDID AND FRAUDULENT EVENT IS A THREAT TO DEMOCRACY!

it’s been three months since Joe Biden dropped out of the race, and Donny can’t stop crying about how unfair it is.

hey, you know who can stand up to adversity without boohoohooing about unfairness? Kamala Harris, that’s how.

check out how she handled a couple of hecklers at a rally yesterday. she fucking humiliated them.

“oh, you guys are at the wrong rally. I think you meant to go to the smaller one down the street.”

having fifteen thousand people laughing at them probably made the hecklers’ dicks fall off, right then and there.

contrast that with how Donny handles hecklers — he encourages his cultists to beat the shit out of them, and promises to pay the legal bills of anyone who does.

Donny did make a public appearance last night — one that was too high profile to back out of at the last minute — at the annual Alfred E. Smith Dinner. and oh look, Donny managed to come up with Melania’s public appearance fee, so she was right beside him — for the first time in months. what a happy couple.

now let’s revisit a photo of these two head-over-heels lovers that was taken almost eight years ago — at Donny’s inaugural ball in 2017.

it’s just so heartwarming — and inspiring — that these two madcaps have remained so deeply in love for so long.

hey, here’s a thing I tweeted three years ago.

holy fucking shit, the real culprits in all of this are the producers of The Apprentice, who took a bankrupt imbecile with no impulse control and the attention span of a coked-up squirrel and peddled him to millions of gullible dopes as ThE sMaRtEsT bUsInEsSmAn In ThE uNiVeRsE

I hate tell you that I told you so — no, strike that, I FUCKING LOVE to tell you that I told you so — but do you know who agrees with me? a producer of The Apprentice.

I want to apologize to America. I helped create a monster.

For nearly 25 years, I led marketing at NBC and NBCUniversal. I led the team that marketed “The Apprentice,” the reality show that made Donald Trump a household name outside of New York City, where he was better known for overextending his empire and appearing in celebrity gossip columns.

To sell the show, we created the narrative that Trump was a super-successful businessman who lived like royalty. That was the conceit of the show. At the very least, it was a substantial exaggeration; at worst, it created a false narrative by making him seem more successful than he was.

In fact, Trump declared business bankruptcy four times before the show went into production, and at least twice more during his 14 seasons hosting. The imposing board room where he famously fired contestants was a set, because his real boardroom was too old and shabby for TV.

oh, now you’re telling us.

and finally, get ready for some legal fireworks, because Judge Chutkan is not fucking around.

long story short: Jack Smith has itching to make public the evidence he has against Donny in the Big DC Election Fuckery Trial. Donny has been arguing that showing evidence of his crimes to the public would be eLeCtIoN iNtErFeReNce!!! — because everything is election interference with this guy. if he stubs his toe — or get a paper cut — he starts whining about election interference.

Judge Chutkan was having none of it, and slapped Donny with a writ of go fuck yourself.

so now, we’re going to get to see more of what Jack Smith has on Donny, as early as today — 18 days before the election.

that sound you hear is an endless series of diapers being power-loaded down at Motel-a-Lago.

(hey, thanks for putting up with the paragraph below that’s been here every day for the last two weeks. today should be the last day you see it — the Chimp is only $510 away from its fundraising goal.)

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.