E. Jean Carroll trial, day one: Donald Trump continues to be a fucking idiot

have at it, brainiac. keep digging that hole.

yesterday was Day One of the Yeah, You Definitely Raped Her Trial and Little Donny Fuckface continued to dick around as if consequences couldn’t possibly happen to him.

Trump’s inability to just the shut fuck up and stop badmouthing E. Jean is what’s landed him in a courtroom for a second civil defamation trial, and yet the stupid shit doesn’t know when to quit.

Trump unleashes Truth Social attacks against E. Jean Carroll while in court

In a series of posts on his Truth Social on Tuesday, as he was arriving in the courtroom and while he was seated with his attorneys, without his phone, Mr Trump repeated false claims that are at the center of the defamation cases against him, including his claim that he has never met Ms Carroll, and called the case an “unAmerican injustice” and that he was “wrongfully accused”.

He called the case “attempted EXTORTION” based on “fabricated lies and political shenanigans.”

have at it, brainiac — keep digging that hole. after all, continuing to defame someone while you’re on trial for defaming them worked out so well for Rudy Giuliani, right?

but it was ace parking garage lawyer Aline Habba who was the real star of the day, earning herself a chewing out from Judge Lewis Kaplan.

there’s no nice way to dance around how thoroughly over her head the parking garage lawyer is rght now. because, you see, she really is literally a parking garage lawyer.

Her past experience includes "serving as general counsel for a parking-garage company," as well as representing Trump supporter and former Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member Siggy Flicker in a fight with Facebook, per the Post.

Alina Habba has little to no courtroom experience. up to now, her main tasks have been to look pretty while she sits next to Donald Trump at the defendant’s table, to party with Trump at Mar-a-Lago, and to go on Fox News and whine about how unfair everything is.

Habba is basically another MAGA fangirl who scrawls “Mrs. Alina Trump” over and over across the cover pages of her legal briefs.

but with Joey Tacopenis having fired Trump as a client, it’s up to the traffic court lawyer to defend the object of her affection.

Trump is, of course, OUTRAGED!!! that Judge Kaplan isn’t letting him get away with bullshit that, under New York State law, no other defendant is allowed to get away with in court.

Presiding Judge Lewis Kaplan issued an order last week barring Trump and his lawyers from saying certain things. They are prohibited from making comments about Carroll’s “past romantic relationships, sexual disposition, and prior sexual experiences,” and they cannot argue that Trump did not sexually abuse or rape Carroll or act with actual malice when making his comments about her.

that didn’t stop Alina from running her fool mouth.

But on Tuesday, Trump attorney Alina Habba kicked things off by immediately insinuating that Trump hadn’t sexually assaulted Carroll.

“President Trump defended himself when publicly accused—” Habba began, when Carroll’s lawyer cut her off with an objection.

“Don’t go much farther,” Kaplan warned Habba.

this caused Alina to start in with her whiny oh my god judge you’re being so unfair to Donny don’t you know what an important man he is act and Kaplan was having none of it.

“Ms. Habba, I have heard you. I’ve considered what you have to say. And I have ruled. That’s it. In my courtroom, when a ruling is made, that’s the end, not the beginning, of the argument.”

oh god, shoot that shit right into my veins.

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Capitol Police investigate ratfucking shitweasel

self-styled c-list Batman villain Roger Stone was in the news last week for — what else? — running his stupid mouth about assassinating Eric Swalwell and Jerry Nadler.

for once in Stone’s privileged life of unpunished crime, actions might finally have consequences.

The Capitol Police are investigating remarks made by pro-Trump political operative Roger Stone discussing the assassination of two prominent House Democrats. A source told Mediaite the FBI is aiding with the investigation.

Last week, Mediaite published an audio recording of the comments, which were made weeks before the 2020 election in a conversation between Stone and his associate, former NYPD cop Sal Greco, about Reps. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) and Eric Swalwell (D-CA).

here’s hoping that Trump is prevented from becoming King Fuckface the First and pardoning Stone again.

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Hunter Biden 1, House fuckpuppets 0

the House Puke Committee has seemingly blinked and is backing off its blood oath to hold Hunter Biden in contempt of its own bullshit subpoena.

The House has stopped moving forward with a resolution to hold Hunter Biden in contempt of Congress after Biden’s lawyers and the House Judiciary and Oversight committees renewed their conversations about scheduling a date for the president’s son to appear and testify.

and so Marjorie Sporktoes Greene’s dream of seeing Hunter’s freakishly ginormous trouser trout in person will have to go unfulfilled for now.

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fear of a black anything

the right-wing panic over the existence of black airline pilots has escalated to anything bad that happens in an airport is the fault of THOSE PEOPLE.

I’ve been sitting on a landing strip for 40 minutes at JFK Airport because the Diversity Hire brigade over at this airport screwed up something and they don’t have enough gates for the planes or something to that effect. The pilot keeps updating us. This is on a flight that was already delayed three hours and I’m already sure I’m missing my connection. STOP HIRING BASED ON DEI FOR THE AIRLINES! AIR TRAVEL IS GOD AWFUL IN THIS COUNTRY NOW!

you do you, bigots.

when I was a kid, racists had to hide their identities under white hoods. nowadays they proudly vomit their hateful garbage all over not-twitter — while the Space Nazi looks on adoringly.

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what even is this

and finally, Racist Uncle Shitstain is sundowning again.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.