dumbest president ever invents the battleship

it’s all so stupid and pointless

Dec 23, 2025

Donny Convict gave us exactly one day of peace and quiet. holed up in his vermin-infested Florida golf motel for Christmas Week, he spent all of Sunday doing who the fuck even knows? he didn’t talk to the press. he wasn’t seen playing golf. he even manged to keep from posting anything too moronic to his crappy app.

it was glorious.

anyone hoping for an entire week of bliss was rudely disappointed on Monday morning, when the Wall Street Journal hit us with this:

“President Trump will announce on Monday a new type of large warship he is calling ‘battleships,’ marking a step toward achieving the president’s vision for a new ‘Golden Fleet.’”

oh, he’s ‘calling’ them ‘battleships,’ now, is he? is this like when Donny pretends to have invented some common word, like ‘groceries,’ and then explains it back to us, like we’re the idiots?

here’s the short answer: yes.

“as Commander in Chief it is my great honor to announce that I have approved a plan for the Navy to begin the construction of two brand new very large, the largest we’ve ever built— battleships. you know, we used to build— we had big battleships. these are bigger. but they will have one hundred times the— um, they’ll be one hundred times the force, the power— and, uh, there’s never been anything like these ships…. ’cause I said, why aren’t we doing battleships like we used to. and the, uh— these are the best in the world. they’ll be the fastest, the biggest, and by far, one hundred times for powerful than any— battleship ever built. if you take the biggest one, it’s one hundred times more powerful, uhhhhh— they’re longer, by— a little bit. but uh, the— and they’re bigger, they’re bigger ships. they hold much more— they use the word ‘lethality.’”

could our demented and increasingly-incoherent president please stop maximalizing everything? we get it. they’re big boats. they’re fucking ginormous. boats like no one thought possible. big, strong boats with tears in their eyes going ‘sir! sir! we’re so big and powerful, how do you do it, sir? sir!’

oh, and they’re going to be called “Trump Class” ships, because of course they are. that’s how malignant narcissism works. what’s even the point of being president if you can’t shit your name all over everything?

but wait — it gets dumber by the second. guess who’s going to have a hand in designing this ‘golden fleet.’ that’s right, the guy who knows more about drawing pictures of boats than all the pictures-of-boats drawers.

“the US Navy will lead the design of these ships along with me, because I'm a very aesthetic person.”

oh great. President Very Aesthetic Pudding Cup is going to help design a fucking warship. what would possibly go wrong?

please tell me that actual naval engineers will be just humoring Donny when he gives them his sage design advice, and that as soon as his back is turned, they’ll be rolling their eyes and miming jerk-off motions.

you’ll be shocked to learn that ginormous warships bearing nuclear weapons are exactly what our Navy does not need right now. Tom Nichols — a professor emeritus of national-security affairs at the U.S. Naval War College — has a very long piece up at The Atlantic explaining why. here’s what he says about nuclear weapons on ships.

But like everything else about this chaotic scheme, putting nuclear arms on destroyers or cruisers or “battleships” makes no sense in the 21st century—if it ever did.
In 1991, with the Soviet Union on its last legs, President George H. W. Bush ordered the removal of all such weapons from the surface fleet. Many Navy officers were relieved: I know from speaking with several at the time that they regarded nuclear weapons on their ships as a useless burden.

oh, and from the New York Times, there’s this:

Mr. Trump indicated the new vessels would have artificial intelligence capabilities, saying they would be controlled by A.I., without providing details.

wait what? there are going to be warships carrying nuclear weapons, and it will all be controlled by some computer?

that’s fucking insane.

when Donny watches the Terminator movies, does he imagines that the human-killing robots are the good guys?

you know, there’s an alternate universe somewhere out there, where right now I’m sitting at my desk, writing about some completely sane thing that President Kamala did yesterday.

why the fuck can’t I live in that timeline? why do I gotta be in the one where Preznit Fuckwit sprays the firehose of batshit straight into our faces day after day?

whatever President Kamala is getting up to in that other timeline, you can be sure as shit that it isn’t war with Greenland.

that’s right: war with Greenland. fuck me, with everything else going on in the world, I’d forgotten all about Donny’s hard-on for Greenland — and I’d blithely assumed that Donny had, too.

no such luck, Greenland’s back on the table.

reporter: “you named Governor Landry to be your new special envoy to Greenland. what do you see that role entailing, and is it still your intention that Greenland become part of the US?”

Donny: “well he called me. he viewed— Louisiana. the Louisiana Purchase, ’cause he said ‘I’m governor of Louisiana,’ and he said ‘I would love’— I didn’t call him, he called me, he’s very— proactive. he’s a great guy. he’s a deal guy. he’s a deal-maker type guy. and we need it for national protection. we need Greenland for national protection. they have a very small population. and I dunno, they say Denmark, but Denmark has spent no— money. they have no military— protection. they say Denmark was there three hundred years ago, or something with a boat. well, we were there with boats, too, I’m sure. so we’ll— have to work it all out. but he— he felts [sic] very strongly. we need it for national— we need Greenland for national security. not for minerals— we have some— we have so many sites for minerals and oil and everything. we have more oil that any other country in the world. we need Greenland for national security.”

what the fuck did we all just listen to? I can’t begin to follow the logic. because of the Louisiana Purchase that was over two hundred years ago, it makes sense to get the Governor of Louisiana involved, also because he’s a ‘deals guy’ who ‘felts’ very strongly? and something-something-boats?

oh, and fact check: Viking ships visited Greenland hundreds of years before the United States was even a thing.

this is all so stupid and pointless. wars in Venezuela and Greenland are not what We the People need right now. nor do we need ginormous AI-controlled warships carrying nuclear weapons. any sane president would instinctively understand this — but we don’t have a sane president. we have a Mad King who is so fragile and needy that he has to surround himself with gaudy totems of power. and because he has a toddler’s grasp of how the world works, all he knows is that bigger is better — and might makes right.

Donny thinks he’s building a legacy. he imagines that when he finally heads to that Great Golf Motel in the Sky, the America he leaves behind will be littered with tacky monuments to himself: the Oval Bordello. a vulgar dance hall. triumphant arches all over the National Mall. his dumb-ass name and face plastered all over our national institutions.

and now, big fucking golden ‘battleships.’

I’ve got news for Donny. the only legacy he’s building is one where his headstone will require a 24-hour security detail to ensure that a permanent piss-moat doesn’t form around it.

all that shit he’s inflicting on America will be going fuckity-bye.

all that fake-gold filigree in the Oval Bordello, all those disrespectful plaques in the ‘presidential walk of fame’ — the next Democratic president is going to pry that shit right off the walls and chuck it into the nearest dumpster.

that tacky dance hall, and the triumphal arches — if they ever even get built — the next president must bulldoze that shit flat.

and make no mistake, people will be lining up to volunteer to crowbar his name off of every building that bears it.

I’m going to be elbowing my way to the front of that line.

who’s with me?

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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