dozy dipshit Don Snorelone falls asleep at his own trial
Drowsy Donny had a very bad day in court
yesterday was Day One of the Big New York Don’t Call It Hush Money Fuckery Trial and Donald Trump had just one job: stay awake and not act like a ginormous asshole — and he fucked it up. the stupid shit fell asleep at his own criminal trial.
it was Maggie Haberman — of all people! — who blew the whistle on Dozing Don.
Even as a judge was hearing arguments on last-minute issues in a criminal case that centers on salacious allegations and threatens to upend his bid for the presidency, Mr. Trump appeared to nod off a few times, his mouth going slack and his head drooping onto his chest.
The former president’s lead lawyer, Todd Blanche, passed him notes for several minutes before Mr. Trump appeared to jolt awake and notice them.
holy shit. Remember when Hillary Clinton sat for an eleven-hour Benghazi grilling? remember when Joe Biden sat for a five-hour interview with Robert Hur? Donny Diaperstain couldn’t even last one hour at his own trial before nodding off.
wouldn’t you love to know what Trump’s lawyer’s notes said?
“wake the fuck up, dipshit, you’re on trial.”
hey look, I’m sure there’s a perfectly normal explanation.
“you’d fall asleep too if you’d been up all night snorting line after line of adderall in an anxious panic, and then crashed hard the next day because you weren’t allowed to leave the defendant’s table to hoover more rails in the courthouse bathroom. boo fucking hoo, Donny.”
oh, and guess what: the dumbfuck fell asleep a second time.
The recess didn’t appear to give Trump much of a pop, either—upon returning to the Manhattan courtroom, a Daily Beast reporter spotted Trump sitting with his arms crossed and his eyes closed after apparently dozing off a second time.
He sat, unmoving, for close to three minutes with his head leaning slightly to one side before jolting awake, again, and shifting around in an irritated manner.
#DonSnoreleone trended on not-twitter for the rest of the day.
the inability of an elderly dotard to keep his eyes open was not the only weird shit that went down at the trial yesterday.
Donny Trump was finally treated like the greasy little criminal defendant that he is, and MAGA lost its fucking mind over it.
in New York courtrooms, at the start of every criminal trial, the judge will read to the defendant “the Parker Admonishment.” it’s a set of rules for courtroom behavior. here’s what you have the right to do. here’s what you can’t do. standard stuff, read to everyone.
the Parker warning includes this bit:
MERCHAN: “If you do not show up there will be an arrest...do you understand?”
TRUMP: “I do.”
MAGA melted down over this and threw a hundred-megaton shit-fit. how can they do this to Dear Leader? no one has ever been threatened like this.
here’s Trump sycophant Elise Stefanik completely beclowning herself.
“BREAKING: Corrupt Judge Merchan, a Biden donor whose family member has profited off this case & who illegally gagged President Trump just said “If you do not show up, there will be an arrest.” A 6-8 week show trial... Total election interference. RT if you agree!”
sit your grandstanding ass the fuck down, Elise.
Trump’s ace team of parking garage lawyers continued their unbroken streak of pissing off every judge they’ve faced.
“We aren’t even even supposed to be here,” Blanche said in the last few minutes of the day, only to have the judge in front of him snap to attention.
Merchan shot back: Because he’d rather be campaigning?
What he meant, Blanche clarified, was that the GOP presidential candidate is opposed to having this historic trial in the middle of an election year. But Merchan was having none of it. He warned the Trump team that he’d already chucked aside those complaints—and that they shouldn’t be brought up again.
“laws are bullshit and why does Trump even have to be here” is a loser argument — half a billion dollars in civil judgements have proven that by now — and yet here we are again, with Donny’s lawyers more interested in pleasing their cranky client than in winning the case.
Trump is also doing himself no favors.
And for much of Monday afternoon, Mr. Trump was hunched over the defense table as Justice Merchan instructed the prospective jurors.
When the judge explained that if the case ended in a conviction, he would be responsible for imposing an appropriate sentence, Mr. Trump let out a sarcastic chuckle. He laughed again when Justice Merchan vowed to ensure a fair trial, as Mr. Bragg watched from the second row.
you do you, Donny. judges love it when a defendant pulls shit like that.
can somebody please tell Donny that he needs to be smearing bronzer onto his pale little hands, so they match his face?
meanwhile, outside the courthouse, Rudy Colludy’s equally-annoying son Andrew Giuliani was yammering into a bullhorn, when Davram Stiefler of the Good Liars stepped in.
Andrew Giuliani: “…Soros-funded district attorney in order to bring this case. there’s no underlying felony.”
Davram Stiefler: “excuse me, I’m going to give you five bucks here. it’s a hush money payment. shhh!”
time to do a wellness check on Snorty McSniffles Junior.
“trying to turn something that at worst — at worst! — was always looked at — always looked at as a misdemeanor, into a felony. they’ve changed the stature of limitations.”
yes, the addled stumblefuck really did say “stature.”
bro, can you hook your dad up, so he stays awake in court today? you’d be doing him a solid.
court adjourned at 4:40pm and the Trump campaign immediately sent out a fundraising email claiming that Trump “bolted” out of the courtroom, which is definitely a thing that poor, tired, sleepy Don Snorleone definitely did not do.
what Donny did do — and holy shit, look how completely worn out he appears — was to find a camera to stand in front of and whine.
“we had some amazing things happen today. as you know, my son is graduating from high school. it looks like the judge will not let me go to the graduation of my son who’s worked very, very hard and he is a great student.”
first: oh please, Trump doesn’t give a shit about his children. he’s never attended any of their milestone events, and he sure as fuck has no intention of attending his freakishly tall son’s high school graduation. he just wants to weasel out of court.
second, Trump is lying his face off here. what Judge Merchan said was that he would decide on the issue at a later date.
of course our worthless media took this lie at face value and ran with it.
and finally, the creator of this meme deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor.
all in all it was a pretty bad day in court for Donny Fuckstain — but at least his Trump Media stock did well, right?
ha ha, fuck no it didn’t.
shares opened 3 points down and closed almost 6 points down. if you’d bought this stock at its peak, you would have now lost two thirds of your investment.
too bad, so sad.
there's an alternate theory that Trump's lawyers kept him sedated so he wouldn't melt down in the courtroom. I'm not buying it
Happy second day of Hush Hashanah everyone!