Donny’s having a big mad because Nikki won’t let him be the Big Boy Candidate all by himself

this is not a well man

it’s not fair!
oh shit, the baby’s having a tantrum again.
Ronna said I could be the nominee!
fuck, where’s Donny’s binkie?
IT’S NOT FAIR! EVERYBODY LOVES ME! I’M THE WINNER AND NIKKI BIRDBRAIN IS THE LOSER!
no, Donny — don’t throw your diaper. no don’t — ugh. Jared, it’s your turn to clean it up.

Little Donny Shitbag is in the middle of a days-long freakout right now, because stupid old Nikki Haley won’t drop out of the race for GOP presidential nominee, and so he’s taken to his failing app to vomit out one angry all-caps rant after another.

tell me again how women are too emotional to be president.

fun fact: in 2020, Trump won New Hampshire with 85% of the vote. Nikki knocked that back to 54% in 2024. Trump is not invincible.

oh look, time traveler Trump is bringing us news from events that haven’t taken place yet. my dude, who’s going to win the Super Bowl?

bro, calm down. you’re going to stroke the fuck out.

by the way, did you know that when Trump was president, there was a guy in the White House whose official job was to play show tunes to defuse Trump whenever he’d throw tantrums? I shit you not.

an unnamed White House official nicknamed the “Music Man” was tapped to play the president his favorite show tunes to stop him when he was about to throw a tantrum.

Those tunes included “Memory” from the musical “Cats,” Grisham writes, per The Times. Although the former press secretary didn’t name the official, Politico reported in July that it was White House aide Max Miller, who is Grisham’s ex-boyfriend.

where’s the Music Man now? a nation turns its grateful eyes to you, sir.

Trump has also been making his usual childish threats.

“In the 24 hours since Trump warned that anyone who donates to Nikki Haley will be blacklisted, Haley’s campaign has raked in $1 million.”

Donny wants to be crowned Boy King now because he’s broken and damaged inside and truly believes he’s entitled to all the votes — and he can’t stand the idea that some girl is trying to hog his glory — but there’s also a practical aspect at work here.

Trump is a lazy fuck and he’s tired of having to fly around the country and make the same rambling stump speech in a dozen half-filled auditoriums.

he’s rather be at home in his ramshackle vermin-infested Florida golf motel, watching himself on teevee.

and there’s this: the more Trump campaigns, the more likely it is that he says something nutso. I’ll bet his handlers would love to keep Diarrhea Mouth Don away from live cameras.

our lazy horse-race media is addicted to having a narrative, and lately Trump has been giving a metric shitload of material.

“we are an institute in a powerful death penalty. we will put this on. we have to.”

what gibberish will Donny blurt out next?

here’s Trump just three days ago at his New Hampshire victory party.

look at this sweaty, rheumy-eyed, makeup-encrusted old fuck. look at his neck-vagina spilling over his collar. is this a well man?

is he up to the rigors of months on the campaign trail?

it makes sense for Nikki to stay in the race. right now, she hasn’t a snowball’s chance to be the nominee — but what if the Supreme Court defies expectations and actually rules that Trump can be kept off ballots?

what if Trump really does stroke the fuck out, or is convicted before November? of course Nikki’s going to want to be right there to pick up the pieces.

that she’s gets right under Donny Fuckface’s skin and keeps him in a constant state of agitation is just icing on the cake.

run, Nikki, run!