Donald Von ShitzInPantz hates his lawyer. his lawyer hates him back

Todd Blanche is the latest Trump lawyer to set his reputation on fire

believe it or not, Todd Blanche — Donny Trump’s lead lawyer in the Big Manhattan Election Fuckery Trial — used to be one of the good guys.

no fly-by-night parking garages for Blanche. right out of law school, this dude went to work for the Southern District of New York, eventually rising to become co-chief of the office’s violent crimes unit. for a time, he actually worked alongside Alvin Bragg. after leaving the SDNY, Blanche was a partner in various Wall Street law firms.

but in 2023, Todd chucked it all to work for Donald Trump. now, because of that decision, he will be for the rest of his life known as the buffoon who stood up in court and tried to convince a judge that it was okay for his client to violate his gag order — because Michael Cohen called him Von ShitzInPantz.

“Hey Von ShitzInPantz…your attacks of me stink of desperation. We are all hoping that you take the stand in your defense.”

and it’s now part of the official court record.

Blanche proceeded to read that colorfully worded, offending post into the record as Trump sat listening at the defense table.

“This one says, oh my, ShitzInPantz,” Blanche recited as he entered a screenshot of the post into the court record as Exhibit 64 — without any objection from prosecutors.

The official court stenographer duly followed along, typing the phrase into the court record as “shits in pants.”

listen to Jake Tapper on CNN. he and co-host Dana Bash can barely keep straight faces as he breaks the news to their audience.

Jake Tapper: “uh, Blanche, Todd Blanche, Trump’s attorney specifically reading a post that Michael Cohen made on Twitter on April 22nd in which he refers to Donald Trump as ‘Von Shitzinpantz.’ uh, that is just a factual record and bringing before you — this is in the court transcript — Von Shitzinpantz.”

the question must be raised: did Todd Blanche secretly thrill at reading that tweet aloud? was Blanche being passive-aggressive, or getting back at his boss? because according to reports, Donny Pantload has been badmouthing Blanche all over town.

Donald J. Trump’s Manhattan criminal trial had barely begun when he started to turn his anger toward his lead lawyer, Todd Blanche.

Although Mr. Blanche has been Mr. Trump’s favorite lawyer for some time, behind closed doors and in phone calls, the former president has complained repeatedly about him in recent weeks, according to four people familiar with the situation.

He has griped that Mr. Blanche, a former federal prosecutor and veteran litigator, has not been following his instructions closely, and has been insufficiently aggressive. Mr. Trump wants him to attack witnesses, attack what the former president sees as a hostile jury pool, and attack the judge, Juan M. Merchan.

Donald Trump is — to put it mildly — a fucking moron who believes he knows more about lawyering than all the lawyers, and he wants Blanche to be as big as asshole in court as Trump is. so he’s telling Blanche to attack the witnesses, the jury — and the judge.

Blanche isn’t a complete idiot. he knows that back-talking a judge is one of the worst things you can do during a trial — and so he’s been ignoring his damned fool client’s orders, and now Trump is hella pissed.

hey, you know who did follow Donny’s orders? Chris Kise. remember him? he was the smirking frat boy who was the lead lawyer in the Big Trump Family Business Fraud Fuckery Trial. Kise did everything he could to annoy the shit out of Judge Engoron — he backtalked, he whined, he needled the judge at every opportunity. that worked out so well for Trump that he got no mercy from Engoron, and he’s now on the hook for a half-billion dollar judgment, pending appeal — and Kise ended up on the wrong end of a sanction.

Engoron also sanctioned Donald Trump’s lawyers for peddling “bogus arguments,” ordering five attorneys to pay $7,500 each. Christopher Kise, Michael Madaio, Clifford S. Robert, Michael Farina and Armen Morian were each ordered to pay within 30 days.

know who else followed Donny’s orders to the letter and ended up sanctioned? Ms. Look At My Brand New Kidneys, the original parking garage lawyer herself.

A Florida-based federal judge has ordered nearly $1 million in sanctions against Donald Trump and his attorney Alina Habba, calling the former president a “mastermind of strategic abuse of the judicial process.”

In a blistering 46-page order, U.S. District Court Judge Donald Middlebrooks said Trump’s sprawling lawsuit against Hillary Clinton and dozens of former Justice Department and FBI officials was an almost cartoonish abuse of the legal system.

Habba has to shell out nearly a cool mil, all because she didn’t want to anger Donny and have her pool privileges at Motel-a-Lago revoked.

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so now Todd Blanche has become the latest Trump lawyer to pour gas all over his reputation and set it the fuck on fire — because while Blanche won’t go so far as to openly attack Judge Merchan, he’s been perfectly willing to make an utter fool of himself in other ways.

But it was really the battle over Trump’s refusal to obey the judge’s gag order that exposed how much Blanche seems unmoored from his past as a respected, professional litigator. Trump flagrantly violated the judge’s order to avoid speaking publicly about the jurors or witnesses, to the point where one potential juror had to be sent home because of Trump’s threatening messages. Rather than do the smart thing and tell his client to knock it off, Blanche beclowned himself in court, trying to argue that because Trump was quoting a Fox News video instead of using his own words, it didn't count. To compound the bad faith of the argument, it turned out that Trump made up part of the quote. 

“You’re losing all credibility with the court,” Merchan exasperatedly explained.

hey, if you’re a lawyer, is it a bad thing when a judge tells you that you’re losing all credibility with the court? if only there were some way to know.

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Todd continues to self-immolate. here’s some prime batshit clownfuckery from yesterday.

a reporter asked Von Shitzinpantz if he would be testifying at his trial — and listen to the lie that pours out of Donny’s unpleasant anus-mouth.

“well, I’m not allowed to testify. I’m under a gag order.”

what the fuck? that’s not how gag orders work. Trump turns to Blanche for confirmation and look at what Todd does: he nods in agreement.

huh? your client lies in public and you just stand there and dumbly nod?

the first thing Merchan did when the trial resumed this morning was to smack Donny upside the head.

After Judge Merchan takes the bench, he pushes back against Trump’s suggestion that he cannot testify. Merchan: Trump has the “absolute right” to testify, and “as the name of the order indicates,” it applies only to statements out of court.

but the judge should have also read Blanche the riot act for standing there like some grinning bobblehead while his client lied he face off.

so, is Blanche fed up with his guilty-as-fuck client yet? from yesterday:

During a contempt hearing on an additional four alleged gag order violations, Judge Juan Merchan told Blanche that it was Trump who chose to emerge in the courtroom hallway last week and assail Michael Cohen, who is a witness in the case.

“Nobody forced your client to go do that,” Merchan said. 

Blanche replied: “Your honor, I agree with that.” 

Trump looked over in surprise at Blanche, before shaking his head. In the courthouse’s overflow room, where your reporter is seated, journalists and members of the public erupted in laughter.

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hey, did you know that Donny Fuckstain has beautiful blue eyes? I know it’s true, because I read it on Truth Social.

“Contrary to the FAKE NEWS MEDIA, I don’t fall asleep during the Crooked D.A.’s Witch Hunt, especially not today. I simply close my beautiful blue eyes, sometimes, listen intensely, and take it ALL in!!!”

shut the fuck up, Donny.

and finally, I think Trump may be right about the courtroom sketch artist hating him.

but what’s not to hate?