Donald Trump's legal hell just got a whole lot worse. boo fucking hoo, dipshit

welcome to Indictment Watch Three

yesterday, two very bad things happened to the soon-to-be-thrice-indicted twice-impeached popular-vote-losing insurrection-leading serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting daughter-lusting hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing classified-war-plan-thieving weather-map-defacing tax-cheating evidence-destroying charity-defrauding money-laundering fluorescent tangerine jackass whose tawdry life of shitty crime is finally catching up with him.

yesterday morning, Trump’s ace team of parking garage lawyers met with The Guy Who Indicts War Criminals In The Hague, in a last-ditch effort to prevent Trump from being indicted for trying to overthrow his own government.

I wrote about the process the last time we went through this dance:

let me turn to an expert who can explain this much better than I can: Renato Mariotti, former federal prosecutor, current practicing lawyer and, with Asha Rangappa, co-host of the It’s Complicated podcast.

here’s Mariotti on the June 2 episode of the podcast, explaining:

“it is very commonplace — in fact, it is, I would say, expected — that before a defendent is charged by a prosecutor, the prosecutor usually lets the defense attorney know. defense attorneys usually come in and they make what’s called a ‘pitch’ to some sort of group of supervisors in that office, to basically try to convince them that actually they’re making a big mistake, and that their guy doesn’t deserve to be charged and that there are all these things they’re missing, and so on and so forth.”

“most of the time, these pitches are, ‘my client’s a fantastic person, Donald Trump has got a great charitable foundation, he’s a great father, he’s very old, he’s going to die in prison,’ all of these things — and it doesn’t persuade them. that’s usually how these go. but you have to go through the motions and take your shot.”

I guarantee that there is no fucking way Trump’s lawyers are going to persuade Jack Smith to stand down.

do I look stupid?

and so now we are all on Indictment Watch Three. it could happen at any moment.

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that was the bad news. much later in the day, Donald Trump got some worse news: he was hit with more charges in a superseding indictment for stealing classified documents.

are these charges bad for Trump? excuse me while I burst into a schadenfreude-fueled torrent of laughter.

The federal indictment, filed in the Southern District of Florida, alleges that Trump was part of a scheme to delete security video and that a newly charged defendant — who was identified as a property manager at Trump's Mar-a-Lago residence — told another employee that "the boss" wanted the server deleted.

conspiracy to destroy evidence. yep, that’s pretty fucking bad.

also: “the boss.” imagine having to refer to this corroded jackass as “the boss.”

the whole indictment reads like a script for a movie about a bunch of super fucking stupid mobsters.

“I don’t want anybody looking, I don’t want anybody looking through my boxes, I really don’t,” Trump told his lawyer in May 2022, according to the indictment. “What happens if we just don’t respond at all or don’t play ball with them? Wouldn’t it be better if we just told them we don’t have anything here?”

“my boxes.” I can’t believe that this ill-mannered child was actually president.

and oh, do you remember those classified Iranian war plans that Trump waved in the faces of two randos who were visiting him at his shitty New Jersey golf-motel-and-wife-cemetary?

that episode was not in the original indictment. it has now been added as a count of “willfully retaining national defense information.”

Former President Trump was charged Thursday with a new count of retaining classified material stemming from a taped conversation about a Pentagon "plan of attack" he shared at his Bedminster golf club in New Jersey.

here’s Trump, lying his ass off to reporters about the incident:

"I was talking and just holding up papers and talking about them, but I had no documents. I didn’t have any documents."

yeah, riiiiight.

Jack Smith now has his hands on the actual stolen war plans that Trump tried to claim didn’t exist, and shit is getting very real.

but don’t take my word for how bad this is. here’s former Trump lawyer Ty Cobb:

“I think this original indictment was engineered to last 1,000 years, and now this superseding indictment will last an antiquity,” Cobb said. “This is such a tight case; the evidence is so overwhelming.”

“overwhelming.” I like the sound of that.

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so there you have it. the news just keeps getting worse for Donald Trump and I, for one, could not be more entertained.

have a good weekend, everyone. keep that champagne on ice.