Donald Trump’s incredible shrinking campaign continues to wither and die

another day, another batshit speech

life just keeps getting sadder and sadder for Donny Convict.

that nasty black woman Kamabla keeps stealing all the headlines. it’s not fair! I’m the real president! I won the election! they cheated! I’m supposed to be running against Sleepy Joe Biden! ELECTION INTERFERENCE! I can’t believe I’m running with the guy who fucked a couch! his stupid beard is UNCONSTITUTIONAL! nobody likes Kamabla! stupid laugh! her rallies are FAKE! I should have all the attention! me me me me me!

yesterday, the bottomless pit of need was called upon to defend his farcical claim that Kamala’s crowds are all computer-generated hocus-pocus.

reporter: “you said Harris’ crowds were AI and that there weren’t people there. there’s all kinds of video evidence and people who were there have proven that false. can you tell us about why you made that claim?”
Donny: “well, I can’t say what was there, who was there. I can only tell you about ours, we have the biggest crowds ever in the history of politics. we have crowds that no one has ever seen before.”

‘the biggest crowds ever’ — hold that thought in your head for a moment, because later in the day, Donny traveled to Ashville, North Carolina for a hate-rally — his lone campaign appearance for this week. the venue for this rally was the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium.

now, I can hear you saying, wow, if Donny’s crowds are the biggest in history, I’ll bet this Thomas Wolfe Auditorium must be fucking huge. it has to be, right? after all, this guy is packing ’em in more than Martin Luther King Jr. ever did, right?

well, let’s check the deets on this ginormous auditorium to find out just how ungodly massive it is.

two thousand, four hundred and thirty-one seats. oh, that is just sad.

here’s what reviewer Tiffany B. has to say on Yelp.

“I love this small venue so much.”

‘small venue.’ that’s fucking hysterical. Captain Crowdsize can no longer fill stadiums — or even arenas. he’s now down to auditoriums. the way things are going, by the time this election season is over, Donny’s presidential campaign is going to be a nightclub act — complete with a two-drink minimum.

Donny No-Crowds is a walking, talking trash bag full of self-inflicted humiliations right now. his reputation for skipping town without paying the bills means he now has to pony up ahead of time if he wants to show his big dumb pumpkin face in any given location.

The City of Asheville confirmed receipt of a $82,247.60 payment from the Trump campaign, ahead of the former president’s Wednesday campaign event in Asheville.

The deposit will cover a two-day rental of the Thomas Wolfe Auditorium, a city-owned building that’s part of the Harrah’s Cherokee Center complex in downtown Asheville. The auditorium is the smaller of the complex’s two venues, with a maximum seating capacity of 2,431, according to the venue website.

let me tell you, nothing says ‘I’m a successful billionaire’ more than ‘pay up in advance, deadbeat’.

I guarantee you that no one is running a credit check on the Harris Campaign.

the putative theme of Donny’s hate-rally was ‘economics,’ so naturally he got the ball rolling by whining about Kamala being on the cover of Time Magazine.

“and now they’re putting her on the covers of Time Magazine, with an artist’s sketch. they don’t use a picture. they don’t use a picture, they use an artist’s sketch.”

Donny continues to fail to understand how batteries work.

“they’re going to take away eighty-four percent— and the real stuff. that’s the stuff that powers the plants. it’s not wind that goes around and around and around. darling, let’s watch the president’s state of the union speech tonight. I’m sorry, we won’t be able to do it. the wind isn’t blowing, darling.”

hey, here’s a fun true fact about Donny claim: it’s counterfactual hogwash.

Wind accounts for more than one-third of the current electricity mix in six states: Iowa, Kansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, South Dakota, and North Dakota — reflecting significant growth over the past 10 years. In 2023, 25 states generated at least 10% of their total in-state electricity from wind and solar combined.

wait, isn’t South Dakota the state where they have that governor who likes to shoot puppies? I guess Kristi Noam doesn’t get to watch TV when the wind isn’t blowing. no wonder she’s always in a dog-killing mood.

“lets make fun of shit we can’t comprehend” is a time-honored tradition in wingnutlandia.

“under Kamala’s extreme high-cost energy policy known as ‘net zero, — you know what, net zero, they have no idea what it means, by the way. it’s net zero, what does that mean? nobody knows. ask her what it means. ‘we’re gonna go to a net zero policy.’ what does it mean? ‘uh, I have no idea.’”

“nobody knows,” of course, is Trumpian bullshitspeak for “I don’t know.”

pro tip: google exists.

Net-zero emissions, or “net zero,” will be achieved when all emissions released by human activities are counterbalanced by removing carbon from the atmosphere in a process known as carbon removal.

there are currently over 140 countries that have committed to working towards net zero.

Yes, a growing coalition of countries, cities, businesses and other institutions are pledging to get to net-zero emissions. More than 140 countries, including the biggest polluters – China, the United States, India and the European Union – have set a net-zero target, covering about 88% of global emissions. More than 9,000 companies, over 1000 cities, more than 1000 educational institutions, and over 600 financial institutions have joined the Race to Zero, pledging to take rigorous, immediate action to halve global emissions by 2030.

but don’t bother trying to tell Donny that. he’s so much happier when he gets make inane jokes about what he’s too fucking dim to understand.

Donny has a bright future ahead of him as a prop comic.

“so, this is Tic Tacs, right? I don’t know if I like the company, I’ve never met— I have no idea. they’re so lucky. they’re so— look at all the television, there’s like— this is the greatest commercial they ever had. but that’s what happened. this is inflation. this is Tic Tac. this is Tic Tac. this is inflation, this is what’s happened.”

buried in this industrial-strength gibberish is a point Donny is trying and utterly failing to make.

what Donny is attempting to talk about is shrinkflation — a very real problem where corporations, instead of raising the price of an item, will reduce the amount of what they’re selling. both Biden and Kamala have been railing against shrinkflation since forever.

During his State of the Union address, President Joe Biden reached for one of his top recent peeves: shrinkflation.

“Too many corporations raise prices to pad the profits, charging more and more for less and less,” Biden said. He complained about skimpier Snickers bars and added: “The snack companies think you won’t notice if they change the size of the bag and put a hell of a lot fewer — same size bag — put fewer chips in it.”

but Donny’s a fucking idiot who wasn’t really listening when Nosferatu McGoebbels was trying to explain it to him, so all he can do is hold up some useless props and squawk inflation.

Tic Tac, by the way, is Donny’s Official Breath Mint Of Sexual Assault. let’s take a walk down memory lane and hark back to Donny’s Access Hollywood tape.

“Yeah that’s her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful... I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.”

when you’re a star, they let do it you — as long as your breath doesn’t stink like a garbage scow, apparently.

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Donnymentum — it’s unstoppable! catch his act next week at the Chuckle Hut in Hackensack, New Jersey. show up early, though — the Hut’s parking lot only has space for seven cars.