Donald Trump keeps having bad days in court. maybe that’s because he’s a fucking idiot

Donny says a few words on his own behalf. it doesn’t go well

it takes special kind of stupid to press the barrel of a gun right up against your own foot and pull the trigger until it goes click, but guess what?

in Judge Engoron’s Manhattan courtroom yesterday, a certain quadrice-indicted twice-impeached popular-vote-losing adderall-huffing insurrection-leading testimony-ducking judge-threatening lawyer-ignoring witness-tampering day-one-dictatoring disabled-veteran-dishonoring inheritance-squandering language-mangling serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting butler-bullying daughter-perving hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming bone-spur-faking ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing classified-war-plan-thieving golf-cheating weather-map-defacing horse-paste-promoting paper-towel-flinging race-baiting tax-evading evidence-destroying charity-defrauding money-laundering diaper-filling 91-count fluorescent tangerine felony factory was exactly that special kind of stupid.

yesterday was the day of closing arguments in the Big Trump Family Fraud Fuckery Trial, and as things were wrapping up, Chris Kies, the smirking-because-he-got-paid-in-advance frat lawyer raised his hand with a question for Judge Engoron: could Donald Trump say a few words on his own behalf?

never mind that Engoron had previously denied such a request.

Donald Trump won’t make his own closing argument after all in his New York civil business fraud trial after his lawyers objected to the judge’s insistence that the former president stick to “relevant” matters and “not deliver a campaign speech.”

Judge Arthur Engoron nixed Trump’s unusual plan on Wednesday, a day ahead of closing arguments.

Engoron sighed and asked if Trump would be willing to stick to the facts and the —

Trump didn’t bother to let Engoron finish his sentence. he stood up and threw a grievance-soaked technicolor shit-fit.

“This is a political witch hunt the likes of which nobody has ever seen before,” he ranted. “They owe me damages for what they’ve done.”

“We’re a very innocent company,” he continued. “We did everything right. They have no witness against us other than Michael Cohen, who’s a discredited felon. They have no witnesses against us whatsoever. They don't have one piece of paper.”

“It's a disgrace, and they should pay me damages. That's the way it should be. They should be paying me damages. This is a disgraceful situation. [...]”

“I don’t know that we’re going to get a fair ruling, but everybody knows what I just said. This is a sham, and it's a shame,” he remarked.

Trump even attacked the judge.

“You have your own agenda,” Trump told Engoron. “You can’t listen for more than one minute!”

as for Judge Engoron,

Judge Engoron let Trump continue before then saying he had one minute left. He then cut him off and urged his attorney to “please control your client.”

there’s a very precise legal term for what Trump is — a stupid fucking idiot.

Trump was already fucked in this trial — he and his larcenous children were determined to be guilty months ago — and he just fucked himself harder.

has this dipshit never heard of throwing yourself at the mercy of the court?

“your honor, take pity on me please, I’m a moron.”

by never ceasing to be a pain in the ass, by refusing to play by the rules, by violating every gag order — by being a stupid fucking idiot — Trump has pretty much guaranteed that he’s going to receive the stiffest possible penalties.

in all likelihood, Trump is going to be fined hundreds of millions of dollars. he’ll be forbidden from borrowing money from banks. his business certificates have already been canceled. he’ll have to sell off all his decayinig vermin-infested properties.

Bedminister’s next owner will make Donny dig up Ivana and take her with him.

worst of all for Trump, the entire world will know that he’s a bankrupt loser.

oh my god, I think I’m overdosing on schadenfreude as I’m typing this.

once Trump’s inevitable appeals have been exhausted, he’ll find himself in Rudy Giuliani territory — broke and out of options, all his shitty golf motels sold off at a steep discount, with a line of waiting-to-be-paid creditors so long it disappears over the horizon.

there’s no way out for Donny — this is a state civil trial. even if he becomes King Fuckface the First next January, he can’t make this go away — no matter who he sends Seal Team Six after.

all because he couldn’t keep his stupid mouth shut for five fucking minutes in a courtroom.

boo fucking hoo.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.