Donald Trump, Jim Jordan and the art of being a sore fucking loser

how to lose friends and influence nobody

the Fuckface Twins, Jimmy and Donny, are super good at losing, and yesterday was no exception.

Donald Trump’s ace team of parking garage lawyers have rightfully concluded that their case is unwinnable and their strategy going forward is to minimize the damage as much as possible.

Donny, of course, is much smarter than all the lawyers put together, and he has a cunning plan that can’t miss: dig himself deeper.

Trump returned to his Big Fraud Fuckery Trial yesterday, and he immediately found a camera to stand in front of. check out this marathon airing of every conceivable grievance.

“this is a disgraceful situation. this is an Attorney General … LeTEEEsha … that went out and campaigned on ‘I will get Trump. I will get Trump no matter what, I’ll get Trump, I promise.’ we have two tapes of her now that have come out since the trial because people took tapes of her because they couldn’t believe her ranting and raving like a lunatic, but this is the Attorney General of New York State, Letitia James, and she shouldn’t be allowed to be Attorney General. she’s defrauded the public with this trial. she said that Mar-a-Lago, she convinced the judge that Mar-a-Lago was worth, in Palm Beach Florida, the most expensive land in the world, I guess, and the most expensive houses definitely in the world, and Mar-a-Lago, the biggest house, the most spectacular place in all of Florida, was worth 18 million dollars, when it’s worth approximately, could be close to a hundred times that amount. and based on that testimony, based on her convincing the judge that Mar-a-Lago is worth 18 million dollars, instead of a billion to a billion five, which would sell very easily, which we’ve already proven, but we’ll have people come up and say that, and prove it, the most important people, the brokers that make the sales. but based on that, he ruled against me. he ruled fraud, I mean he said fraud. THEY are the fraudulent people. because they ruled a house that was worth 18 — they put down is worth 18 million, and it’s worth maybe close to a hundred times that amount, and based on that, they ruled against me, having to do with fraud, which is a big statement. but THEY are the frauds. because the house is worth a billion, a billion and a half, seven hundred and fifty million, it’s worth a fortune. it’s the most expensive house probably in the world, and they said it was worth 18 million dollars, and they don’t do anything about it.”

holy fuck, what a delusional dipshit. what a colicky crybaby.

boo fucking hoo.

I love how much it eats away at Trump’s fragile ego to be called a fraud. Donny’s entire world revolves around convincing the rubes — and himself — that he’s tHe MoSt SuCcEsSfuL BuSiNeSsMan oN tHe pLaNeT.

but “successful businessman” was a character he played on a TV show. in real life, Trump is an incompetent imbecile who went broke running casinos.

the whole world is now being shown proof that Donald Trump is a lying, cheating stumblefuck, and it’s absolutely killing him.

ha ha.

you’ll notice that Trump skated pretty close to violating the terms of his gag order, calling Letitia James and Judge Engoron frauds, but they’ll probably let that one slide.

later in the day, Trump decided it would be super-cool to doxx the Attorney General.

Donald Trump tested the boundaries of a gag order imposed by a judge overseeing his New York fraud trial by sharing an article that appears to show the home address of New York Attorney General Letitia James.

how is this fucking fuck not already in jail? please, Judge Engoron, make an example of this guy already.

what’s it going to take?

---

meanwhile, down in DC, a certain shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach was teaching a master class in how to lose friends and influence nobody, and it was fucking glorious.

Jim and his minions had spent the entire weekend bullying the 18 House Republicans who had said they weren’t going to vote for Jordan.

Team Jordan cajoled. they threatened — and they went low.

how low did they go? this low: someone sent anonymous texts to the wife of Rep. Don Bacon.

these tactics worked so well that after the first round of voting, the number of Republicans who voted against Jim increased, to 20.

ace job, Jimbo. awesome work here, really. nobody could have predicted that being a complete son of a bitch would blow up right in your unpleasant face.

The arm-twisting campaign, which in many cases included veiled threats of primary challenges, was meant to help rally support behind Jordan’s candidacy. Instead, it has put the Judiciary chair’s bid on life support and threatened to plunge House Republicans deeper into turmoil with no clear way out.

a second vote that had been scheduled for yesterday afternoon was cancelled when it became apparent that the number of Republicans unwilling to hand the Speaker’s gavel to a rape-enabling insurrectionist was growing.

Jordan punted his plan to hold a second vote on Tuesday after Republicans privately warned he was at risk of seeing his opponents’ numbers grow.

Gym’s going to hold another vote this morning, but it’s looking more and more like the wheels are coming off this particular clown car, and not a moment too soon.

hey Jim, why don’t you try out for a job that would better suit your skill set? I hear there’s an opening for a pool boy at Mar-a-Lago.