Donald Trump is in full panic mode right now, because he’s fucked and he knows it

there is not enough popcorn in America for this

Little Donny Fuckface and his ace team of parking garage lawyers spent a big sad day in court yesterday. Trump sat there like an insolent child given a timeout — he pouted, he glowered, he fidgeted in his chair — but he more or less behaved himself.

outside the courtroom, it was a different story.

Trump couldn’t get in front of the cameras fast enough, and he fucking unloaded.

this is so unfair, he whined. my crimes aren’t crimes. everybody crimes. the attorney general is racist. the judge sucks. he hates me. my properties are worth a milliontyskillon dollars. everyone knows it. this is a witch hunt.

Donald Trump is in full panic mode right now, because he’s fucked, and he fucking well knows he’s fucked.

here’s Trump outside the courtroom, prior to the trial:

“this is a continuation of the single greatest witch hunt of all time, we have a rogue judge who rules that properties are worth a tiny fraction, one one-hundredth, a tiny fraction of what they are, we have a racist attorney general who’s a horror show.”

because everyone knows that the best way to win over a judge and a prosecutor is to call them rogues and racists.

any good lawyer would have told Trump to shut his fucking mouth and keep it shut, and not dig himself deeper — but Donald does not have any good lawyers. what he has is Alina Habba, the literal parking garage lawyer.

and Alina Habba is, to put it charitably, a bit shit at her job.

in fact, we learned something super fucking hilarious at the very start of the trial — Trump isn't getting a jury because his lawyers failed to ask for one.

While Trump has raged on social media in recent weeks about the decision to forego a jury trial, he only has one group to blame: his legal team.

On July 31, the New York attorney general's office filed paperwork telling the judge it had completed all its pre-trial work and was prepared for a trial. On that form, the lawyers checked a box requesting a “Trial without jury.”

this is the face you make when the judge tells you that you forgot to ask for a jury.

why would they do this? opinion is split. some say that Trump and his lawyers are incompetent idiots who fucked up royally. others insist that Trump is playing ten-dimensional chess here and there’s some master plan at work.

we also learned a second super fucking hilarious thing: that Trump will be called to testify during his trial.

New York Attorney General Letitia James plans to call former President Donald Trump and three of his adult children to testify at his civil fraud trial set to begin in New York next week, court documents showed.

oh my god. can you imagine this loose cannon on the witness stand? there is no way it won’t be a twenty-megaton technicolor shit-show. there is not enough popcorn in America for this.

while the trial broke for lunch, Donny found some more cameras to stand in front of.

“this is disgraceful and we’re going to be here for months, with a judge that already made up his mind, it’s ridiculous. he’s a Democrat judge, he’s an operative, and it’s ridiculous.”

poor little Donny, always the victim. why won’t people just let him crime?

after the day’s session ended, there was this bit of fuckery:

“I don't think the people of this country are going to stand for it...this is a disgrace. and you ought to go after this attorney general.”

I’m sorry, but who is Trump talking to when he says you ought to go after the attorney general?

Donald Fucking Trump, always the penny-ante mob boss, always stopping just short of explicit threats, once again dog-whistling to his unhinged worshipers.

then, Trump waddled himself into a nearby Wendy’s — I shit you not, life imitates tweet — and continued to piss and moan about how unfair it all is — annoying the fuck out of children who were just trying to get a burger.

this is Trump’s life now, sulking in courtrooms all over the country. he fucking well better get used to it, because this is just the beginning, and it’s only going to get worse.

in fact, the office of the Arizona Attorney General just announced that it’s now investigating Trump’s 2020 election interference fuckery in that state.

we’re all looking forward to your next set of mug shots, Donny.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.