Donald Trump got trounced by Kamala and every Republican lost their shit

nothing is ever Dear Leader’s fault

here’s how to tell if you’re in a cult:

do you believe that Dear Leader is the supreme exemplar of alpha masculinity — even though he’s obviously an elderly, out-of-shape duffer who gets winded if he has to walk from the golf cart to the green? if so, you may be in a cult.

do you believe that Dear Leader is the savviest businessman who ever lived, despite the fact that he’s an incompetent stumblefuck who somehow managed to bankrupt five casinos? if so, you’re probably in a cult.

do you insist that it’s impossible for Dear Leader to lose, even after he lost the 2020 election and the 62 court cases that followed it — and lost the criminal trial where he was found guilty of 34 counts of business fraud? if so, cult city, my dude.

and when Dear Leader clearly and undeniably does lose, do you claim that it only happened because everything was rigged against him? if so, find a good fucking deprogrammer, pal — because you’re definitely in a cult.

folks, the wingnutsphere has achieved Peak Stupid. cue the Twilight Zone theme, and settle in with Greg Kelly — one of Newsmax’s found objects.

“am I on? all right, good. so uh, problem about tonight already. first of all this blue set is totally weird, looks like a fish tank. uh, I don’t know what’s going on, but how about this: ‘we the people.’ ‘we the people,’ preamble of the Constitution, right? well, ok. first of all, it’s slanted, that’s weird. but the other thing, ‘we the people,’ some dumb New Yorker article came out about five years ago that said ‘those are the most powerful words in the English language.’ the DNC took those three words, DNC 2020, and made it the theme of the convention. [plays video] the purple chick from soccer, all your favorite liberals, or unfavorite liberals. we the people, we the people, and again, look at this again: ‘we the people.’ I think it is a nod to the Democrats, huh? what else is new?”

oh my god, it all makes sense now. blue set, ‘we the people’ — that goddamned purple chick from soccer — connect the fuckin’ dots, man.

news flash for Greg Kelly — and every dipshit who believes his inane dog-and-pony show: a blue set and a slogan wasn’t a Jedi mind trick to goad Donny into opening his fool mouth and braying about how THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS. the deranged fuckwad did that all by himself.

boo fucking hoo. here’s a binky for he entire crew at Newsmax.

a common complaint from the chorus of whiners is this: the moderators were so unfair to Dear Leader.

stuff a sock into it, you bellyachers. the reason Kamala wasn’t fact-checked is that she didn’t say any stupid shit. remind me, was it Kamala who claimed that migrants in prisons are getting sex-change operations?

how dare the moderators correct that shit! so unfair! so unfair!

if anything, the moderators went out of their way to show deference to Donny. they turned his mic back on every time he wanted to interject when it wasn’t his turn. it was a courtesy they definitely did not extend to Kamala.

here’s your binky, crybabies.

Politico is hella mad at Kamala right now.

Politico’s complaint is that it was so unfair of Kamala to do the hard work of intense debate prep while Donny was hawking superhero trading cards of himself and goofing off on the golf course down at Motel-a-Lago.

why did that meanie Kamala have to have plans for everything? why couldn’t she just blither about having the concepts of a plan, like Dear Leader did?

binky time for Politico!

what the fuck happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial — but lately she’s become a full-bore conspiracy loon.

“Her performance was 100 per cent different from any appearance she has ever made. Not possible imo for a person so inept to change so much overnight. Is it a crime to use a technology to cheat on a Presidential debate? If so there should be discovery including asking Nova for their order records. Did the WH or VP Harris order these earrings/ear buds? I am serious.”

Naomi’s parroting a popular QAnon theory that Kamala had magical earrings that received radio signals from … Obama’s microwave oven, maybe?

never mind that Kamala’s earrings look nothing like the radio-enabled jobbies sold by Nova. logic and reason are not QAnon’s strong suit.

here’s your binky, weirdos.

Team Trump knows who to blame: Laura Loomer.

“This is what he gets for taking counsel from Laura Loomer,” one source close to Trump told NOTUS. Loomer, a far-right political activist, traveled to Philadelphia with Trump on his plane.

in this case, Team Trump is not wrong. Laura Loomer is a confirmed nutball who has no business doing debate prep for an allegedly-serious presidential candidate.

but again, it’s nobody’s fault but Dear Leader’s that he’s an easily-manipulated dupe who invited Laura Loon into his inner circle after she lavished unceasing flattery on him — and kept injecting more and more plastic into her face until she achieved the weird inflatable-sex-doll look that Donny finds irresistible.

no binky for Team Trump, because for once they’re actually correct.

so how’s Dear Leader taking things? he must be beating himself up pretty badly about barking at the moon in front of an audience of 65 million people.

please don’t tell me that Donny’s strutting about like he actually won. nobody could be that deep in denial, could they?

“People are just starting to give me credit for having a GREAT DEBATE. The Voters and Voter Polls showed it, but the Fake News Media wasn’t giving the credit that was due. Now they are seeing the results with independent Voters, Evangelicals, and more - and saying, WOW! Remember, I wasn’t debating one person, I was debating three. They should fire everybody at ABC Fake News, whose two lightweight “anchors” have brought disgrace onto the company!”

oh, my delusional dude, no.

who are these “people” who are “just starting to” give you credit? are they in the room with us right now? is it the butler? the pool boy? Nosferatu? is it Melania? oh wait, Melania isn’t part of your debate entourage. she’s nowhere to be found, because she hates your fucking guts.

it isn’t Laura Loopy, is it? bro, you really have to stop listening to Laura Lunatic.

and now, here’s Rep. Jared Moskowitz with a cold, hard dose of reality for all you whiny-ass titty babies.

“Kamala’s strategy was not a hidden strategy. they were literally telling people, ‘hey we’re gonna go out there, and we’re gonna try to get under Donald Trump’s skin. this is the strategy, we’re gonna get under his skin, and we’re gonna let Donald be Donald. and the flip side of that, Donald Trump’s strategy was also very public. ‘we’re gonna make sure we don’t let her get under our skin’ — and literally, eleven minutes in, she goes ‘crowd size,’ and he goes ‘Viktor Orban, they’re eating puppies and cats, Abdul, concepts of plans, executing babies.’ I mean, it was like diarrhea of the mouth, as soon as she said ‘crowd size.’ I can’t actually recall —telegraphing your plan, letting your opponent know what your plan is, your opponent prepping against your plan, and then, within a second of launching your plan, your opponent falling for it immediately.”

Rep. Moskowitz is so fucking good at messaging.

it’s too bad that the wingnuts aren’t listening. but it’s ok — these colicky toddlers can cry all they want. in the end they’re only going to end up with a mouthful of binky.