Donald Trump got a target letter and Republicans completely lost their shit

let us now take a look at their entirely calm and rational reactions

it’s time to do another wellness check on our pals on the right and see how they’re coping.

after Donny announced that he got his target letter, the media went running to Kevin McCarthy, who promptly set the messaging for the day: iT’s PoLiTiCaL pErSeCuTiOn!

“President Trump went up in the polls and was actually surpassing President Biden for reelection, so what do they do now? weaponize government.”

Kev, you blithering idiot, you’re a little confused here. going after a candidate in order to tank their popularity is what you did to the email lady in 2016 with your Benghazi hearings. you fucking admitted it, remember?

“Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping.”

as always, every Republican accusation is actually a confession.

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somehow-still-not-indicted sex trafficker Matt Gaetz took to his Rumble channel to call Trump’s impending indictment an ‘attack on democracy.’

an attack on democracy? excuse us if we beg to differ, you smirking fratboy plankhead sex-pest. an ‘attack on democracy’ would be sending an armed mob to invade the Capitol and disrupt the certification of an election because you’re mad about being a big fucking loser.

you know, exactly the thing your guy is about to get indicted for.

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Marjorie Three Toes Dipshit loudly proclaimed I STAND WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP!!! but as she only used three exclamation points and nine flag emojis, I’m going to have to question her sincerity. a true patriot would have put at least a dozen flags in there.

Old Sporkie sure does love to call people a “little bitch.” I guess that’s just more Republican projection.

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million dollar sanction-baby Alina Habba, who used to be a star member of Trump’s ace team of traffic-court lawyers until a judge slapped her down and made her shell out a cool mil for wasting everyone’s time, went on Newsmax and demanded to know why Nancy Pelosi wasn’t being prosecuted for … uh … look over there! squirrel!

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one-trick pony James Comer went on CBS News and ratcheted up the threat level to DEFCON HUNTER BIDEN in a desperate bid to change the subject.

hey, CBS News, why are you giving this discredited dope air time? why are you nodding thoughtfully as this meandering doofus blathers on about his latest batch of imaginary whistleblowers? what are we doing here?

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as for Target Boy himself, the soon-to-be-thrice-indicted twice-impeached popular-vote-losing insurrection-leading serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming ketchup-hurling classified-war-plan-thieving weather-map-defacing tax-cheating charity-defrauding money-laundering fluorescent tangerine jackass spent the day filling one diaper after another and panic-posting on his crappy app.

sad.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.