Donald Trump fucked around, and Donald Trump found out

34 criminal counts down, 54 criminal counts to go

in the end, it took a jury only ten hours to find Mother Teresa Donald Trump guilty of all 34 criminal counts.

Lord Emperor Fuck Around is now going to find out all about New York State’s criminal justice system. of course, Donny is a Very Special Boy and is going to be spared a lot of the indignities that you or I would face as a newly-convicted criminal, but there are still a lot of lovely moments ahead for him.

At the pre-sentence interview, a psychologist or social worker working for the probation department may also talk to Mr. Trump, during which time the defendant can “try to make a good impression and explain why he or she deserves a lighter punishment,” according to the New York State Unified Court System.

oh please. a sit-down with a psychologist or social worker is a big bowl of never going to happen. but don’t you wish it would?

social worker: “now Mr. Trump, let’s—”
Trump: “so unfair. this was a rigged trial. I don’t even know what the charges—”
social worker: [scribbles furiously into her notepad]

The pre-sentencing report can also include submissions from the defense, and may describe whether “the defendant is in a counseling program or has a steady job.”

is rage-posting on your crappy app at 3am a “steady job”?

hey, let’s check in on Donny as he makes his first public appearance as a convicted felon.

“this was a disgrace. this was a rigged trial by a conflicted judge who is corrupt. it’s a rigged trial. a disgrace. they wouldn’t give us a venue change. we were at five percent or six percent in this district, in this area. this was a rigged, disgraceful trial.”

boo fucking hoo, Donny. here’s your tiny violin.

as for the once-respected Todd Stoneface Blanche, standing there dutifully next to Trump, his MAGA clownification is complete. after the verdict, he went straight onto Fox News to join the chorus of belly-achers.

“that’s who he is. he went into court each day and he sat there and he had questions and he helped us and he was committed to his defense, and he was fighting every single day. which is what he has done for the past eight years.”

are you fucking kidding us, Todd? we have eyes and ears. we all read the reports of Lord Buttstench sleep-farting his way through the entire trial.

do you think we don’t remember this?

“Todd Blanche appeared to gently shake Trump awake, nudging his shoulder, as the six alternates filed out of the courtroom, and he was the only person still sitting down.”

that was you, Todd, trying to rouse your narcoleptic client from his slumbers. but sure, go right ahead feed us some bullshit about how engaged Trump was.

now tell us how Dear Leader would leave court every day and sink 18 consecutive holes-in-one at the nearest golf course, because guess what: you’re just another MAGA propagandist now. enjoy your new legacy — you built that.

now let’s do a wellness check on the entire Republican Party and see how they’re coping.

yeah, no. calm the fuck down, you dipshits. the “biggest threat to democracy”? get back to us when Biden sends an armed mob to the Capitol to disrupt a vote count.

here’s your tiny violin, RNC Research.

I’m going to run out of tiny violins before this thing is through, aren’t I.

professional fake hillbilly JD Vance took time out from attending a Hamptons wine tasting to zoom in to Jesse Watters’ show.

“we have to be willing to fight back. we need to be subpoenaing Judge Merchan and his daughter.”

oh, so we’re going to have spite prosecutions now? enjoy having Judge Merchan telling you to go fuck yourself, JD — you have no jurisdiction over his court. and what’s this about going after the judge’s family?

don’t nobody tell Ginni Thomas and Martha Alito that families are no longer off limits.

hey JD, here’s your tiny violin, bro. you can play some hillbilly fiddle tunes on it.

ladies and gentlemen, your Republican candidate for US Senate from the great state of Indiana.

homeslice, you don’t even get a tiny violin. cry harder.

here’s another member of the Great Unwashed who’s done his own research.

sure thing, Ace. and then Dear Leader would be an immigrant. not the solution I think you’re looking for — but here, have a tiny violin.

America’s Drunkest Judge was incoherent with rage.

“I don’t want to hear about, you know, ‘the jury decided.’”

yeah, fuck the jury. that’s just the attitude you want to hear from a judge — even a fake, drunk TV judge.

sorry, Jeanine, I just ran out of tiny violins. here, have a binky.

now let’s enjoy the complete incandescent rage of MAGA as they melt all the way down outside the courthouse, and the guilty verdict was announced.

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of course it wasn’t all gloom and doom in America last night. some of us were enjoying ourselves.

the email lady continues to live her best life. here’s how she opened her speech last night at the 23rd Annual Global Leadership Awards in Washington DC.

“thank you. thank you so much. anything going on today?”

even the Encyclopedia Fucking Britannica joined the pile-on.

oh, yes, they did.

so did Wikipedia.

David Frum totally fucking nails it here.

“So many think-pieces written about how the Democratic convention should swap out older-than-ideal nominee Joe Biden; so few about how the Republican convention should swap out proven fraudster, rapist. and convicted felon Donald Trump.”

Frum’s right. congratulations to the literally zero newspapers calling for Trump to step down. you’re all really covering yourselves with glory today.

and congratulations to the zero Republicans denouncing Trump for being a convicted felon. take a victory lap, you gutless cowards.

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now let’s go live to Melania for her reaction to the news.

you go, girl.

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for the first time in his soft, pampered life of criming without consequence, Little Donny Fuckface fought the law — and the law won.

for those of you keeping score at home, that’s 34 criminal counts down and 54 criminal counts to go. let’s do everything we can do defeat Trump at the polls this November, and then let’s all sit back in 2025 and watch Donny’s three remaining criminal trials unfold.