convicted felon has a solution to crime — just let the cops crack some skulls

loud, brutal and dumb — that’s Donny’s brand

the journalist H.L. Mencken once said, “for every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.”

Donny Convict heard that call, rolled up his sleeves and got straight to work. he’s devoted his whole life to coming up with the dumbest possible answers to the world’s most complex problems.

hurricane in the Gulf? just nuke the shit out of fucker. boom! problem gone.

drought in California? it’s as plain as the nose on your face, pal — just turn that big-ass imaginary faucet up in Canada and steal all their water.

pandemic killing thousands a day? haven’t you dummies ever heard of disinfectant? it kills germs, duh — and covid is just a germ, right? so let’s all inject Clorox into our veins. boo-yah!

Notre Dame Cathedral’s on fire? no prob, Bob — send over some flying tankers to drop a fuckton of water on that puppy. you’re welcome, France! (never mind the part where the weight of enough water to put out the fire would flatten the entire building.)

faced with an imaginary crime wave? well, then just let the cops go totally fucking ape-shit.

“… the $950 is a misnomer because you can steal what you want, you can go away. but originally, you saw kids walk in with calculators. they would calculate. they didn’t want to go over the $950, they’re standing there with calculators, adding it up. you know, these are smart— smart people. they’re not so stupid. but they have to be taught. now, if you had one really violent day, like a guy like Mike Kelly, put him in charge. Congressman Kelly, put him in charge for one day. Mike, would you say, right here — he’s a great Congressman. would you say, Mike, if you were in charge, would you say ‘oh, please, don’t touch them, don’t touch them, let them rob your store, let them’— all these stores go out of business, right? they don’t pay rent. then the city doesn’t have any— the whole— it’s a chain of events that’s so bad. one rough hour — and I mean real rough — the word will get out, and it will end immediately.”

oh boy, here we go again with the fever swamp fairy tale about thieves with calculators who are allowed to steal up to $950. you’ll be shocked to learn that it’s not happening anywhere. the story has been completely debunked — but that hasn’t stopped Donny from telling it over and over.

now Donny’s come up with an answer — one that’s clear, simple and wrong: we should just let the cops bust heads. boom! problem solved in a day. who gives a shit about civil rights, am I right? all we need to do is let cops be judge, jury and executioner — and super violent — and watch that problem disappear.

not just clear, simple and wrong, but loud, brutal and dumb — that’s Donny’s brand.

hey, did you know there was a situation where Donny had every right to send in the cops to bust heads? you know what I’m talking about.

good old January 6th, when Donny could have picked up the phone at any time and ordered the National Guard to restore order — but he didn’t. he just sat there, glued to the tv, entertained by the chaos and destruction — and loss of life — that he had wrought.

that’s how Donny reacted to that actual crime — he sat on his ass and did jack shit. but when it comes to the nonexistent problem of imaginary shoplifters with calculators? let the cops crack some skulls.

and the cultists applaud and cheer, because they’re just as ignorant as Dear Leader. in fact, they’re too dumb to realize when Dear Leader is bragging right to their faces about cheating them.

“I know a lot about overtime. I hated to give overtime. I hated it. I’d get other people— I shouldn’t say this, but I’d get other people in. I wouldn’t pay.”

hey dummies — who do you think Dear Leader is talking about when he drones on about how much he loves to exploit workers?

here’s a super fun story from New York’s recent past: when the department store Bonwit Teller went out of business in 1979, Donny bought the building with the plan of demolishing it and putting up that hideously ugly gold-plated tower that now stands in its place.

the Bonwit Teller Building was a New York landmark, with art deco limestone bas reliefs.

to quell public outrage over the demolition of a beloved landmark, Donny promised to preserve the artworks and donate them to the Museum of Modern Art.

let’s let an eyewitness describe what happened next.

When I looked outside, I realized that a cluster of workmen were on a scaffold in the process of destroying the Art Deco limestone bas relief with masonry saws and jackhammers.

This piece of art and history being drilled to bits was destroyed right in front of my eyes.

Suddenly all the gallery goers in the room noticed too, going over to the large windows in disbelief, as we watched the demolition in absolute helpless horror. The sculptures fell to the ground to crack into smithereens.

Then someone in the room muttered loud enough for all to hear: “That fucking bastard.”

No one had to ask who he was referring to.

It was Donald Trump.

oh, and check this out.

Trump initially avoided any comment about the Bonwit Teller artwork. But John Baron, a spokesperson with the Trump Organization, contacted the New York Daily News to discuss the situation. Baron informed the Daily News that “the merit of the stones was not great enough to justify the effort to save them.”

that was forty-four years ago. we now know that John Baron was Donny himself. Baron was an alias Donny used when he phoned the tabloids — usually when he wanted to brag about his latest sexual exploits.

now let’s talk about the workers that Mister I Hate To Pay Overtime hired to destroy precious artworks.

Donald J. Trump employed a crew of 200 undocumented Polish workers who worked in 12-hour shifts, without gloves, hard hats or masks, to demolish the Bonwit Teller building on Fifth Avenue, where the 58-story, golden-hued Trump Tower now stands.

The workers were paid as little as $4 an hour for their dangerous labor, less than half the union wage, if they got paid at all.

oh, huh. Donny hired “illegal aliens,” put them to work under unsafe conditions and exploited the shit out of them. did Donny pay overtime? don’t even ask.

but please, tell me again how Donny is the friend of the working class. it’s such an amusing story.

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Donny has a new excuse for the pathetically tiny crowds who are showing up to his hate-rallies: it’s all Joe Fucking Biden’s fault.

“…Wisconsin yesterday, and except for the fact that the administration would not let us have the people— we had fifty thousand, maybe more people, and we were going to do an outdoor rally. we ended up having to do it inside, in front of about a thousand people. but we had fifty thousand people that showed up. but they didn’t want me to be outside. they said that they couldn’t get us enough people, because they were guarding the United Nations and Iran. the President of Iran is here.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. no one said you had to rent a thousand-seat hall. if you had fifty thousand cultists waiting for you, why didn’t you hold your hate rally in an arena?

hey, you know who never has to come up with excuses for small crowds? you know who is actually filling ten- to eighteen-thousand-seat arenas night after night? of course you do.

hey, Donny — is it also Joe Biden’s fault that bored worshipers stream out of your rallies in droves?

try to be less of a crushing bore, bro. loud, brutal and dumb only goes so far.