chill the fuck out, we’ve got this

there’s no need for panic

so, that happened.

for about an hour after Biden’s announcement, I ran around with my hair on fire. I’d just spent a month warning everyone about the chaos that Biden dropping out would bring — infighting, battles over fundraising, lawsuits, atonal music, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together — mass hysteria.

and then a thing happened that I absolutely did not see coming: just about the entire Democratic establishment immediately threw their support behind Kamala Harris.

one after another, the endorsements came in.

Mr. Biden endorsed Ms. Harris within minutes on Sunday afternoon. Before she had uttered a word about her intentions, he was swiftly followed by other party leaders, including Bill and Hillary Clinton, key Democratic senators and influential House members. By the evening, Mr. Shapiro had publicly backed Ms. Harris after a phone call from her. She also picked up endorsements from Gov. Gavin Newsom of California, Mr. Cooper and Mr. Kelly.

Andy Beshear.

AOC, too.

all fifty State Democratic Party chairs.

numerous state delegates.

even a Nikki Haley PAC has endorsed Kamala.

A coalition of former Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley voters pledged their support for Democratic Vice President Kamala Harris' presidential bid on Sunday, hours after President Joe Biden announced that he was dropping out of the race.

and in one day, Kamala Harris raised over $50 million.

as I’m writing this, the total haul is now about $69 million. nice.

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Joe Biden remains a master at doing politics. Dark Brandon dark-brandoned the shit out of his passing of the torch. clearly, this wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision. Joe had to have worked behind the scenes to shore up this much immediate support for Kamala. he made sure not one word of any this leaked. he timed the announcement of his decision so that Donny and the Republicans spent the entire convention running against the wrong candidate. and the pièce de résistance —

Sending out a press release on Sunday afternoon, after the morning talk shows, totally screwed the media. No video clips, no “breaking news,” no chance for pundits to comment on how he sounded, looked, walked, etc. No chance to schedule guests to pick him apart as he spoke. He totally starved them of clicks and eyeballs, in repayment for them starving his candidacy of positive coverage purely for the sake of clicks and eyeballs.

look, I didn’t want any of this to happen. Biden was my guy, and I was prepared to back Joe all the way to November and beyond. but, that said, I have to admit that last night I slept better than I have any time in the last month.

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now let’s turn our attention to all the people who need to fuck all the way off.

Brian Stelter can fuck off.

Stelter spent a month screaming that JOE MUST GO — but now that he’s gotten what he wanted, he’s moved the goalposts to JOE MUST GO BUT NOT LIKE THIS. some people are just never happy.

Maggie Haberman can follow Brian Stelter all the way to Fuckoffistan.

good old Maggs, still the reliable stenographer to whom all the Republicans run when they have a trial balloon to float.

in fact, Maggie Haberman can fuck off twice.

Maggs, no Democrat gives one shit what Bobby McBrainworms Junior does with the rest of his annoying life. he doesn’t matter.

Ross Douthat can fuck off.

show us on the doll where Kamala hurt you, Ross.

hey, the entire New York Times can fuck off.

“some” is doing a fuck-ton of heavy lifting here. are these “some” black voters in the room with us right now?

note to Times nepo-publisher Arthur Gregg Sulzberger: it doesn’t matter how hard you suck up to Donny, he’s not going to make the Times his official state media if he takes power. stop trying.

hey, Washington Post — you can fuck off, too.

no. just no.

in fact, all the nitwits still rooting for their own personal fantasy ticket can fuck off.

how many times does Michelle Obama need to state that she has no interest in running for office? you’re wasting everyone’s time with this mental masturbation. do it in private.

Holy Mike Johnson can seriously fuck off.

we all knew that the Republicans were immediately going to pivot to “now Joe Biden must resign” — but these clowns are not thinking this through. first of all, Joe quitting is a big bowl of never gonna happen. second, does the GOP really want to spend the next three months running against President Kamala Harris?

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now this is awesome: the Republican Party just realized that they’re no longer running against icky old Joe Biden who smells bad and is too demented to realize that he died six months ago. they created this whole fiction about Joe Biden and now they can’t use any of it — and they’re freaking the fuck out.

look at Nosferatu McGoebbels. he’s practically in tears as he melts all the way down on Fox News.

“they held a primary! people, they had ballots! they filled out circles! they went to the voting booths! they spent money on advertisements! and as president Trump, said the Republican Party spent tens of millions of dollars running against Joe Biden! now they just woke up one morning and said never mind, we’re canceling the entire primary, we’re getting rid of our candidate and pretending the election just never even happened and let donors hand-pick a new nominee?”

it’s not fair! how dare the Democrats come together around a young and vibrant candidate, leaving our guy to be the old fart in the race.

boo fucking hoo, you grievance-babies. you demanded this happen, and now you’re whining about it. shut the fuck up and dry your eyes. here’s your binky.

as Stephen Miller noted in his crybaby rant, Donny Convict is hopping mad. he’s demanding to speak to Sleepy Brandon’s manager because he wants his money back.

So, we are forced to spend time and money on fighting Crooked Joe Biden, he polls badly after having a terrible debate, and quits the race. Now we have to start all over again. Shouldn’t the Republican Party be reimbursed for fraud in that everybody around Joe, including his doctors and the Fake News Media, knew he was not capable of running for, or being, President? Just askin’?

sorry bro — no dice. you broke it, you bought it.

in fact, Donny spent hours last night on his crappy app, yelling at Joe Biden.

I don’t know what Donny’s issue is. he’s never had a problem supporting a Kamala Harris run for office in the past.

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for the Republicans, their problems are just beginning.

our presumptive candidate is young, energetic, smart — and can speak in complete sentences.

their guy is a quadrice-indicted twice-impeached once-convicted popular-vote-losing adderall-huffing insurrection-leading ear-diapering testimony-ducking judge-threatening lawyer-ignoring witness-tampering day-one-dictatoring disabled-veteran-dishonoring inheritance-squandering rube-fleecing clown-makeup-smearing language-mangling serial-sexual-predating draft-dodging casino-bankrupting butler-bullying daughter-perving hush-money-paying real-estate-scamming bone-spur-faking ketchup-hurling justice-obstructing classified-war-plan-thieving golf-cheating weather-map-defacing horse-paste-promoting paper-towel-flinging race-baiting tax-evading evidence-destroying charity-defrauding money-laundering diaper-filling 88-count 78-year-old fluorescent tangerine felony factory.

it’s the prosecutor versus the felon. I’ll take that.