caught on tape: Donald Trump admits he lost the 2020 election

also, Aileen Cannon fucking sucks

earlier this week, journalist Ramin Setoodeh made headlines with the revelation Little Donny Fuckface is even more of a demented old dotard than any of us imagined.

over the course of six lengthy interviews, Setoodeh discovered that Donny’s grip on reality wasn’t just tenuous — it was fucking non-existent.

Donny couldn’t remember names, or dates, or faces. he told rambling, nonsensical stories — that dead people had voted for him, and that he still wielded presidential powers.

he couldn’t even remember who Ramin Setoodeh was. when Setoodeh arrived for their second interview, Donny gaped at him blankly. he had no memory of the guy — and he had no memory of their first interview. Donny started spewing the same stories he’d already told the first time.

well, Ramin Setoodeh is back with more juicy details — and this time, oh Lordy, there are tapes.

hang on to your hats, folks, because here’s Donny, slipping up and admitting that he fucking lost the 2020 election.

“he is, uh … after I lost the election — I won the election but when they said we lost.”

nice recovery, bonehead, but we all heard you say it.

of course, Donny knows he lost in 2020 — this isn’t the first time he’s admitted it. as Cassidy Hutchinson testified under oath to the January 6th Committee,

Former President Trump told his then-chief of staff “this is embarrassing,” and “I don’t want people to know that we lost,” after the Supreme Court ruled against him on a key case about the 2020 election, former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson told the House select committee investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, Capitol riot.

nobody likes to lose — but losing is a part of life. you or I, when we lose, we think to ourselves well, that fucking sucked, and then get on with our lives. maybe we even learn something — and grow — from the experience.

but not little Donny Fuckface. oh no, he’s too broken inside to do any of that shit. growth? ha ha, fuck your growth. deep within his worm-eaten brain, there lives the idea that Donald Trump Must Never Lose.

oh Donny. what did your tyrant Klansman father and your cold, distant mother do to you?

here’s the audio of Donny’s head-scratchingly baffling announcement that he needs to deal with “the” Afghanistan.

“the reason I’m doing this and devoting a lot of time to it, I have to get back up because, you know, doing the whole thing with the Afghanistan.”

I have a lot of questions. what exactly does Donny imagine he’s doing with “the” Afghanistan? what’s the problem that he thinks needs solving? who has he been talking to — is he having conversations with diplomats? state department undersecretaries? or, more importantly, who does Donny imagine he’s talking to? are they in the room with us right now?

we really need to know more about this. can someone please ask him?

of course, there’s always the chance that Donny would be too busy to comment, because right now he’s hard at work fixing the Israel.

Donny talks to dead people.

Ramin Setoodeh: “Joan [Rivers] said she was a Republican. did you know that?”

Donny: “I know one thing. she voted for me, according to what she said.”

again, there’s so much more we need to know about this. Joan Rivers told Donny she voted for him, two years after she did the old mortal-coil shuffle?

did she come to him in a dream? during a seance? via a phone call? is Joan Rivers helping Donny with the Afghanistan? frankly, I think a dead comedian would be a valuable asset to Donny’s foreign policy team. certainly she could to a better job than Stephen Miller. low bar, I know.

someone should ask Trump which other dead celebrities are in his corner. wouldn’t you love to know? Donny thinks Frederick Douglass is alive, maybe old Fred voted for him, too?

remind me, which dead celebrities is Joe Biden claiming voted for him? oh that’s right, none — because Joe Biden lives in the real world, and isn’t a deteriorating demento.

Joe Biden also — in case, like Donald Trump, you need to be brought up to speed — won the election and wields actual presidential powers.

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almost everyone not named Trump agrees: Aileen Cannon fucking sucks.

it turns out that after Judge Fangirl down in Florida was assigned to preside over the Big Trump Classified Document Fuckery Trial, her judicial colleagues were all oh fuck no, this can not happen. two of them — a federal judge, and the chief judge in the Southern District of Florida — went to her and said Aileen, you have to recuse yourself from this case. you’re too inexperienced and you’re too close to Donald Trump. it’s just not a good look for a high-profile case like this. Aileen? Aileen, are you listening?

Judge Fangirl looked up from her desk, where she’d been scrawling Mr. Aileen Trump over and over across the cover of her notebook and said I’m sorry, what? so many big words! I kind of drifted away there.

Aileen, we think you need to recuse yourself from this case.

to which Judge Fangirl replied do you think Donald Trump likes me? does he like me, or does he like-like me?

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let’s start the weekend off on a high note. it’s official: come the first of July, Stevie Three Shirts is going to prison.

after being ordered by a judge to report to prison on July 1, putrefying meat-bag Steve Bannon went whining to the US DC Circuit Court of Appeals that it was so unfair — and yesterday afternoon, they told Steve to go fuck himself. for good measure, they added go take a bath, shitsicle, we can smell you from here.

ok, I may have made that last part up.

the ruling wasn’t unanimous — there was one lone judge who thought it was totally cool for an odiferous insurrectionist to blow off a legally-issued congressional subpoeana. hey, can you guess who appointed this rogue judge? that’s right, it was the 88-count narcoleptic fart factory.

Steve now will go whining to the Supreme Court. good luck with that, Pestilence Personified — they turned down Peter Navarro’s appeal, and there’s no reason for them not to turn down yours.