Birdbrain of Alcatraz: confused old dipshit can’t tell movie from actual prison

Mad King Donny can’t separate reality from fantasy

what if I were to tell you that the world’s dumbfuckingest imbecile was sitting in the world’s tackiest golf motel, watching a movie about a notorious hellhole prison, and that this asshole’s takeaway from the experience was that America needs more hellhole prisons?

I know, it sounds absurd — but because we live in the stupidest possible timeline, that’s exactly what happened this past weekend.

REBUILD, AND OPEN ALCATRAZ! … That is why, today, I am directing the Bureau of Prisons, together with the Department of Justice, FBI, and Homeland Security, to reopen a substantially enlarged and rebuilt ALCATRAZ, to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders.

what a great idea. every American should be running around their house right now, pumping their fist in the air and shouting fuck yeah, because what an excellent use of government funds: to rebuild and enlarge a hellhole prison that was shut down the first time because it was too expensive to operate.

When the facility closed in 1963, the BOP said it was nearly three times more expensive to operate Alcatraz than any other federal prison — the per-capita cost being $10 and $13 per inmate, compared to between $3 and $5 at other facilities. This was in part because it required food and supplies to be dropped off by boat.

in a country so broke that its citizens can only afford two government-approved dolls, five pencils, and one $45 million vanity parade for its fragile diaperbaby president, sure, lets waste billions on this boondoggle.

but let’s get back to how Donny came up with this fuckbrained notion in the first place: he was sitting on his lazy ass in his vermin-infested Florida golf motel, watching ‘Escape from Alcatraz’ on TV.

Incidentally, the president’s sudden push for the tourist destination of Alcatraz to once again become a maximum-security prison complex came just hours after a South Florida PBS station aired the 1979 classic film Escape from Alcatraz. The president spent the past weekend at his Mar-a-Lago resort, which is located in Palm Beach.

how #blessed are we as a country to be ruled over by a deteriorating demento who can’t reality from fantasy?

Donny pretty much came right out and admitted he’d been watching the movie when questioned about it by reporters.

reporter: “how did you decide to reopen Alcatraz? how will you use it? how did you come up with the idea?”

Donny: “well I guess I was supposed to be a movie maker … it represents something strong, very powerful in terms of law and order. our country needs law and order. Alcatraz I would say is the ultimate, right? Alcatraz, Sing-Sing, Alcatraz, the movies, but uh right now it’s a museum, believe it or not. a lot of people go there. it housed the most violent criminals in the world, and nobody ever escaped. one person almost got there, but they, as you know the story, they found his clothing rather badly ripped up and it was a lot of shark bites, a lot of problems.”

where do we even start with this burst trash bag of mouth farts?

“Alcatraz, Sing-Sing” — does Donny even know the name of any prison that wasn’t in a movie?

Donny was supposed to be a “movie maker”? where? why after 78 years are we now just hearing about this for the first time? Donny knows more about movie making than all the movie makers, I guess.

I fucking swear, if I had a nickel for every time Donny described something as “strong and powerful,” I could afford to buy one of those two dolls that we’re allowed to have.

again with the sharks. Donny is fucking terrified of water, so every anecdote has to be spiced up with a special guest appearance by sharks. but please educate us, Donny — how many escapees were electrocuted by boat batteries? and were they happier, because it wasn’t a shark?

I hate to burst Dear Leader’s bubble, but nobody ever found a ‘shark-bitten corpse’ in the waters around Alcatraz. that’s a fairy tale made up by prison guards to scare the inmates.

… tales of man-eating sharks and killer currents spread by prison guards as a deterrent, contributed to the mythology of unassailable Alcatraz and the impossible swim.

naturally, Donny’s Director of Retribution, Pam Bondi, thinks that reopening an infamous hell-hole prison is the awesomest fucking idea she’s ever heard.

Larry Kudlow: “certain judges don’t wanna let you deport ’em back El Salvador, or wherever. president suggested over the weekend maybe rebuild and reopen Alcatraz, put ’em there, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean someplace.”

Pam Bondi: “I’m all for that — and I think it will be a cost-saver. we’ll have specially-trained guards. they’ll be in isolation, they won’t be able to run their businesses and it sends a very strong message that if you do this, you are going to be out of our society forever.”

these fucking ghouls really light up when you get them on the subject of inflicting cruelty on others, don’t they?

okay, let’s start with two notes for Larry Kudlow: first, Alcatraz isn’t in the “middle of the Pacific Ocean someplace.” it’s in San Francisco Bay. how do you not know that?

second: bro, maybe lay off the endless series of early-morning Bloody Marys you’ve been tossing back prior to your broadcasts. at least cut yourself off when you start slurring your words.

now onto Pam Bondi: please explain to us how reopening and rebuilding a prison that was closed because it was three times as expensive to operate as any other prison will be a “cost-saver.”

who is “running a business” out of their prison cells? is Pam talking about the Birdman of Alcatraz?

is Pam Bondi really going to deny sweet old Burt Lancaster his birds? how heartless.

America does not need to reopen Alcatraz. we already have more prisons, jails, and higher rates of incarceration than any other country in the world. the idea that all our problems will be magically solved if only we lock every ‘bad guy’ the fuck up is a total fantasy.

how about we take that money and spend it on schools, hospitals, and social programs?

that said, I’m all for reopening Alcatraz if Donny Convict can be its first inmate.

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meanwhile, Dear Leader’s dictum that you only get two dolls is an idea whose time has come. apparently, Ohio Republican Rep. David Joyce has been telling his constituents to shut their whiny pie-holes and be happy with less.

Dana Bash: “is that what you’re telling your constituents?”

Rep. David Joyce: “I don’t use pencils, heh heh.”

Bash: “but they do.”

Rep Joyce: “ha ha ha, yes, that’s true. look anybody who has ever chased one of these dolls, the American Girl Doll, or the chubby ones that were big when my kids were little, would know what an important Christmas event that is. but obviously, this doesn’t stop and start overnight, and so the idea that the Christmas trade is already starting to slow down and progress and their might be less around, I get it. I think the American people will understand that, because the American people understand shared sacrifice.”

shared sacrifice? this isn’t World War Two, you laughing fuckpuppet. we’re not voluntarily doing without so that GI Joe can enjoy a morning cuppa in a foxhole somewhere.

none of that shit is happening right now.

what is happening is that we’re being sold a line of bullshit about how it’s our patriotic duty to have less — all because our broken-inside dimwit president is obsessed with score-settling, and won’t admit he knows fuck-all about how economies work.

and by the way, is Donny “sharing” our “sacrifice”? is the Space Nazi? are any of our oligarchs doing without?

no? I didn’t think so. now go take your ‘shared sacrifice’ and fuck it straight the moon, pal.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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