actual antichrist really hopes they let him into heaven
sorry, pal. not a snowball’s chance in you-know-where
can you imagine Donny Convict’s vulgar and childish vision of heaven? tasteless gold filigree everywhere. ethereal golf courses, as far as the eye can see. every shot is a hole-in-one.
God — big, strong, with the tears in his eyes — calls him ‘sir,’ and asks for tips on his swing. every angel looks like Walt Nauta and serves him Diet Cokes from golden platters. not a windmill in sight. no sharks, either.
all the women look like Ivanka.
no wonder the stupid shit is so horny to get there.
“I want to try and get to heaven if possible. I hear I’m not doing well. I hear I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole.”
fact check:
bro, I don’t know how to break this to you, but you’re not “at the bottom of the totem pole” — you’re under the totem pole. you’re dead fucking last in the race to grace.
Preznit Fuckwit thinks ending the war in Ukraine is going to put him on the fast track to Eternal Cloudland?
what about his entire lifetime spent pulling all that evil fuckery? what about the Seven Deadly Sins? as I’ve written before,
Donny Convict is what would happen if the Seven Deadly Sins became a real boy. let’s check them off: pride — yup. greed — you betcha. lust — just ask Ivanka. envy — no shit. gluttony — have you seen his waistline? wrath — ducked any ketchup bottles lately? sloth — the lazy fuck drives his golf cart right up onto the green.
that shit is way toxic to the Big Guy Upstairs.
but let’s get all opposite-of-John-Lennon for a minute and imagine there is a Heaven.
all you need to know is that when Donny shows up at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter’s going to pull out his own copy of the Epstein Files, roll it up, and smack Donny upside the head with it.
after which Pete will bid Donny a swift fuckity-bye — and then it’s hello, Bad Place.
oh, and all the while St. Pete is upsiding Donny’s head, he’s going to be shouting ‘what kind of loathsome fuckwad complains about being reminded that slavery is bad?’
The Museums throughout Washington, but all over the Country are, essentially, the last remaining segment of “WOKE.” The Smithsonian is OUT OF CONTROL, where everything discussed is how horrible our Country is, how bad Slavery was, and how unaccomplished the downtrodden have been — Nothing about Success, nothing about Brightness, nothing about the Future. We are not going to allow this to happen, and I have instructed my attorneys to go through the Museums, and start the exact same process that has been done with Colleges and Universities where tremendous progress has been made. This Country cannot be WOKE, because WOKE IS BROKE. We have the “HOTTEST” Country in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including in our Museums.
what in the actual fuck? Donny is bellyaching because the Smithsonian is out here educating people as to how bad slavery was?
tell me, when do you think is that last time Donny stepped foot in any museum, much less the Smithsonian? I’m going to put my money on how about never. he could give a fuck about culture, or learning about the world around him.
Donny has no idea what goes on inside the Smithsonian. this shit has the undead hand of Nosferatu McGoebbels all over it.
you just know that Stephen Miller was whining to Donny about all his own stupid grievances — who let all these brown people in? why isn’t ICE rounding them up fast enough? — and out oozed why can’t the Smithsonian talk about slavery’s good points?
yeah, agreed Donny. why can’t they?
‘what about slavery’s good points’ is exactly the kind of shit Miller and his ilk bellyache about. it’s right up there with ‘Black History Month? when do white people get a month?’
it’s lucky for Nosferatu that he’s already undead. he doesn’t have to worry about the holy upside-the-head smacking that St. Pete would rain down on him.
because we live in the dumbfuckiest possible timeline, the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media have to treat the pungent mouth-farts of a moron are actual news.
reporter: “was he joking, or is there spiritual motivation behind his peace deals here?”
Karoline Leavitt: “I think the president was serious. I think the president wants to get to heaven as I hope we all do in this room as well.”
it’s all so fucking dumb — and it’s amazing that the cross around Leavitt’s neck didn’t burst into flames on the spot.
I’ve got a personal message for you from St. Peter, Karoline: thou shalt not bear false witness.
now let’s check out the mouth-farts of another fucktastically horrible person who hasn’t a snowball’s chance of ever setting foot in the Good Place.
I’m looking at you, Scott Bessent.
“Alaska was a show of force by President Trump ... it was kinda like inviting your uncontrollable neighbor to your house and showing them your gun case.”
what the fuck is out-of-touch plutocrat Scott Bessent yammering about? he lives on an eleven million dollar estate.
show me on the map where Scott Bessent’s unruly neighbor lives, the one who’s such an unholy fucking nightmare that Scotty has no choice but to show off his gun collection.
who the hell talks like this?
and what’s all this gaslighting twaddle about Alaska being a show of force by Donny?
fact check:
yeah, that’s some fucking show of force right there. Putin’s practically cowering.
here’s Elise Stefanik getting a taste of what her own afterlife might be like, as voters from her own New York district drown her out and boo her off the stage.
gee, it looks like running as a moderate and then MAGAfying yourself and kissing Dear Leader’s ass after you’ve been elected has its downside.
you built that, Elise!
lastly, here’s someone who will def be welcomed straight into Heaven. it’s your hero of the day: whoever runs Mapquest’s social media account.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
814 / 903
why yes, it was kind of a slow news day. why do you ask?
Yeah, Mapquest’s socials deserve this praise. They’ve been great. Helps remind me there’s more of us—many more—than there ever will of them. And I’m not planning to surrender. Ever.