a bunch of total fucking losers had a debate

so let’s go ahead and mock these morons

a clowncar of nutball Republicans who will absolutely never be president held their second debate last night.

Donald Trump wasn’t there. why would he be? he’s polling at a million percentage points ahead of any of these dipshits — and so what we were left with was a bunch of low-wattage also-rans trying to out-shithead each other. it was a pointless exercise, because none of these doofuses have a snowball’s chance in hell of defeating Trump and becoming the 2024 Republican candidate.

the only reason for anyone to have watched this televised train wreck was to mock the morons. so let’s go ahead and do just that.

the moderators almost immediately lost control. here’s Tim Scott and Vivek Ramaswamy shouting over each other for almost two whole minutes.

don’t bother listening to the whole clip — just savor the first few seconds, when Vivek actually says “thank you for speaking while I'm interrupting.”

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incredible shrinking candidate Ron DeSantis did what he does best — denying that he ever said what we all absolutely heard him say.

when asked to account for Florida’s “slavery had its good points” education policy — which we all fucking heard him defend in a press conference, he smugly replied “it’s a hoax.”

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Chris Christie fucking hates teachers — and the only thing that Christie hates more than teachers are teacher’s unions. these insidious fuckers are destroying America. in fact — here Christie drops the big one — Joe Biden is sleeping with a member of the teacher’s union.

wait, what? what exactly is Christie insinuating here? get ready for a shocker: Joe Biden shares a bed with his wife Jill. IMPEACH! IMPEACH!

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speaking of ruining America, it’s not just the teachers who are at it.

it’s also tHe TrAnSgEnDeRs.

here’s narcoleptic Mike Pence, doing his damndest to scare the shit out of everyone over imaginary horror stories that absolutely aren’t happening anywhere, and promising to fight against the “radical gender ideology agenda” — whatever the fuck that is.

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Vivek Ramaswamy freely admits that he has no fucking clue how to politics. but that’s ok, because Vivek is going to hire the best people — because that worked so well the last time we elected a corrupt and dimwitted businessman with no political experience.

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footnote-to-history Nikki Haley actually got the best line of the evening.

in the middle of an incoherent rant about TikTok, she said to Vivek, “honestly, every time I hear you, I feel a little bit dumber.”

of course, that little zinger could apply to every single person on the stage, Nikki included.

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eventually, the whole clusterfuck descended into chaos.

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but the stupidest fucking remark of the night belonged to noted Civil War historian Tim Scott.

Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society was harder to survive than slavery.

you heard it here first, folks — Medicare, Medicaid, federal aid to education, Head Start, SNAP and on and on are all harder to endure than 400 years of race-based enslavement, forced labor, and rape.

“worse than slavery” is terrible enough when it comes out of the mouth of a white person like Ron DeSantis. come on, Tim, what the fuck are we doing here?

pro tip: I invite anyone who makes a “worse than slavery” claim — and let’s stick the “worse than the Holocaust” nitwits in here, too — to spend one day living under those conditions, and then get back to me about how awesomely easy it was to endure.

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let’s give the final word to never-Trump Republican David Frum, because he got it exactly right:

“the problem facing all the aspirants on the Reagan Library stage tonight: Republican primary voters don't care about policy. what they want is a proven record of violent sedition, sexual assault, and financial fraud.”

yup. tragic, and too fucking true.