a bunch of dipshits held a caucus

let’s go ahead and mock these morons

at long last, the Iowa Republican Caucus happened.

the good news is that 49% of the voters rejected a rapist who stole our nation’s most-closely-held nuclear secrets and bragged about having done so to cronies at his unspeakably tacky Florida golf motel.

the bad news is that 51% of the voters chose a government-overthrowing 91-count felony factory who shits into a diaper.

there’s no dancing around the fact that Agolf Shitler fucking crushed his opposition, beating lizard-from-outer-space-in-an-ill-fitting-human-skin-suit Ron DeSantis by 32 points.

did Ronny Dee take his better-than-expected second-place showing in stride? no ma’am, he most certainly did not. his team reacted in the most Republican way possible, by claiming the caucus was rigged.

Moments after several networks — including Fox News — called the Iowa race for Donald Trump, DeSantis Communications Director Andrew Romeo posted a response on social media.

“Absolutely outrageous that the media would participate in election interference by calling the race before tens of thousands of Iowans even had a chance to vote,” he wrote. “The media is in the tank for Trump and this is the most egregious example yet.”

good lord, is there anywhere on earth a bigger fucking bunch of sore loser crybabies than your modern-day Republicans?

you’ll never hear any of them say “yeah, I got the shit kicked out of me seven ways from Sunday, oh well. I’ll get ’em next time.” no, it’s always rigged! so unfair! wah wah wah!

look, Ron: coming in second is actually a good thing for you. everyone expected you to finish a distant third and limp back to Florida. now you get to live to fight another day. it’s on to New Hampshire, where you can waste more of the millions of dollars that your backers have given you to pursue your fruitless effort to find five people who actually like you.

Nikki Haley’s dastardly plan to depress the Trump turnout by using space lasers to make it snow! in Iowa! in January! failed. she came in third place.

Vivek Ramaswamy, the future trivia question that no one will ever remember the answer to, came in dead last, disappointing the tech bros who insisted right up until the end that Viv was going to somehow magically prevail, despite being last place in the polls since forever.

turns out that the Space Nazi is as good at guessing as he is at making cars that don’t randomly try to kill their drivers.

Ramaswamy dropped out of the race and now returns to his day job of swindling investors to his sketchy startups.

let’s get back to the good news mentioned at the top of this post. Iowa is one of the trumpiest states in America. that roughly half of the most conservative voters in MAGA land rejected Donny’s Day One Dickface bullshit, maybe that’s a hopeful sign.

but let’s not get complacent. November is a long way off and we’ve still got a fuck of a fight in front of us.

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Tacopenis limps away

the civil trial known as E. Jean Carroll II begins this morning.

one person who won’t be present is lawyer Joey Tacopina, who abruptly dropped Trump like a hot potato yesterday.

Former President Donald Trump on Monday lost an experienced defense attorney from his legal roster.

Joe Tacopina told ABC News, "I withdrew on all matters."

was it because Tacopenis got tired of working for a client who won’t shut his reckless mouth and keeps digging himself deeper in an already-hopelessly-lost case?

was it because he got fed up about not getting paid?

did Joey finally tire of having ketchup bottles whipped at his head?

we don’t know, and Tacopants isn’t saying.

defending Trump in court today will be ace parking garage lawyer Alina Habba, so … yeah, it’s going to be a fucking disaster.

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RFK Jr. continues to be a odious fuckwad

hey, guess how Robert F. Nepobaby Jr. spent the day before Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday.

that’s right, by defending his father’s wiretapping of MLK in the 1960s.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. offered a striking justification for the surveillance effort against Martin Luther King Jr. during an interview with Politico on Sunday.

Kennedy, who is seeking the 2024 presidency as an independent, defended his family’s authorization of the FBI’s wiretapping of the civil rights leader — a day before the national holiday honoring King.

oh my god, Bobby — read the room. your father was a great man but he wasn’t flawless. how hard is it to say that? here:

“I love my father but he wasn’t perfect. Martin Luther King Jr. was a hero and it was wrong to persecute him.”

see how easy that was? now you try it, hotshot.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.