very little about this “Trump got hacked” story makes one lick of sense

it's just a big bowl of what the fuck

Little Donny Convict is a compulsive liar. he lies for advantage. he lies to puff himself up. he lies just for the hell of it. he’ll spout the most obvious lies right to your face, just to see if he’ll get away with it.

it’s a given right now that anything Donny — or his people — tell you has to be treated like a lie — because odds are, it is.

when Donny tells you the sky is blue, better grab your umbrella.

when Donny tells you half his ear was blown to pieces and then magically grew back three days later, you should be rolling your eyes — because there’s no fucking way that’s how it went down.

and most certainly, when Donny tells you he’s been hacked by Iran, your natural response should be yeah, no, I’ve got a million questions — because very little of that shit adds up.

here’s what we kinda sorta know.

On July 22, POLITICO began receiving emails from an anonymous account. Over the course of the past few weeks, the person — who used an AOL email account and identified themselves only as “Robert” — relayed what appeared to be internal communications from a senior Trump campaign official.

so out of the clear blue, some rando starts sending Trump campaign documents to Politico — and Politico determines they’re the real deal.

The documents are authentic, according to two people familiar with them and granted anonymity to describe internal communications.

so, what did “Robert” send to Politico?

wait, fuck that. I’m not calling this dude “Robert.” that’s boring. let’s spice this story up. I’m calling him the Bobbinator, because this homey sure seems full of himself.

Asked how they obtained the documents, the person responded: “I suggest you don’t be curious about where I got them from. Any answer to this question, will compromise me and also legally restricts you from publishing them.”

so, what did the Bobbinator send to Politico?

The research dossier was a 271-page document based on publicly available information about Vance’s past record and statements, with some — such as his past criticisms of Trump — identified in the document as “POTENTIAL VULNERABILITIES.” The person also sent part of a research document about Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who was also a finalist for the vice presidential nomination.

okay, this is where my hand goes up, because I have a question. Donny’s people had a 271-PAGE OPPOSITION FILE full of dirt on Couchfuck McGee? did anyone inside the Trump campaign actually read it? and they let Donny pick him for veep anyway?

ok, back to this sketchy narrative. late last week, the Bobbinator send the same Vance oppo file to the Washington Post.

The Washington Post on Thursday was sent the 271-page document, marked as “privileged & confidential,” from an anonymous AOL user going by the name “Robert.” Politico, which was the first to report on the Trump campaign’s statement, said that it had been receiving documents, including a vetting document on Vance, from a sender also going by the name “Robert” since July 22.

hold on, my hand is up again. Politico and the WaPo were sent dirt on Couchfuck McGee and they’re just sitting on it?

I seem to remember in 2016 when the email lady got hacked, the entire media ecosystem fell all the fuck over itself in a mad dash to be first to publish the most scandalous parts. nothing was off limits. it was the main story for weeks, and it no doubt affected the outcome of that election.

but now that it’s the Trump campaign, suddenly you people grow a set of ethics?

what the fuck?

ok, back to the narrative.

on Saturday, August 10, the AP reported:

Donald Trump’s U.S. presidential campaign said on Saturday some of its internal communications were hacked and blamed the Iranian government, citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence.

the guy who begged Russia to hack into the email lady’s server in 2016 is suddenly very very upset about alleged foreign interference.

“These documents were obtained illegally from foreign sources hostile to the United States, intended to interfere with the 2024 election and sow chaos throughout our Democratic process,” Trump campaign spokesperson Steven Cheung said in a statement.

so why is Donny pointing fingers at Iran? over to you, New York Times.

On Friday, Microsoft released a report declaring that a hacking group run by the intelligence unit of Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps had successfully breached the account of a “former senior adviser” to a presidential campaign. From that account, Microsoft said, the group sent fake email messages, known as “spear phishing,” to “a high-ranking official of a presidential campaign” in an effort to break into the campaign’s own accounts and databases.

you’ll never guess who was the target of this “spear fishing.”

this fucking weirdo.

The FBI and other investigators probing the apparent hack-and-leak of Trump campaign documents, which Donald Trump has blamed on Iran, suspect that the hackers were able to compromise the personal email account of longtime Republican and Trump operative Roger Stone, multiple sources familiar with the matter told CNN.

oh look, my hand is up again. so the guy at the center of this so-called hack story is Roger Fucking Stone? the dirty trickster got dirty tricked? sweet.

but wait — Roger Stone is working for the Trump campaign? since when? in what capacity? or is Stone some random dude who just happens to have Couchfuck McGee opposition research on his laptop?

that’s pretty convenient.

wait, here’s another nugget from the Times’ reporting:

The New York Times received what appears to be a similar if not identical trove of data from an anonymous tipster purporting to be the same person who emailed the documents to Politico.

what the fuck? so the Times is sitting on this shit, too — and not publishing it? at this point, you have to ask: what media org doesn’t have their hands on this Vance oppo research?

if I’m the email lady right now, I’m fucking pissed.

oh look, now the FBI is involved.

The FBI is investigating suspected hacking attempts by Iran targeting both a Trump associate and advisers to the Biden-Harris campaign, according to people familiar with the matter, as the agency formally acknowledged Monday it has opened a high-stakes national security investigation months before Election Day.

but this is the same FBI that seems to be buying into the whole Donny’s ear magically grew back fantasy, so who knows what they’ll tell us.

so who can you trust in this story?

how about nobody — because not one actor in this whole drama has earned our trust.

look, maybe this will all turn out to be exactly as it’s being reported. maybe the Bobbinator is working for Iran. maybe Iran — for what reason? — is meddling in the 2024 election.

but what if it’s this: what if Microsoft told Team Donny that Iran was trying to hack them, and Team Donny decided this would be a convenient opportunity to get everyone mad at Iran, and sent their own oppo research to the media — since it’s all public information anyway?

let’s go back to something the Bobbinator said to Politico:

I suggest you don’t be curious about where I got them from. Any answer to this question, will compromise me and also legally restricts you from publishing them.

doesn’t that language sound like pure Trumpian bullshit?

it sounds crazy — but this is Donny we’re talking about.

add Roger Stone to the mix, and it’s white rabbits all the way down.

now, I’m not a conspiracy guy. I don’t generally imagine there are dark forces at work behind every closed door. but this all sure sounds fishy to me.

I had planned to write about the Space Nazi interviewing Donny Convict on not-twitter last night, but really, there’s nothing interesting to say about it.

it was two solid hours of two boring narcissists jerking each other off.

here’s the only item of note: what the fuck was going on inside Donny’s mouth? he slurred and lisped his way through the whole thing. seriously, listen to this:

“we atta lotta people lithening to you right now, like thixty million or thomething. ith amazing how you can thee that right away.”

what the hell? does Donny wear dentures? did they come loose? could he not push them back in?

it was so obvious that the even the normally-compliant press is having fun with it. check out the UK Independent’s headline this morning.

“Donald Trump showcases new lisp during Elon Musk interview”

ace job, Donny. you finally make your triumphant return to not-twitter and all anyone wants to talk about is how you sound like you’re gargling mashed potatoes.

everything Donny touches dies — including, evidently, his own mouth.