this week in stupid: September 21 edition
MAGA shows it off, Alina blows it off, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
monday: God hates Democrats
Trumpism and evangelism were made for each other. they both exist for one reason only: to separate gullible marks from their money. mix Trumpism with evangelism and you get a neutron-star-dense ball of hucksterism — a singularity from which no rube’s money can escape.
here’s god-botherer Robert Henderson with a heartwarming tale of some dude whose brain almost caught on fire. let’s let Robert explain how it happened.
“they began to tell me that there had been a man there the night before that was now in the hospital, and that had suddenly, for some unforeseen reason, had some kind of a condition that had caused his fever to go so high that the doctors were literally afraid it was going to cook his brain. and whatever there were trying, nothing was working to bring the fever down. and so they said, well could you pray, and maybe even from a Court of Heaven perspective. so I began to pray … and all of a sudden another person in attendance at that conference said I need to tell you something. he said that man who is in that condition, has been a lifelong Democrat, and we have tried to convince him that he is in agreement with the spirit of death. because do you understand that when you vote, you come into agreement with spirits. so you need to make sure that your vote is connecting you to the right thing in the spirit world.”
ah yes, God’s well-known bias against Democrats. Job was a Democrat, you know. that’s the real reason God sent him all those torments. it wasn’t a test of Job’s devotion — it was retribution for voting for Adlai Stevenson in 1956. it’s right there in your Bible, as interpreted by experts.
and that’s why in 2020, God struck down the 81 million people who voted for Joe Biden, and caused their brains to—
oh wait, what? it never happened? oh. well, would you like to buy this prayer cloth?
they’re on sale this week. only $6.99.
tuesday: bravely golfing in the face of certain death
noted parking garage lawyer Alina Habba did such a bang-up job of losing Donny millions of dollars in civil judgements again him that she’s been banished from the courtroom. Alina’s now relegated to popping up on Fox whenever Donny’s in need of a good hagiographic tongue-bath.
here she is, explaining that Donny is so fucking super-patriotic that’s unafraid to risk his life — even on the golf course.
“he is completely unrelenting, he will go out there today and do the same thing he’s always done, so determined to save this country, even when it means risking his life — not once, but twice — and that’s all that we know of. you know him, Martha, that’s who the man is. he is just the strongest, fiercest fighter that America could ask for.”
he’s “completely unrelenting.” he’s the fucking Terminator of golf — unafraid to hit the links, even if it means risking his life by never coming in contact with a guy who was arrested long before he even got close to Donny.
eventually, Donny is going to shuffle off this mortal coil, and we’re going to see an actual religion spring up in his place. the Church of Trump. and its central tenet is going to be that Donny Convict golfed for your sins.
wednesday: project runaway
there’s a town in Long Island with the delightful name of Ronkonkoma. in the delightful town of Ronkonkoma can be found an enterprise known as The America First Warehouse — which has to be the most Long Island MAGA name for a business ever — and it’s just as tasteful as you would imagine.
to commemorate Donny Convict’s Wednesday hate-rally at Nassau Coliseum, the Warehouse held what they generously called “a MAGA fashion show,” hosted by DJ I’m Too Lazy To Look It Up and attended by at least eighteen people. some reports estimated the crowd to be as high as nineteen.
what the fuck did I just watch? this gyrating ass-crack red-hat was followed by the main event — and words fail me.
excuse me, I have to go bleach my eyes now.
thursday: LOOK OUT, SHE’S GOT A GUN
on Thursday, during a livestream with Oprah, Kamala announced that she owns a gun. this news sent Steve Gruber, one of the c-list hatemongers with a homemade tv show — MAGA seems to have an endless of supply these angry rage-muppets — into a frothing-at-the-mouth tailspin.
“what kind of gun do you own? when did you buy it? where did you buy it? what gun store? where did you do your background check? where’d you do the yellow sheet, as I used to call it? they were always yellow back in the day. I still call it the yellow sheet. where? Madam Vice President, what kind of gun? handgun? long gun? both? how many guns do you own, just one? ten? where are they now? where are these guns you claim to own today?”
WHERE’S THE GUN, KAMALA? WHERE’S THE FUCKING GUN?
calm the fuck down, Steve. look, I know that a black woman with a gun is your worst nightmare, but I don’t think Kamala’s going to be carjacking you any time soon.
did you ask Donny Convict where he got his gun — the gun he’s not supposed to have, because he’s a convicted felon? of course you didn’t. Donny would never lie to you, right?
friday: a trolling Stone gathers no sauce
good fucking lord, does everyone in MAGA-land have their own pretend tv show?
in this clip. pardoned felon Roger Stone and his two stooges discuss a mysterious illness that hospitalized about 20 attendees at Donny’s most-recent Arizona hate-rally.
Stone: “it’s a very interesting, very specific about the the permanent damage specifically could be accomplished here. of course obviously if Trump were hit with such a laser, well, that would be, that could be debilitating if not fatal. what’s your view here?”
Stooge: “my initial gut reaction is that it was chlorine gas. terrorists can very easily mix up chlorine gas.”
these people, always needing to play the victim. yeah, sure, it was terrorism. a bunch of Venezhaitian MS-13 terrorists took time out from munching their way through America’s pet population to whip up a batch of basement chlorine gas. yeah, that checks out.
there’s a simpler explanation. it’s well known that the stench of Donny’s flop-sweat, mixed with the heady scent of days-old unchanged diaper, can knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.
these unfortunate rally-goers just got downwind of it, that’s all.
All those who reported falling ill were seated on the side of the stage where Trump made his entrance before approaching the podium.
Donny Convict gassed you for your sins.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
bonus points to anyone who correctly identifies "it’s right there in your Bible, as interpreted by experts" as a line spoken by Boyd Crowder in the first episode of Justified
Jeff, this “fashion show” shows us how far back in time MAGA wants to take women, ugly to say the least. Also an addendum on my series “Golf with MAGAS” I neglected to point out that during my MAGA round I stood over a very long putt, thinking about how to approach it, so many variables to consider and the money involved… my partners became rather irritated at the time I was taking, thus beginning to encourage me to hit the ball. My reply? “I have a concept of this putt, I’m just beginning to make my plan.” Needless to say that comment went over like a very long fart in a very small elevator…. Best to all and yes, I do have a concept for a Blue Wave.😉