this week in stupid: September 14 edition

Eric Trump fills it, JD Vance spills it, and so much more...

Sep 14, 2024

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

sunday: shut up, Donny

Little Donny Convict is arguably the least-religious person on the planet. greedy, slothful, prideful — for fuck’s sake, the guy uses the Seven Deadly Sins as handbook for living.

so it was super weird to see him take to his crappy app to post “Happy Birthday Mary.”

September 8th marks the Feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary — but there’s no fucking way that Donny knew that. some toady like Nosferatu McGoebbels had to have told him to post something about it, and the simpleminded old fool came up with the brilliant and heartfelt “Happy Birthday Mary.”

nonetheless, the wingnutsphere exploded into rapturous joy, reacting as if this were proof incontrovertible that serial-adulterer Donny was indeed God’s Own Avatar On Earth.

but as always, the most unintentionally hilarious responses to Donny’s post came from the cultists and their weird-ass AI-generated fan art.

oh come on, seriously? you delusional dumbfucks. I guarantee that not once have Melly and Donny prayed together — or even held hands like this.

don’t you cultists keep up with the news? Melania’s out — she’s taken a runner. she hates Donny’s guts and no one has a single clue where she’s hiding. and besides that, Elderly McGolfer’s got himself a new main squeeze.

monday: shut up, Eric

the proper answer to “which Trump is the stupidest?” is, quite naturally, all of them — but the dumbest of the dumb is arguably Number Two Failson Eric.

here’s Eric, complaining about a big ball of it never happened.

“it cost me a hundred and thirty bucks to fill up my SUV.”

welcome to life in Komrade Kamabla’s hellish dystopia, where gas prices at the pump … have been plummeting, actually.

Eric Trump has probably never pumped his own gas in his soft, pampered life — that’s the chauffeur’s job, for fuck’s sake. Eric’s in the back seat, picking his nose and eating the boogers and distractedly going “yes, Lara, you’re an excellent singer” into his phone, and paying absolutely no attention to what’s going on at the pump.

but let’s pretend that Eric’s really pumping his own gas, and do some basic math.

as of yesterday, the average price of a gallon of gas is $3.23, which means that $130 buys you 40.24 gallons of the stuff. now, if you’re driving an SUV with a 40-gallon tank, that’s a choice, not a burden.

oh, and by the way — I googled for “SUVs with 40 gallon tanks.” there aren’t any — not unless you take out the 12- or 16-gallon tanks that come standard, and install your own custom-made high-capacity tank.

so shut the fuck up, Eric. I think there’s a booger in your nose that hasn’t been eaten yet, why don’t you turn your limited attention to that.

and sure, let’s return to the days where gas was cheap because we were all hiding in our homes trying not to die of a deadly virus and no one was driving anywhere, and the oil companies couldn’t give the stuff away.

nobody in MAGAland ever wants to remember that inconvenient part of the story, do they.

tuesday: yeah, that’ll work

Tuesday was Debate Day, and a bunch of MAGAs had a brilliant idea: let’s hold a massive rally outside the hotel where Kamala’s doing debate prep. we’ll make all kinds of noise and shit and completely throw her off her game. and then Dear Leader will make mincemeat out of her. it’s going to be so great!

it was a plan so stupid that it just might wor— nah, it was never going to work. especially not when a whole six cultists showed up to embarrass themselves.

hey, but at least you goofballs tried, right?

wednesday: don’t congratulate

once you’ve dishonored war heroes by grinning like an idiot while trampling their graves during a thumbs-up photo-op at Arlington National Cemetery, what do you do for an encore?

apparently, this: Wednesday was the 23rd anniversary of 9/11, and if there’s one thing that Little Donny Shitbag knows, it’s how make a solemn occasion all about himself.

here he is, at the Flight 93 National Memorial at Shanksville, PA, inappropriately clapping and fist-pumping like the demented old malignant narcissist he is.

of course, Donny has a long history of being a complete fucking disgrace in Shanksville. this was how he comported himself with dignity on 9/11 back in 2018, when he was president.

by the way, here’s how you can tell this is an old photo: Melania’s in it.

thursday: BURN HER!

ever since Dear Leader pantsed himself in front of the world at the debate, MAGAworld has been working overtime to come up with reasons why it wasn’t Donny fault that he shat himself in public.

evangelist Lance Wallnau knows exactly why it happened: Kamala’s a witch.

“what you’re seeing now is a real Jezebel, you’re going to see a lot of people saying this. it’s like Pentecostal 101, when you’ve got someone operating a manipulation, intimidation and domination — especially when it’s in a female role, trying to emasculate a man who is standing up for truth, you’re dealing with a Jezebel spirit. she can look presidential — that’s what I would say is the seduction of witchcraft.”

now, how is Wytchfinder Wallnau so sure that Kamala’s a witch? because she turned him into a newt.

spoiler alert: he got better.

friday: shut up, racist

Couchfuck McGee’s Never-Ending Racism Tour continued on Friday.

“if the path to prosperity was flooding your nation with low-wage immigrants … America would be the most prosperous country in the world.”

who wants to tell him?

pro tip for JD Vance and every other MAGA fuckstick: you can’t claim to love America when you hate so many of the people who live in it.

a few months ago, The New York Times tried to figure out why the economy was growing so robustly — and here’s what they came up with.

Immigration is helping to meet hiring demand, and may explain data mysteries.
Immigration has been robust over the past two years, creating a flood of potential workers that is both supercharging the job market and leading to surprises and quirks in closely watched economic data.

Semafor agrees.

“By adding millions of new workers to the labor market, the immigration surge has lifted payrolls and growth, and potentially helped keep a lid on consumer prices, according to recent research.”

if you listened all the way to the end of that clip, you heard JD say “this is not the path to prosperity, no matter how much a Wall Street bank says it is.”

yeah, who you gonna believe — some banker whose job it is to crunch the actual numbers, or the weirdo who gets a chub every time he walks past an overstuffed sofa?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.