this week in stupid: October 22 edition

Jim is Dan’s man, Marge knows God’s plan, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: what’s a little insurrection between friends?

Republicans were out in full force last Sunday, trying to drum up support for their Speaker Designate, Gym Jordan. (gee, I wonder how that turned out.)

Dan Crenshaw landed on Jake Tapper’s show, and dutifully mouthed all the proper platitudes about their problematic Speaker wanna-be — Jim’s a great guy, he knows his stuff, yadda yadda.

Jake gently pushes back and Danny makes a stunning confession.

Tapper: “I mean, he defied the congressional subpoena and he was trying to get Pence to overturn the the electoral votes, but —”
Crenshaw: “but a lot of them did that. if I held that grudge, I wouldn’t have friends in the Republican conference.”

and that, dear readers, is the true test of friendship. we may disagree on silly little things like democracy and the rule of law and not hanging the vice president, but at the end of the day, we can still go out and grab a beer.

hey Liz Cheney, do you agree with Dan Crenshaw, that we should just let bygones be bygones?

“that fucking guy Jim Jordan. that son of a bitch. while these maniacs are going through the place, I’m standing in the aisle and he said, ‘we need to get the ladies away from the aisle. let me help you.’ I smacked his hand away and told him, ‘get away from me. you fucking did this.’”

so … no beer, then?

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monday: checkmate, atheists

folks, get ready to have your minds blown. noted doctor of theology Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene has stumbled onto incontrovertible proof of the existence of God.

that proof goes something like this: “I’m too fucking stupid to comprehend natural phenomena, therefore God.”

I like how Marge thinks, and I’ve come up with some additional proof of a high power. chew on this, atheists:

we drive on a parkway.
we park in a driveway.
don’t ever let anyone tell you God’s not real.

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tuesday: WHY IS OR ISN’T JOE BIDEN DOING OR NOT DOING A THING

folks, Fox News is hella mad at Joe Biden. Fox is shocked — SHOCKED — that Joe Biden had the utter temerity to go to Israel on Tuesday. it makes no sense for an American president to insert himself into international affairs. why didn’t Biden just stay home and explain he couldn’t go because the ocean was in the way?

oh, go put a fucking sock in it, you performative-nonsense bad-faith jackasses. you know damned well that if Biden didn’t go to the Middle East, you’d throw just as big a shit-fit over that.

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wednesday: this t-shirt goes up to eleven

cool t-shirt, bro, what’s it all about?

“never surrender to the tie-runny.”

what is Trump doing here on the shirt?

“this is his mug shot.”

so that was taken when he surrendered to the authorities to have his picture taken.

*confused pause* “huh? it says ‘never surrender’ but —”

is that on the back? is the ‘but’ on the back? let me see the back.

“I think it’s just Trump.”

it’s just Trump. so where is the ‘but’ part? that’s implied?

I timed it. holy shit, that pause before the “huh?” is a full five seconds. that’s hall-of-fame-level slack-jawed befuddlement right there.

it’s up there with …

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thursday: BURN HER BURN HER

as a person old enough to receive medicare, I am officially excused from knowing anything at all about Taylor Swift. I’ve never heard her sing. put a gun to my head, I couldn’t name one of her songs. I probably couldn’t pick her out of a lineup.

the only thing I know about Taylor Swift is that she drives wingnuts insane with rage, and that’s good enough for me.

folks, did you know that Swift is a witch?

apparently, Taylor said this:

“I've been watching videos of you guys in the theaters dancing and prancing and recreating choreography, creating inside jokes, casting spells, getting engaged, and just generally creating the exact type of joyful chaos we’re known for.”

and that was all the howler-monkeys needed to get out the torches and the pitchforks.

dear readers, I hate to tell you this, but I have proof that Taylor Swift is a witch.

she turned me into a newt.

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friday: new Biden scandal drops!

uh oh, looks like it’s game over for Joe Biden. James Comer has proof that Biden took a $200,000 payoff. wow! Joe Biden is guilty as fuck!

but guilty of what, you might ask.

guilty of lending his brother James some money, and guilty of being repaid — in 2018, when Joe was a private citizen.

that’s it. that’s the whole quote-unquote “scandal.”

this is what James Comer cooked up to distract everyone from the week-long public humiliation of his partner in dipshittery, Jim Jordan.

it was such weak sauce that even Fox News couldn’t be bothered to cover it.

do Republicans never tire of this?

Congressman Comer could not be reached for comment — he was too busy taking multiple rakes to the face.

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saturday: woke me when it’s over

hey National Review, seen any good movies lately?

“all that ‘Killers of the Flower Moon’ has going for it is the woke idea that America’s white men are spiritually sick. it is Scorsese’s firs—”

shut the fuck up. just shut the fuck up.

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sunday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.