as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: as empty as his head
library-paste-eating failson Eric Trump is what would happen if Pete Kegstand flipping a skateboard into his own nuts became a real boy — and oh look! the dumbest Trump has ‘written’ a book. it’s called Who The Fuck Cares What It’s Called, No One’s Going To Read This Piece Of Shit.
“today is the day! Under Siege is OUT and I stopped by my local Barnes and Noble to sign some copies. stop by the Palm Beach Gardens store to find your signed copy.”
wait, the book is called ‘Under Siege’? are you kidding me? is there one member of Dear Leader’s family who isn’t a ginormous grievance-baby? you’re not under siege, you delusional fuckwit. neither is your somehow-not-in-prison father. he’s the president, and he’s pretty much A Very Special Boy who gets to do whatever he wants. and the two of you are grifting billions off of your gullible worshipers. so stop whining already.
under siege, my ass. if anyone’s under siege, it’s the American people.
but look — you want to push your dumb ghostwritten piece of twaddle? fine. go for it, Eric. knock yourself out. but, pro tip: here’s a fun thing you’ll need if you’re going to have a successful book-signing: customers.
do you see any people in that store? me neither. neither do the commenters under Eric’s not-tweet.
“Place looks empty. Like your daddy’s head.”
“No one wants that book you didn’t write lol”
“Nah, I’d rather spend my money on an Epstein victim’s book which is not full of lies.”
oh wait, Eric! buck up, homey — here come two eager customers!
it’s sad trombone —
and tiny violin.
oh wait, we have a third customer! the aforementioned Pete Kegstand flipping a skateboard into his own nuts.
I smell best seller!
tuesday: mysterious ways, indeed
calm down, people. it turns out that it wasn’t some dweeby groyper/gamer/whatever who killed Charlie Kirk. it was God himself who decided to call his favorite misshapen garden gnome home early. let’s listen in as MAGA pastor Shane Vaughn lays it out for us.
“no, Israel did not kill Charlie Kirk. Satan did, and God allowed it — for reasons that we may never know. but here what I do know. when I tell you something, there is something I have had my finger on the pulse of this nation for five years. I told you what the problem was. they were turning him in. Tucker [Carlson] and him were like this. they were turning Charlie against God’s chosen people. and God said ‘no, not today. no, no, no, you’re too pure, and you have too much influence. so I’m gonna bring you, before Satan can use you. I’m gonna let your testimony, for the rest of your life, be all the positive things you have said about Israel that’s on record.’”
wait, what? God allowed Satan to kill Charlie Kirk in order to keep him pure?
wow, God’s a bit of a dick, isn’t he? isn’t that, y’know, literally overkill?
I have a question. why does God’s plan always involve someone getting the shit smited out of them? it’s like when God “saved” Dear Leader by bending the path of the assassin’s bullet so it slammed into the skull of the dude standing behind him.
what the fuck, God? what’s with all the bullets? do you own stock in Smith & Wesson?
couldn’t you just have gotten Charlie to flip a skateboard into his own nuts, like you did with Pete?
wednesday: it’s how Fred landed Wilma
failed MAGA candidate Sean Parnell pines for a simple time, when men were men, and things never happened the most.
“it used to be, you know, women were attracted to your strength because you could defend them from dinosaurs.”
oh sure, maybe women back in the Pleistocene used to swoon when some dude would punch the shit out of an attacking velociraptor, but if there’s anything the legendary documentary The Flinstones taught us, it’s that a true breadwinner doesn’t just fight dinosaurs — he domesticates them.
and a real ubermensch not only makes them into pets, but teaches them to roller skate.
I smell breeding stock!
full disclosure: you know that thing where something goes viral, and everybody starts posting it into their social media feeds, and then you find out it’s actually four years old? well, that’s what happened here. this Sean Parnell ‘defend them from dinosaurs’ vid was all over the place on Wednesday, and when I went looking for the original, I discovered it was from Nov 10, 2021 — but I decided to go with it anyway. call it an entry in the This Week In Stupid Hall of Fame.
look, I make the rules around here, and I get to break them. what, you don’t like it? fine, here’s Pete Kegstand flipping that skateboard into his own nuts.
thursday: you made me hate you, I didn’t want to do it
MAGAfluencer David Reilly is Super Big Mad about all these unfuckable Hitler-loving incels losing their jobs after their hateful texts came to light, and — I’m not sure of the logic here — somehow, this whole thing happened because Jews.
“we need to close ranks around these young kids who were good young kids.”
um, David? these doughy incels weren’t kids. they were in their twenties and thirties. in other words, adults who fucked around and found out. but do go on.
“they thought they were in private, making edgy jokes, as one does. and, you know. I’ve seen it in my life, when I got canceled in 2017. you know, I got called an antisemite, and I never really said anything antisemitic. okay? but once I got called that, all of a sudden, you know what? I’m going to take another look at Word War Two. I’m going to take another look at Jewish group behavior, all of a sudden, guess what? now I’m an antisemite. so thank you, thank you for creating more radicals.”
ah, the classic abuser’s twisted logic. ‘look how antisemitic you made me.’
show us on the space laser where the Jews hurt you, bro.
naturally, because Elon’s Nazi Bar truly is, y’know, a Nazi bar, Sean got all the affirmation he could ever want.
“It needs to be said more often but anti-Semitism is largely due to Jewish behavior.”
ugh. just ugh. palate cleanser, please.
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
on Friday, some fucking idiot hosted Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy at the White House.
the fucking idiot used the opportunity to repeat his delusional claim that he’s the only president to have ever ended a war. what in the actual fuck?
the fucking idiot demonstrated once again that he doesn’t understand the difference between insane asylums and political asylum.
the fucking idiot blithered incoherently about some senator who wanted to build a train from Hawaii to the mainland, which by the way is a thing that Never Happened The Most™.
and of course the fucking idiot whined about not winning every Nobel Prize ever.
when that fun was over, the fucking idiot commuted the sentence of convicted fraudster George Santos, immediately freeing him from prison, where he was supposed to have spent the next seven years — because why even have a system of justice if some fucking idiot gets to do whatever the fuck he wants with it.
then the fucking idiot flew down to his vermin-infested Florida golf motel, where he hosted a million-dollar-a-plate fundraiser.
that’s right — while America’s government is shut down, millions of people are going without paychecks, farmers are going bankrupt, and average Americans are struggling to feed their families, the stupid fucking idiot shoveled at least $116 million into his own greedy pockets.
and not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
and remember — today is No Kings Day. find a rally near you. see you there!
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
873 / 962
Ms Spouse would like it to be known that she is over the skateboard gif, and she would prefer that I 'find something else'
Could someone please tell Speaker Johnson that being accused of "hating America" by a fake-Christian and coward who has sold out his country, faith and family to a demented pedophile doesn't have quite the sting he might imagine.