this week in stupid: May 31 edition
Cillizza gets stickered, Tapper gets crappered, Joni spews baloney, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: sticker shock
folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.
here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.
oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?
no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.
oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.
of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.
so there was no damage?
well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?
sorry. tell me what happened next.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —
— and he wrote a really bitchy post about it for the Daily Beast.
wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.
yeah, that’s pretty much it.
I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.
tuesday: what rhymes with crapper
Jake Tapper’s relentless promotion of his Biden hit-job continues. look at the self-satisfied glee with which he delivers the line he no doubt practiced in the mirror for hours.
“it is a scandal. it is without question — and maybe even worse than Watergate in some ways, because Richard Nixon was in control of his faculties when he wasn’t drinking.”
first of all: fuck off, Jake.
second of all: fuck all the way off, Jake.
no, the alleged cover-up of an allegedly impaired president is not worse than Richard Nixon sending a band of thugs to break into Democratic National Headquarters to steal everything that wasn’t nailed down. how fucking dare you smirk while these imbecilic words leak out of your face-hole.
hey, let’s fast forward to the end of the week, because we could all use a little schadenfreude right now. oh look — Tapper’s book is an embarrassing failure.
Biden’s book, “Original Sin,” with Alex Thompson has had more publicity than any book of recent memory thanks to CNN’s collaboration. But now come the disappointing sales. 53,737 print units sold, per Circana BookScan for the first week.
By comparison: Bob Woodward’s book “Fear: Trump in the White House” sold 1.1 million copies in its first week.
ohhh. too bad, so sad, Jake. sucks to be you. here, have some tiny violin.
for the rest of us, it’s Snoopy dance!
wednesday: dare to be an idiot
hey, remember last year, when Vivek Ramaswamy was a thing for about fifteen minutes, and then everyone was all yeah, fuck no and quickly forgot all about him?
well, Vivek’s back, baby — and he’s got the solution to our national debt. check out this brilliant idea: the whole fucking thing would disappear in a heartbeat if everybody would just choose to be a billionaire!
“we’re going to have to have the courage to take on independence from the federal entitlement state. that’s what we actually need to be talking about, and I personally believe that everything else ends up being a distraction of dealing with this national debt issue. as the question of how are we going to start with a generation of Americans who hopefully become so wealthy that they don’t need the federal entitlement state.”
everyone should just become a billionaire! it’s that fucking easy. it’s a solution so obvious, I can’t believe no one ever thought of it before now. just choose to be rich! and you don’t even have to think up a new way to do it. just do what Vivek did, and enrich yourself through fraud and stock manipulation.
look, I have a simpler solution: why don’t we just grind up half the poors and feed them to the other poors?
if it was good enough for Jonathan Swift, then it’s good enough for America.
thursday: we’re all going to whaaaaat?
Iowa Senator and pig-castration aficionado Joni Ernst held a town hall this week — and like so many Republicans, she encountered a buzzsaw of angry voters demanding to know why social programs were being gutted so that gazillionaires could get another round of tax cuts.
unlike others in the GOP, however, Joni maintained her cool. after she told a bunch of lies about how the real problem is “illegals” receiving Medicaid benefits (fact check: they don’t, because they can’t), the crowd started shouting “PEOPLE WILL DIE.”
no biggie, countered Joni, because —
‘well, we all are going to die.’
wait, what? why am I just hearing about this now?
my my, aren’t we fucking philosophical, Joni.
of course, some of us will die in bed, surrounded by our loved ones, and some of us will die face down in the gutter because we can’t afford medical care — but does any of that really matter? because in the end, we’re all just expired meat, right?
it’s a wise old saying: elect a bunch of psychopath clowns, get a psychopath circus.
do you think that’s what Joni said to those hogs, as she was lopping off their balls? ‘don’t worry about this, we’re all going to die.’
friday: ugh, this fucking guy
why the hell would any of our worthless scribblers bother asking the doughy pantload in the Oval Office to comment on Joe Biden’s cancer diagnosis? yet, that’s exactly what someone did — and Little Donny Fuckface did not disappoint.
“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”
oh. my. fucking. god. stay classy, you malodorous piece of shit.
at the risk of repeating myself for the umpteenth time, the first reporter to stand up and ask “what the fuck is wrong with you” should get a lifetime Pulitzer.
imagine that any Democrat said they didn’t feel sorry for a cancer-stricken Republican. it would be the immediate end to their political career — but for Donny, it’s just another Friday. not a single mention in The New York Times. ditto the Washington Post.
hey, Jake Tapper, any interest in writing a book on the hideous pile of dung currently befouling the White House?
awesome job, Jake.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
733 / 822
fun true fact: many years ago, I responded to a Paul Ryan tweet with "why don’t we just grind up half the poors and feed them to the other poors?" and ended spending a week in twitter jail for 'promoting violence'
I need a towel to absorb the beautiful drips of sarcasm here, perhaps the best immersion to date. OMG! Another stellar piece of writing as only you can do.
And Joni Ernst will rot in hell.
Have a nice weekend everyone! 💙✌️