this week in stupid: March 14 edition
Piss-Drunk Pete chugs it, Tipsy Jeanine glugs it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: dunk-tank clown says wut
Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand is super-obsessed with projecting an image of himself as some kind of Alpha Top Dog Lethal-As-Shit Warfighter™ — but let’s get real. the only thing Pete’s ever killed with his own bare hands has been a fifth of whiskey.
and, of course, nothing says I’m the manliest hombré to ever punch war in the face more than stamping your foot and holding your breath until you turn blue because your precious fee-fees got all hurted and stuff.
oh my god, what a thin-skinned piss-baby. what a weak and insecure child. here’s one of the photos that had Mister Lethality melting down into a big puddle of sad.
if making Plastered Pete look bad gets you banned from the Pentagon, here I go, ensuring that I will never, ever have a job as a Department of Defense press photographer.
look, it’s damned near impossible not to get a shot of Piss-Drunk Pete looking idiotic. it’s as if he goes out of his way to be a buffoonish photo factory. never forget that when Fox News needed a dunk-tank clown, Pete elbowed his way to the front of the line.
for fuck’s sake, it was Pete himself who posted videos of him doing the lamest-ass you-can’t-even-call-them-pull-ups ever. maybe Pete should ban himself from the Pentagon. we’d probably end up in fewer disastrous wars if he did.
and, of course, let’s not forget the granddaddy of them all, Flippy McCrushnuts and the Case of the Errant Skateboard.
tuesday: at least she didn’t say Michael Jackson
the thing about Donny Convict’s merry band of ass-clowns and stumblefucks is that they’re not only all bad at their jobs, they’re bad at being decent human beings. exhibit A: Parking Garage Lawyer Alina Habba.
“I think if you look at Kamala Harris’s, uh, if you look at polls, Kamala Harris’s desperation at Reggie Jackson’s funeral.”
we now go to a very-much-alive Reggie Jackson for his reaction to the news that Kamala Harris attended his funeral.
no, it wasn’t Reggie Jackson’s funeral that Kamala Harris attended — it was Jesse Jackson’s. how do you fuck that up? I understand that for people like the Parking Garage Lawyer, all black folks look alike — but come on. if you’re going to go on TV, at least make an effort.
this, by the way, is the face Alina makes when she demands to speak with racism’s manager.
wedneday: I’ll drink to that
Larry Kudlow, Fox’s wooziest financial analyst, has a message for all of us who are struggling with skyrocketing gas prices: shut the fuck up, you unpatriotic piece of shit.
“$3.50 gasoline — people are talking like this is the end of the world. no, it’s not. in return for what? in return for completely rewriting history favorably to the United States.”
what the crap is Two-Drinks Larry gibbering about? how would any kind of ‘victory’ in Iran ‘rewrite history’? that’s not even what ‘rewriting history’ means. sober the fuck up, bro. you might make more sense.
but I digress. here’s my point: all these shitwits who are now claiming it’s our loyal duty to pay through the nose for car-juice are hypocrites.
I’m so old, I remember when Larry Kudlow was so shaken with rage over gas prices under Joe Biden that he nearly spilled his third martini of the afternoon.
here’s a fun fact about Kudlow: Fox News pays him a million dollars a year to be a slurring, inebriated mess on TV.
with that kind of income, do you think Two-Drinks Larry gives any kind of shit what anything costs?
I’m so fucking tired of millionaires and billionaires telling We the People to relax about the price of things. fuck off.
thursday: I’ll drink to that, too
speaking of not being able to pass a breathalyzer test — everything fucking sucks right now, so let’s just enjoy America’s Tipsiest US Attorney, Jeanine Pirro, as she completely loses her shit over her politically-motivated prosecution of Jerome Powell being thrown out of court.
“oh, cut it out. do you know how many convictions we’ve got— CUT IT OUT! you’re in one lane. WE HAVE CLEANED UP THIS CITY— again, historic! really? I’ll tell you what’s historic. what’s historic is that I prosecute everything other than ten percent of the cases. where the United States Attorney before me did prosecute SIXTY SEVEN PERCENT of the cases. that’s what’s historic. I’M WILLING TO TAKE A NOT-GUILTY! I’m willing to take a not true bill. because I’ll take ALL the crimes and put them in. THANK YOU.”
oh my, that is precious. let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
Jeanine Pirro, you are a national treasure. never change. never, ever change.
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
on Friday, with the economy collapsing, the Middle East on fire, and gas prices in the stratosphere, some fucking idiot began his day by focusing on what’s really important: renderings of the Fucking Idiot Center™.
the fucking idiot then vowed to sue the NY Times’ Maggie Haberman for the unspeakable crime of being so unfair to him.
oh yeah, I can’t wait until Tipsy Jeanine melts down over this one being laughed out of court.
oh look, the fucking idiot just threw the Iranian people under the bus.
the fucking idiot then did an interview with Brian Kilmeade, during which he announced that his illegal war on Iran will be over when he can ‘feel it in his bones.’
which, of course, will perfect sense to all military historians. who can ever forget when Abe Lincoln said the Civil War would end when he could feel it in his bones?
now here’s the fucking idiot decrying the cold-blooded murder of peaceful protesters.
no, the fucking idiot wasn’t talking about Minneapolis. he was talking about Iran. did your irony detector just explode? mine did.
now, what the fuck is this? another six service members are dead — this time in a plane crash — and the fucking idiot is playing cowboy?
all hat, no brain.
later, while on his way to spend a long weekend cheating at golf down at Motel-a-Lago, the fucking idiot stopped to talk to reporters. dear lord, his rotting hand looks like it’s about to explode.
could someone please tell the fucking idiot, who for some reason was apparently doing radioactive tangerine cosplay, that ‘mutilization’ is not a word — and also that he’s a transphobic piece of shit?
and despite all that dumbfuckery going on right in front of their noses, not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I didn't start out with the intention of making this the drunkest This Week In Stupid ever, but I had to play the hand I was dealt
What Trump probably MEANT to say was that the war would be over when he felt it in his bone spurs.