this week in stupid: June 14 edition
Kayleigh explains it, ICE goons detain it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: though shalt not suck
it’s been a minute, so let’s check in with god-bothering uber-zealot David Reece. yo Dave, want to catch us up on how your plan to transform America into a Christofascist theocracy is coming along?
“I think the first table of the law, in other words, the first, second, third and fourth commandments should be enforced by the state. there should be a punishing of idolatry, a suppressing of blasphemies, and a protecting of the sabbath.”
so homey here wants the full weight of the US legal apparatus brought to bear on the sinners who violate all the thou-shalt-nots in the Bible. I have to say that I’m loving this idea — because I can think of a few blasphemers who definitely need to have some wrathful justice sent their way for thou-shalting when they should have notted.
let’s start with the shit-wits who brought a golden idol of Dear Leader to CPAC.
idolatry doesn’t get any more idolatastic than that.
how about House Speaker Limpdick? half the crap that comes out of his mouth is a bearing of false witness.
and hey, do you want to talk about shitting all over the Sabbath day? because I know of this one golf-obsessed fuckface who spends every weekend as far from a church as humanly possible.
tuesday: existing while brown
Kristi Noem’s merry band of masked Gestapo goons have this super cool thing they do: hang out at immigration courts, and round up migrants on their way to hearings.
it’s super easy — like shooting fish in a barrel — and what could be more fun than ruining the lives of honest people who were only trying to remain lawful residents?
but at least they’re not racially profiling while they shit all over common decency, right? please tell me that they’re not simply detaining every brown-skinned person in sight and asking questions later. because that would be super fucking racist, wouldn’t it?
“A Deputy US Marshal who fit the general description of a subject being sought by ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) was briefly detained at a federal building in Tucson after entering the lobby of the building,” the U.S. Marshals Service statement said. “The Deputy US Marshal’s identity was quickly confirmed by other law enforcement officers, and he exited the building without incident.”
oh, he “fit the general description,” did he?
now there’s an entry for the Super Racist Euphemism Hall of Fame.
wednesday: this day in revisionist history
it’s truly impressive how Vice President Couchfuck McGee always ends up on the wrong side of every issue.
one minute, he’ll be defending neo-Nazis, and lecturing Germany on how they need to be hugging them more, and then the next minute —
“I feel like something happened like ten years ago where every— it’s like you have to think that every single person who fought for the Confederate side was an evil person, and I just think that’s so stupid.”
fantastic. let’s stand up for those brave souls who fought for the right to own people, to buy and sell them, to rape them, and to force them to work for free — because make no mistake, that’s what the secession of the southern states was all about.
look, maybe not every Confederate foot soldier was evil, but the cause they fought for was. here’s a lovely quote. can you guess who said it?
“Our new government[‘s]...foundations are laid, its cornerstone rests upon the great truth, that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery—subordination to the superior race—is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth.”
that was Alexander Stephens, the Vice President of the Confederate States of America, speechifying on March 21, 1861. you’ll notice that ‘states rights’ isn’t mentioned at all during his speech.
here’s my message to Couchfuck, and everyone else who wants to obfuscate what the Civil War was all about —
thursday: please make it stop
you’ve got to hand it to the yammerheads at Fox News. they always manage to come up with the dumbest fucking take on everything.
“but when Tom Homan mentioned the arrest, how quickly did Gavin Newsom say ‘bring it on, guys.’ and then you watch them in front of Congress, one by one. ‘bring it on! bring it on’ they all want that mug shot. but here’s the thing, Jesse: they can’t get a mug shot like President Trump. the way he looked in the mirror, and it’s become so iconic. I don’t think any one of those could pull off the handsome mug shot that President Trump did.”
so, what Kayleigh McNinnyninny is saying here is that Senator Padilla got himself arrested on purpose, so he could have a mug shot, because he’s jealous of Dear Leader.
first of all, Kayleigh: fuck you for even thinking that Padilla engineered the roughing-up he got at the hands of ICE Barbie’s thugs, much less actually letting those vile words seep from your vapid food-hole.
secondly, I’m sorry — Dear Leader’s handsome mug shot? what the fuck are you gibbering about?
friday: on the where?
let’s check in with the Secretary of the Army, Dan Driscoll. apparently he’s got some stunning news he can’t wait to share.
“we talked to an astronaut yesterday who’s on the moon, who’s a soldier.”
obviously, Dipshit Dan meant to say ‘international space station’ — but overcome by his boyish excitement over being on TV, he completely shanked it.
end of story, right?
wrong. Danny’s slip of the tongue caused the dumbest fuckwads on the planet — the I Did My Own Research crowd — to orgasm on the spot.
“Interesting. It has been understood that we’ve had a presence there for a very very long time.”
a very long time? really? so, why haven’t we heard anything about this before now?
“Because they hid things from us.”
I mean, obviously — and that’s not all they’re hiding from us.
“If you go on Rumble, pull up Super Soldier Talk. We have soldiers on Mars. Fascinating stuff on there!! You have to use portals to get there. Look for JP & I can’t remember a guy named James last name. Women too! Unreal what they go through & time travel involved too.”
portals and time travel and bears, oh my!
I have no clue what’s going on with this next not-tweet. my batshit-to-english translator is on the fritz.
“so we know the enemy has control of the airways. Where do the airways come from?”
it’s a totes legit question: where do the airways come from? I’m guessing the air.
now let’s hear from the lone dissenting voice in the whole comment thread below that clip on not-twitter.
“There aren’t. We’ve never been to the moon.”
that’s it. I quit.
saturday: fuck this fucking fuck
some micro-dick ass-clown draft-dodger is going to waste tens of millions of dollars and damage the historic, centuries-old streets of Washington, DC in order to throw a militaristic birthday parade for himself, all just to stroke his own fragile infantile ego.
stupid doesn’t get stupider than that.
pray for rain.
no, even better: pray for hailstones the size of canned hams.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
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if you're not reading this because you're on your way to a No Kings protest, that's an acceptable excuse
“pray for hailstones the size of canned hams” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣