this week in stupid: July 20 edition
Rudy tumbles, Holy Mike stumbles, Donny crumbles, and much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.
this week, the Republican National Convention provided us with five entire days’ worth of stupid. let us count the ways.
monday: instant karma’s gonna get you
Republicans have been mocking the shit out of Joe Biden ever since his disastrous performance at the debate. he’s old. he’s icky. he smells bad. he’s already dead and he’s too demented to know it.
porn app salesman and god-bothering House Speaker Mike Johnson’s been one of the loudest voices in this annoying chorus, never shutting the fuck up about how Sleepy Brandon can’t speak in public without the help of a teleprompter.
it just so happens that God is fed up with this shit, and decided to play a game of Instant Karma with Holy Mike. check out what happens nine seconds into his own appearance at the RNC.
“ladies and gentlemen, it is now my honor to introduce the Attorney General … and there goes the teleprompter.”
booyah, dipshit. Holy Mike is such a slave to the teleprompter that he can’t improvise — or even remember the name of the person he’s supposed to be introducing. he just wanders offstage — for forty-five minutes, while technicians try to get the damned thing working again.
who’s the demento now, Mikey?
tuesday: pride goeth before … y’know
as Animal House’s Dean Wormer didn’t exactly put it, drunk, disbarred and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
it’s advice that Rudy Giuliani would have been wise to have taken, but no — America’s Tipsiest Mayor just had to go for the trifecta.
aides blamed the “uneven” floor of the convention hall for Rudy’s gin-soaked tumble. yeah, that checks out. it was the mean old floor that started purposely spinning, out of spite, and then rose up to hit Rudy in the face. uh-huh. makes perfect sense to me. I’m sure that’s exactly how it happened.
this is a moment that demands to be immortalized in a gif, so let’s go for it.
wednesday: very mysterious ways
it was so predictable that the MAGA cultists would immediately start proclaiming — complete with nauseating fan art — that God protected His Own Avatar On Earth, intervening at the last second to deflect the whatever it was that nicked the tippy-tip of Dear Leader’s ear.
noted space-laser expert Marjorie Spork Toes Greene went on Breitbart TV to wax eloquently on God’s personal involvement in the grazing of Dear Leader’s ear. here’s the exact moment the shrooms kicked in.
“I believe we all witnessed a miracle, literally. y’know, before it happened, the flag above got blown in the wind and it got tied into what literally looked like an angel. did you see that video? oh my god, you have to find that. it was truly— it was like an angel coming down, it was the American flag tied. they had to bring it down and all the people in the stands helped unravel it. it was literally before he came out on the stage.”
hey, all you god-mad dipshits insisting that God saved Dear Leader’s life, can we talk? consider this: there were so many better ways that God could have intervened than to have bent the path of the bullet so that it instead buried itself into the skull of some innocent bystander. he could have caused the AR-15 to jam — or he could have put happier thoughts into the head of dweeby incel Matthew Thomas Crooks, so that instead of committing gun mayhem, he went a pet store and bought some bunnies.
this is the part where I would usually say so tell us, Marge, are these angels in the room with us right now? — except you know that Sporky would get that far-away look in her eyes and answer yes. yes they are.
but wait, it’s a Wednesday Stupid Two-fer!
here’s infuriatingly-unindicted sex pest Matt Gaetz to show us why you never get botox injections on the morning of an important speech.
thursday: Tiffany who?
it sucks to be Tiffany Trump. she’s literally the forgotten daughter. she’s rarely mentioned by the press. when she shows up for family gatherings, she’s shunted off to the side and ignored. unlike her older half-siblings, she’s never been invited to participate in any of the thievery or grifting. Tiff Trump is definitely not getting her piece of the action — but worst of all, her own father apparently has no fucking clue who she is.
check out what happens here when Tiffany, all smiles, goes up to greet daddy at the RNC. Sundowning Grandpa Ear-Diaper just stares off past this apparent stranger. why is this woman trying to kiss me?
poor Tiffany has no choice but to hold her head high and gamely keep on walking.
I hate to say that I predicted this would happen, but I literally predicted this would happen — six years ago.
now let’s commemorate the moment and turn it into a gif.
friday: united uniter unitingly calls for unity
here’s a fun fact about political speeches: advance copies are handed out to the press, and a lot of lazy reporters write their stories based on the printed text, rather than the actual speech as it’s given. 99% of the time, that’s not a problem, as most politicians rarely divert from the prepared text.
if the speaker is Donny Convict, however, all bets are off. any reporter foolish enough to file their story based on the advance text — instead of the actual, mostly-improvised incoherent shit-show that Donny gave — ended up looking like a stupid fucking idiot on Friday morning.
or, you could just be Politico, and live in an alternate reality.
serious question: did someone spike the Politico water cooler with LSD?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.
I'm proud to say I didn't watch one minute of that fucking hate-fest of the Republican trash. Nope.
I always suggest for Trump’s next test of his cognition he be asked to name his children&his grandchildren.