this week in stupid: January 24 edition
Donny Convict walks it, Couchfuck McGee talks it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: his issues have issues
it may be a new week in America — but for Fox News found object Jesse Watters, it’s just more of the same old inability to process some deeply-suppressed childhood trauma.
“Daddy is about to land and he has needs.”
ugh. I don’t even want to know what these fucking ‘needs’ are that Jesse imagines ‘daddy’ requires.
MAGA, I beg of you. just for one minute, can we get real and have a frank talk about Dear Leader’s actual needs? because here they are, in order of importance.
— a pudding cup, and a nice attendant to change his diaper and put him to bed.
— someone to take his phone away.
— another one of those tests where he points to a picture of a camel.
— a doctor who, at long last, will be honest with him.
— an assisted living facility with a good memory care center.
as for Found Object Jesse, what he needs is to work out his problems off the air. he’s just embarrassing himself.
tuesday: let that sink in
here’s United States Vice President Couchfuck McGee — in defense of Donny Convict’s inability to fix the economy he just keeps making worse — delivering the dumbfuckiest metaphor of all time.
“you don't turn the Titanic around overnight.”
yeah. I’m pretty sure you don’t turn the Titanic around overnight, or ever at all — because the fucking thing hit an iceberg and sank.
which, now that I think about it, is actually isn’t such a bad metaphor for Donny’s economy.
how does Couchfuck not know this? there have only been like seventeen movies about it.
hey, wouldn’t you have loved to see Couchfuck as a character in The Titanic? he could have walked up to passengers at random and gone ‘so, how long have you been on a sinking ship? HA HA, THAT’S GREAT.’
wednesday: I’ve lost count
the remarkable thing about the team of gazillionaire shit-kazoos who make up Donny’s cabinet is how they’re so relatable. they have the same problems as we do, am I right?
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent: “someone, maybe your parents for their retirement, bought five, ten, twelve homes.”
oh please, on what fucking planet did my parents buy ten homes? because I want to go there and take advantage of that shit. why has my mom been holding out on me about those other nine homes?
this is the same out-of-touch asshole who whined last October about how we should all feel sorry for him because he was just some poor soybean farmer trying to make ends meet.
fact check: fuck off.
Soybean Scott isn’t any kind of farmer. what his is, is a predator who bought some farmland and rents it out for income — to the tune of about a million bucks a year.
your parents or mine aren’t the ones buying ten houses at a time. it’s oligarchs like Soybean Scott who’s pulling that shit, driving up the cost of real estate and making housing unaffordable for the rest of us.
for those of you keeping score at home, you get two dolls and five pencils — and, according to Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins, you also get a three-dollar meal consisting of “a piece of chicken, a piece of broccoli, a corn tortilla, and one other thing.”
meanwhile, fuckface plutocrats like Soybean Scott get all the houses they want.
thursday: tainted with a wut
hey, are you ready for some prime MAGA-on-MAGA violence?
white nationalist Lauren Witzke: “but I do think there is a bloodline that isn’t human. there’s no way. some people can have no humanity. no grace. for example, someone like Laura Loomer. those type of people, I swear, their DNA is tainted with a demon, or something. there’s no sense of grace, or forgiveness, or any kind of— like, not human.”
hey, you know who else used to persecute ‘those type of people’ for being ‘not human’ and ‘tainted’? of course you do.
and, as long as we’re playing who-did-the-Nazis-hate guessing games, can you guess the religion of presidential side-piece Laura Loomer? of course you can.
oh, and do fuck straight off, Lauren Witzke, for making me defend Laura Loopy.
friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot
on Friday, some fucking idiot started his day by blithering about a storm like no one’s ever seen before. a storm like no one thought possible. a big, strong storm with tears in its eyes.
and because the fucking idiot truly is a fucking idiot, he manged to wedge a little climate-change denial into his post.
free clue for the fucking idiot: massive storms are a direct result of climate change. but look at me, trying to explain something to a fucking idiot.
the fucking idiot had no public appearances on his schedule for Friday, leaving him free to spend the whole day shitting out drek on his crappy app.
oh look, it’s a rendition of one of his stupid triumphal arches, compete with the same fake-gold crap he’s used to cheapen the Oval Bordello.
the fucking idiot also posted some AI slop of a Formula One race taking place in front of the US Capitol Building, because reasons, I’m sure.
he also took time out to hype the Slovenian rent-a-wife documentary.
by the way, the Melania movie is expected to be a shittastically-embarrassing failure.
The vanity project, for which Jeff Bezos’ Amazon reportedly paid $40 million, is projected to make a measly $5 million on the weekend following its Jan. 30 release.
That is despite the studio spending an additional $35 million on marketing and opening the release to 27 different countries.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA oops, I meant to say ‘how terrible for the fucking idiot and his Slovenian rent-a-wife.’
then it was time for the Airing of the Grievances. the fucking idiot threatened to commit all the tariffs on Canada, if Mark Carney doesn’t stop being a poopyhead meanie.
finally, the White House shat this fever-swamp nonsense onto Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium: the fucking idiot and a penguin, strolling arm and arm like the best buds they are, in the general direction of Greenland.
fun fact: there are no penguins to be found in Greenland — or, in fact, the entire arctic. penguins are native only to Antarctica. how is there not one person in the White House who knows this? how are they all so bone-crushingly ignorant?
and, because the fucking idiot spent the entire day without showing his big, dumb pumpkin face in public, not one reporter had the opportunity to stand up and ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
how fucking idiotic is that?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
971 / 1060
today in Shit That Happened While I Was Writing This Shit:
"Reports incoming that federal agents have shot and killed another person near Glam Doll Donuts on Nicollet Avenue in Minneapolis. Multiple shots fired. 'It was an execution,' witness tells us."
https://bsky.app/profile/meidastouch.com/post/3md6llfc34s2q
oh my fucking god I fucking loathe these fucking fucks
How long have we all been on Trump's sinking ship? Feels like a fucking century! Living during the Trump era will take 10 years off your life.