this week in stupid: January 18 edition

Republicans misspell it, Rand Paul dispels it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: who would Jesus infect

it’s been a hot minute, so let’s check in on America’s new christofascist overlords. here’s newly-elected Indiana Attorney General Todd Rokita.

“with your help, together, we will make Indiana a truly free state … where we can raise our children as God intended, without interference by woke schools, doctors or courts ... where we are no longer vaxxed or masked.”

sure, absolutely. it’s a well-known fact that Jesus was all about spreading preventable diseases. it’s right there in the Sermon on the Mount: blessed are the science-deniers, for they will choke to death on their own infectious mucus.

I’m no scholar, but I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing in the Bible about vaccinations — but as long as we’re going to adhere to “God’s intentions,” here’s one he’s pretty specific about.

if you wear linen and wool at the same time, you should be fucking slaughtered.

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

that’s good old Leviticus 19:19. now here’s Leviticus 19:27.

Ye shall not round off the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

what do you have to say for yourself, Todd, you infidel? because it looks to me like you’re definitely marring the corners of thy beard.

that’s what I love about these cristofascist hypocrites. they cherry-pick the Bible to prove whatever oppressive notion they want to inflict on the rest of us — but when it comes to actually adhering to the laws that are right there in the Bible, it’s fucking crickets.

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tuesday: hly fcking sht, lern hw to fcking spel

Tuesday was Pete Hegseth’s confirmation hearing, and Senate Republicans brought all the props out in support of his confirmation — because nothing says I’m a serious legislator whose issues should be taken seriously more than misspelling the word military.

in their own defense, Senate Republicans had been out all night getting hammered with Piss-Drunk Pete, and were too hung over the next morning to notice.

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wednesday: I download Supreme Court decisions for the idiocy

during oral arguments regarding a Texas law requiring age verification in order to access porn sites, Fishin’ Trip Sammy Alito raised a cogent question.

“Justice Alito is asking if websites like Pornhub have ‘essays, modern day Gore Vidal, stuff like that’ like the old Playboy.”

um, who wants to tell him?

I suppose on the one hand, it’s admirable that Steal Stoppin’ Sammy should be so ignorant of the online porn experience that he’d ask such a ludicrous question — but on the other hand: why the fuck are ancient white men allowed to rule on technologies they’re too out-of-touch to understand?

remember the old “the internet is a series of tubes” meme? here’s where it came from: an old white man who had no clue what he was gibbering about.

back in 2006, Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was railing against streaming services. he wanted to shut them down. he was convinced they were going to break the internet — because, as he explained it, the internet is “a series of tubes.” here is exactly what Senator Stevens said.

“And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It’s not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. And if you don’t understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it’s going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.”

these people should not be setting policy affecting millions of Americans. they should be enjoying a nice, hot cup of shut the fuck up in a managed care facility.

oh, and for the record, “I download porn for the articles” is a joke I made twelve years ago.

you’re welcome.

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thursday: mirth of an abomination

oh frabjous day, the toxic incels are at it again.

pro tip: posting shit like this is proof you’ve failed as a human being.

also, can you fucking idiots get your stories straight?

just two weeks ago, the Space Nazi was extolling the virtues of c-sections — promising that if women would opt out of giving birth the old-fashioned way, all of us could have brains as big as his.

“There are certainly other factors at play, but heavy use of c-sections allows for a larger brain, as brain size has historically been limited by birth canal diameter.”

so which is it, incels?

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friday: stand back, Rand Paul’s about to say something stupid

while writing these daily posts, there’s a line I find myself using over and over: “it’s so easy to solve all the world’s problems when you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” the reason I keep repeating it, is because Republicans keep proving it’s true.

here’s failed wig model Rand Paul, explaining how he knows more about water management than all the water managers.

“I see these homes burning and I’m like wow, if they just had a generator and a hose, you start sucking the water out of the The Pacific Ocean. but you can do more than that. you can pump it and put it in cisterns up in the hills a mile or two in. why don’t they take the ocean water and put it in cisterns have a bunch of water ready when a wildfire shows up? once again, bad local government.”

hey everybody, Rand Paul just invented reservoirs. that’s some Nobel Prizewinning stuff right there.

this fucking arrogant asshole, lecturing Los Angeles on why don’t you just have reservoirs?

you nincompoop, Los Angeles has reservoirs. plenty of them. and they were all full when the fires started. that’s not the issue. Rand Paul is conveniently forgetting about the part where LA was dealing with literal hurricanes made out of fire that were too massive and fast-moving to control or contain — by any fire department, anywhere.

talking out of your ass from the floor of the Senate is easy. actually dealing with problems is hard — and Republicans are proving it every day.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.