this week in stupid: August 31 edition

MAGA campaigns, JD Vance explains, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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sunday: where’s weirdo?

when Bobby Brainworms Junior announced he was joining Team Donny, MAGA’s weirdest cultists all too eager commemorate the moment by pumping out weirdly obsessive fan art.

bro, I think the subtext in this muscle-fest you’ve created says more about your subconscious inner desires than you realize.

[update: I have been informed that Gary Peterson is a parody account. pretend you never saw this. — jeff t]

here’s Bobby, Donny and the Space Nazi, apparently walking away from a flag they just … set on fire? help me out, MAGA, what the fuck kind of symbolism is going on here?

here’s another homey who can’t wait for Donny, Bobby and the Space Nazi to “team up to take down Harris and the Deep State.”

something’s missing, though. I can’t quite put my finger on it. oh wait — I know what it is!

where’s Couchfuck McGee?

oh my god, look how quickly MAGA un-personned JD Vance — even Donny’s rabid worshipers hate JD’s weird guts.

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monday: new Walz scandal drops

uh oh, the wingnuts have caught Tiananmen Tim in a pernicious lie.

“Yes, this is Tim Walz tweeting about his dog Scout. Only problem is that these are two completely different dogs.”

it’s time to come clean Tim, if that’s really your name. which one of these dogs is the good boy?

I don’t know how to break it to you joyless morons, but more than one dog can be a good boy at the same time.

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tuesdsay: qanon prophet sez

it’s been a minute, so let’s drop in on QAnon and see what kind of batshittery they’ve been up to.

Johnny Enlow: “I have become aware, in a conclusive way, that there is a major name star that has been assumed to be dead for a long time. I’m just not allowed to say who it is right now, but—”
Steve Shultz: “I know who you’re talking about, and it’s going to be exciting.”
Enlow: “I’m not even sure you do, but that’s possible.”
Schultz: “ok, all right, so while there’s more than one—”
Enlow: “there’s more than one, yes.”
Schultz: “it’s probably like three top ones that I hear the most, so yeah. the person that frequents the patriot channels, you can probably narrow that down to one or two.”
Enlow: “this is somebody I interacted with in the last few days.”
Schults: “you interacted with this person?”
Enlow: “well, we’ll just save the person’s security. I’m not supposed to say too much because if they don’t see it’s the right timing, then I don’t want to mess it up for them.”

aren’t you pumped to learn who’s been faking their own death? I’m on the edge of my chair here. who could this mystery celeb be?

I’m hoping it turns out to be Nanette Fabray.

Nanette looks MAGA as fuck, doesn’t she?

but, seriously: notice how Johnny Enlow gives himself an out at the very end: “if they don’t see it’s the right timing.” now, when this becomes the seventeen thousandth consecutive QAnon prediction to fail to come true, Enlow can just shrug and claim that the time wasn’t right. it was a security thing.

sure, Jan.

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wednesday: I will literally die if I don’t have logic

Hung Cao is the Republican candidate for Senate from Virginia. there are three things you need to know about Cao.

first, overgrown toddler Donny Convict thinks the name “Hung Cao” is super fucking hilarious.

second, Cao has vowed to make Virginia a witch-free zone.

and third, like so many Republicans, Candidate Cao is unafraid to say the stupidest shit.

“no one in the United States is like ‘oh my gosh, I will die if I don’t have health care.’”

uh bro, no. dying because you don’t have healthcare is literally how not having healthcare works.

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thursday: new Kamala scandal drops

uh oh, the wingnuts have caught Komrade Kamala in a pernicious lie.

“NEW: Kamala Harris’s missing ‘summer job’ at McDonald’s job. Her resume and job application a year after graduating college — @FreeBeacon obtained through FOIA — don’t mention it.”

obviously, Komrade Kamala is lying — because I slung the shit out of burgers at Mickey Dee’s is definitely a thing you’d put on your resume when applying for the job of Alameda County Deputy District Attorney.

folks, I have a confession to make. throughout the 1960s, I had a paper route. every weekday afternoon after school, I would bicycle through the streets of White Meadow Lake, New Jersey, and fling copies of the Daily Advance onto people’s lawns. I have never put this job on any resume, and I deeply regret hiding this fact from my readership. going forth, I promise to do better.

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friday: here’s weirdo

on Thursday, one of the feral squirrels that live inside Donny Convict’s head bit into the wrong wire, causing Donny to blurt out that he would be voting against Florida’s abortion ban. this sent the entire anti-abortion movement into a tizzy. Dear Leader said what?

Team Trump came up with a cunning plan to calm the zealots down: let’s put Couchfuck McGee on CNN to explain that Dear Leader didn’t say the thing that everyone heard him say. Team Trump forgot, however, about the part where Couchfuck has absolutely no ability to mimic a genuine human response to anything. gaze in awe as stupidity ensues.

Vance: “look, the president I’m sure will tell the American people how he’s going to vote on it eventually, but he wasn’t making an announcement last night.”
CNN host John Berman: “so it was a grammar thing.”’
Vance: [stares blankly at the camera for five entire seconds] “I’m sorry, could you repeat that, John?”
Berman: “it was a grammar thing? it was a speech thing? it was somehow confusion in the words that he chose?”
Vance: [stares blankly at the camera for six entire seconds]
Berman: “Senator Vance, can you hear me?”
Vance: [points to his ear] “super staticky.”
Berman: “Senator Vance, I may be super staticky. you may not be hearing the loud baritone of my voice here.”

we’re so sorry, JD, that our earthling earbuds don’t fit snugly into your weird lizard ear-holes. maybe you should have packed your own before leaving your home planet.

spoiler alert: later in the day on Friday, Donny reversed himself and subsequently announced that he would now be voting in favor of Florida’s abortion ban. it took Donny less than 24 hours to change his mind — twice! — on a major issue. unfortunately, our nation’s reporters were too busy screaming here’s what you said about fracking five years ago at Kamala Harris to ask Donny about his sudden flip of flop.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.