this week in stupid: August 1 edition

Donny floats it, the diaper nurse totes it, and so much more...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

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monday: the heartbreak of fuckbrainscabosis

folks, here’s the thing about stupid: it doesn’t magically cure itself.

Jason Selvig of the Good Liars: “what are your thoughts on the higher gas prices?”

cultist: “uh, well, when Obama was in there, he said ‘Americans can afford five dollars,’ well, you know, he said it right out loud. I don’t think Trump has anything to do with this. I think they are just doing this to make him look bad — the liberals… I don’t blame Trump.”

ace job, bro. you just broke Robbie the Robot, who was listening to your incoherent gibberish.

imagine having your brain become so waterlogged from marinating in Preznit Fuckwit’s fever-swamp fairy tales that facts and reason can no longer penetrate it.

scientists at the famed Walter Reed Medical Center have put a name to this malady, the inability of MAGA to process basic information and reach a logical conclusion.

they call it fuckbrainscabosis.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, high gas prices were definitely Sleepy Joe Brandon’s fault.

but nothing is ever Dear Leader’s fault.

the heartbreak of fuckbrainscabosis. won’t you help find a cure?

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tuesday: literacy — it’s not an option

hey, here’s an actual thing that Piss-Drunk Pete’s Department of Clownfucking actually posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium.

look at what they’re saying here: winning … it’s not an option.

I guess this must be one of those ‘saying the quiet part out loud’ things, because when it comes to Donny’s don’t-you-dare-call-it-a-war on Iran, ‘winning’ sure as shit hasn’t been an option.

seriously, though: what a stupid fucking grammatical mistake to make — and it happened because nobody at the highest levels of government bothered to take thirty seconds to see if what they posted made any sense at all. they just — as always — acted first and thought never.

it’s so fucking exhausting to be governed over by idiots. they can’t even do the simplest things right.

the link to this post used to be here — but look what happens if you try to click it now:

they deleted it — but the internet never forgets.

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wednesday: verily, I doth say unto you, neigh

Bible-thumping oddity Kat Kerr is, in her own words, a “demon tormentor and Spiritual King.” her web site invites you to “discover what Heaven is like by someone who has been there many times.”

Kat was apparently up in Heaven again this week, and she’s returned with some breaking news from the Big Guy in the Sky.

lay it on us, Kat.

“Jesus has his own business office in Heaven. it’s called Central Station. I do know Oral Roberts works there, and I do know Billy Joe Daugherty works there, and I do know also, right now, that Charlie Kirk works there with Jesus. and what does he do? he gets to shoot arrows of light which are very dangerous against Hell. I’ve already talked to Erika, she knows all about it.”

oh, I see. misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk is now an employee of Jesus Inc, in some capacity as a corner-office arrow-shooter.

but wait a minute — I have a question: what happened to the heavenly horse farm?

it’s a legit question to ask, because last October, Kim Robinson — who also claims to make regular field trips to Heaven, for sit-downs with Mister God Himself — told us that Jesus gave the misshaped garden gnome his own horse farm.

“I saw Charlie this morning, riding on a horse, with Jesus, and Jesus has given him like a horse ranch. he has a ranch.”

so what’s the deal here? did the horse ranch fail, because Charlie doesn’t know shit about running one? did Jesus sigh and go, ‘okay Charlie, I’ll give you one more chance. you can come work for me at corporate headquarters. how are you at handling flaming arrows?’

or is this a late-stage capitalism thing, where even up in Heaven, Charlie has to hold down two jobs just to make ends meet?

you god-botherers really need to get your stories straight.

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thursday: going, going, gone

now it’s time to put on your flame-resistant clothing, because the stupid is about to burn out of control again.

Atheists, imagine you’re a famous baseball player and are about to bat the winning hit. Accidentally, the pitcher tosses a Christian baby at you. Would you still hit the baby out of the stadium and win millions, or spare the Christian baby?

I have to say, I’m fucking loving this hypothetical — especially the part where the pitcher accidentally throws a Christian baby.

how does that work? imagine that you’re a pitcher. you go into your windup, and as you grasp what you expect to be the baseball, you realize, ‘holy shit, that’s not a ball. that’s a baby. how the hell did that thing get in there?’ and, because apparently you’re keenly attuned to these things, as the baby leaves your hand, you go, ‘oh fuck, that’s a Christian baby.’

now, imagine you’re the batter. you watch the Christian baby leave the pitcher’s hand, and, from the infant’s rotation, you instinctively realize that you’ve been thrown a curvebaby — and it’s right down the middle of the plate.

dude, that shit’s right in your wheelhouse.

so, what do you do?

now, if it were me, I’d swing as hard as I could, and smack that little bro a country mile — because nothing’s going to happen to it. come on, it’s a Christian baby. you know that Charlie Kirk, astride his horse, is going to save it with one of his flaming arrows.

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friday: the further adventures of Some Fucking Idiot™

on Friday, some fucking idiot had exactly one item on his public agenda: a cabinet meeting at Camp David.

now, why would the fucking idiot drag his entire gang of sewer clowns, along with the White House press corps, sixty-two miles to the wilds of Maryland and back again, when they could have met in the Cabinet Room that’s right next door to the Oval Bordello?

don’t ask the fucking idiot. he couldn’t articulate a coherent reason. maybe he just wanted a photo to post to his crappy app.

so, did the fucking idiot’s stalker-slash-diaper-nurse attend the meeting? absofuckinglutely.

anyway, the cabinet meeting started the way all of the fucking idiot’s cabinet meetings start: with his sewer clowns all trying to outdo each other in lavishing over-the-top, unearned praise on him.

Bessent: “President Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton could not have imagined the economy that we would have created. It is the envy of the world.”

do you know what else Washington, Jefferson, Hamilton could have never imagined? that their beloved American people would ever be dumb enough to elect the fucking idiot twice.

the fucking idiot is pretty much mad at everybody these days.

Q: Who from the administration is talking to Iran?
TRUMP: Steve, Jared, JD is involved, Marco
Q: They say talks aren't happening
TRUMP: All they do is make me angry

oh look, the fucking idiot is threatening Iran again.

Trump: “We’ll be hitting them. We'll be hitting them very hard. At some point they’re gonna say, ‘We just can't take it anymore.’”

by my count, this is the seven millionth time that the fucking idiot has vowed to hit Iran ‘very hard.’ how is that working out for the fucking idiot?

now, somebody please explain this to me: when asked to defend Minnesota against cyberattacks by Iran, why would the fucking idiot take Iran’s side?

Q: Can you rule out that Iran is behind the water attacks?

TRUMP: I don’t think so. I think that Minnesota is behind it. You know who is behind it? Minnesota. Because they're grossly incompetent. I don’t think there was an Iranian cyberattack. I think Minnesota ought to get its act together.

later that day, reporters caught up with the fucking idiot, who was on his way to spend the weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery.

“How much longer will Americans continue to see these high gas prices?”

“Well, they’re not very high.”

not very high? do you think the fucking idiot — a soft, pampered child of wealth and privilege, who has probably never pumped his own gas in his life — has ever had to worry about the price of anything?

fuck you, you out-of-touch idiot.

and even though the entire White House press contingent was literally right there in front of the fucking idiot while he babbled his fool head off, not one reporter stood up to ask ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

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now let’s put a close to This Week in Stupid and have us some Daily Claudia.

here are three photos of Katie and her mom from the mid-1990s. I believe the birthday being celebrated here is Ms. Spouse’s.

that big old farmhouse table, which Ms. Spouse and I bought at an estate auction in the 1980s, now sits in the dining room of Katie’s own house.

have a non-stupid Saturday, everyone.

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do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.