this week in stupid: April 27 edition

Donny flips his wig, Bannon is a pig, and so much more ...

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at some of the highlights.

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monday: new Biden scandal drops

Monday was the beginning of a historic week in America. opening statements in the first criminal trial of a former president, followed by David Pecker on the witness stand. a few later, Supreme Court oral arguments on Trump’s unique assertion that laws are bullshit.

so what did Fox News decide to cover?

this: how much Dear Leader would fucking crush it in a hot dog eating contest.

ok, we’ll concede this one. it’s no contest — we’re sure that Jabba the Trump would have already jammed about two dozen dogs into his unpleasant anus-mouth before Sleepy Brandon could even finish spreading the Grey Poupon onto his first dog.

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tuesday: how to pick up chicks, neo-Nazi style

it’s been a while, so let’s check in on noted relationship counselor Nick Fuentes and see what he’s been up to.

“even these toughest guys — or those that pretend to be the most tough or the most masculine — they’ve got their dumb bitch wife right behind them in their ear. and we both know that guy’s never going to punch her in the face, he’s never going to kill her. there’s — it’s just like the woman knows it’s not even in the cards, not in the deck, ok? she’s gonna open up that pack of cards and it’s not in there. zero percent chance, ok? it’s never gonna happen. he’s never gonna cheat, there’s no rape, there’s no — in other words, there’s no actual male power coming from the man. like the man is not a beast. the man is not an animal. he doesn’t have power because he would never abuse whatever power that he has, and therefore he doesn’t have it. and so because the woman knows the man totally, doesn’t fear him, is completely comfortable and kind of bored with him, she doesn’t ever really respect him. and that’s when the power dynamic changes.”

holy fucking shit.

tell me you can’t get laid without telling me you can’t get laid.

wait, you don’t have to tell me, I have your wikipedia page right here in front of me.

Fuentes identifies as an incel (or “involuntary celibate”), although some of his supporters have criticized him for being a “voluntary celibate” after he admitted that he kissed a girl while he was in high school. He has described himself as the “straightest guy” and attempted to defend himself as an incel by claiming that “the only really straight heterosexual position is to be an asexual incel”, as “having sex with women is gay … What’s gayer than being like ‘I need cuddles. I need kisses … I need to spend time with a woman.’”

bro, you are as qualified to give relationship advice as Don Jr. is to give advice on moderation in recreational drug use.

also, lighten the fuck up, Francis.

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wednesday: meatbag on the rampage

Steve Bannon is what would happen if a rotting sack of maggot-infested entrails became a real boy.

“you are worthless, Jim Jordan. you are worthless, Polly Pockets Johnson. worthless.”

I have no idea what the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach did to rouse Bannon’s wrath, and I don’t care.

I’m more fascinated that this dude has decomposed to the point where he now looks like a deranged serial killer wearing Steve Bannon’s face for a mask.

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thursday: gone with the wind

so hard to be Donald Trump right now. no, I’m not talking about the stress of spending day after day as a criminal defendant in a courtroom. I’m talking about the effort it takes just to leave the house in the morning.

you have to pull on an extra-large adult diaper. you’ve got to struggle into a girdle. you’ve got to slip those lifts into your shoes. it takes about an hour to trowel bronzer onto your deteriorating face. it’s fucking exhausting!

and then — all it takes is one gust of wind to dislodge that desiccated ferret pelt you hot-glue to your skull, and show the world that under all that bullshit you pretty much look like Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi.

so sad.

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friday: whiny whiner can’t stop whining

it was a very difficult week for Sundowning Grandpa Farticus. he couldn’t convince MAGA to show up to protest. he couldn’t stay awake. he couldn’t talk back to the mean witnesses. that rat bastard Judge Merchan kept treating him like a common criminal.

and Donny had to sit there and take it — all while releasing enough fecal gas to power a moderately-sized village in China.

but the worst thing — the absolute worst! — was how they were deliberately screwing with the temperature of the courthouse, just to fuck with him.

“so we have another day of court in a freezing courthouse. it’s very cold in there. on purpose, I believe. they don’t seem to be able to get the temperature up. it shouldn’t be that complicated. we have a freezing courthouse, and that’s fine.”

Donald Trump knows more about climate control than all the … uhhh … climate controllers.

so if you’re Fox News, how do you spin the paranoid ravings of an incoherent demento?

easy peasey lemon squeezy: Dear Leader is fucking crushing it.

“I think the president, or former president, is showing that he can actually function effectively.”

in other news, up is down, blue is red, and uncontrollably shitting into an adult diaper is the apex of alpha masculinity.

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saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

have a non-stupid weekend, everyone.