this week in stupid: April 26 edition
Marge cheers it, Donny never hears it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: pope? nope.
loathsome twatwaffle Couchfuck McGee finally managed to wheedle and whine his way into a two-minute Easter meeting with Pope Francis — and the next thing you know, we had an expired pontiff on our hands.
now, I’m not saying there’s a direct cause-and-effect here. there’s no proof that JD’s loathsome twatwaffleness led to papal cardiac arrest, but— look, let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.
instead, let’s talk about how happy Francis’ death made a certain three-toed freak of nature.
what the fuck? what a vile, hateful thing to post. what did the Pope do to get Marge all riled up? did he piss in her cornflakes?
look, we all understand Marge’s well-earned antipathy for the Jews.
it’s true — my people have been fucking with Three Toes for years. why do you think it rains during her 4th of July cookout every single year?
but the lovable old Pope? he had nothing to do with it. I promise, we never let him near the lasers — and it’s not like he didn’t want to. those things are fucking cool. he never stopped asking, please, let me push the big red button.
sorry, bro. no dice.
so lighten the fuck up, Marge.
tuesday: the portrait of Dorian Fuckface
holy shit, Mad King Donny really does defile everything he touches. look at the fugly nightmare fuel that he’s chosen to hang in the White House gallery, wedged between dignified portraits of Laura Bush and the Email Lady.
I fucking swear: when I saw this in my social media feed, I immediately thought ‘this has to be photoshopped. I’m going to put this in the ‘week in stupid’ and I’m going to be the stupid one when ten thousand people tell me I’ve been duped.’
but no — the hideous fucking thing is real.
can malignant narcissism possibly get any more malignantly narcissistic?
it was bad enough when Donny tarted up the Oval Office by importing tasteless gold-plated crap from Motel-a-Lago. now he’s taken to printing out his social media profile pic —
— and forcing the White House staff to put that shit up on the walls.
no one could have predicted that the worst fucking person on the planet would have the worst fucking taste in the world.
I hope the next president — should we be lucky to even have a ‘next president’ — moves that horrendous crap down to the White House basement boiler room, where it belongs.
wednesday: go forth and multipl— never mind
America’s christofascist dipshits have been working overtime to convince the nation’s ahem white women to boom out as many ahem white babies as possible. they’re throwing everything at the wall, just to see what sticks. let’s pay them five large to get themselves knocked up. no, wait — let’s give them medals for having six or more kids. (I’m not making this up!)
but of course, no national program to get ahem white women to start fuckin’ with gusto would be complete without the distribution of ludicrous AI-generated slop.
you’ve got your godly marching orders, America’s ahem white women: get to work making sons — because apparently daughters are anathema to His Eye.
speaking of eyes, do yourself a huge favor — don’t zoom in on any of the faces.
also: what the fuck is going on behind the preggobabes? a bald eagle standing guard over a garden-gnome-sized Jesus wearing running shoes?
a brief note to whoever is responsible for this image: eagles are carrion birds. they eat dead things. is Mister Baldie here waiting for Microscopic Jesus to die, so he can chow down? is that really the message you’re intending to send to America’s fertile payload?
while we’re on the subject of horribly-rendered christofascist AI art, what prompt was input in order to come up with this abomination?
“AI, generate for me the dorkiest couple possible, and make sure the woman looks no older than twelve”?
and remember, guys: when Jesus comes to hook you up with your child bride, have your red baseball cap at the ready.
eww. these people are seriously sick.
thursday: new deep state scandal drops
oh look, Fox News found object Jesse Watters has a found object of his own. Jesse invited Michael Shellenberger onto his show to rip the cover off the latest deep state fuckery. let’s let Jesse tee it up.
“you have this new piece on Substack that the USAID and the CIA helped orchestrate Trump’s impeachment?”
I’m sorry, what? this is your big scandal? this is the best you clownfuckers can come up with?
why would the CIA get all caught up in some messy impeachment drama? I’m pretty fucking sure that the CIA has much more ahem colorful ways of removing leaders from power. just ask Ted Cruz’ father, am I right?
and USAID? they’re too busy making sure that sub-Saharan babies don’t die of malnutrition. at least they were, until the Space Nazi zeroed out their budget and sent them packing.
listen up, idiots: I get that because the do-gooders at USAID are the new devils, you dummies have to gin-up a reason for MAGA to hate them. but impeachment?
come on, you nitwits. even you can do fucking better.
friday: ‘who killed what?’
Mad King Donny has this new thing where — looking like he just woke up — he holds court in the badly-lit galley of Air Force One, and takes questions from reporters and vomits out the most ignorant shit imaginable. seriously, it’s frightening just how out of touch this befuddled old fool is.
reporter: “there was a car bomb in Moscow this morning that killed a Russian general. do you have any reaction to that?”
Donny: “who killed what?”
Reporter: “a Russian general killed by a car bomb.”
Donny: “well, you’re just telling me that for the first time. where did this take place?”
Reporter: “it took place in Moscow. it was a Russian general.”
Donny: “that’s hitting close to home, right? that’s a big one. I’ll look at it. if I hear anything, I’ll let you know.”
yeah, you do that. you look into it, you syphilitic homunculus, and get back to us.
how does Donny not know that a top Russian general got all blown the fuck up right in the middle of Moscow? that’s major news. it was on all the cable channels. even Fox. remember a few weeks ago when Donny was asked to comment on four US soldiers killed in Lithuania, and he was all huh what?
doesn’t every president generally have one of these guys, to tell him when major shit goes down?
have Donny’s staffers just given up on trying to keep him informed? is he just too far lost in an ever-thickening haze of dementia?
who the fuck is running America right now? is it Stephen Miller?
by the way: as I type this, Donny is already on a plane back from Pope Francis’ funeral. he got the fuck out of there the second it was over. guess how he’s going to spend the rest of the weekend: golfing at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery.
lazy asshole.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I like to think I’m engaged. I like to think I’m hipped to reality and ready for the moment. And yet with this piece you managed to bring things to my attention that I had no idea existed. That artwork!!! Holy fuckity endtimes, Batman!!!!!!!
"the portrait of Dorian Fuckface" LOLOLOLOL!!!!! Jeff, you are a national fucking treasure.