this week in stupid: April 12 edition
Jesse prevents it, zealots lament it, and so much more...
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: Fox News will make you an idiot?
Fox News found object Jesse Watters has a warning for America’s men.
Jesse Watters: “when you sit behind a screen all day, it makes you a woman. studies have shown this. if you’re building robots, you’re around other guys. you’re not around HR ladies and lawyers and it gives you estrogen.”
Jeanine Pirro: “what do yo do? you sit behind a screen.”
pro tip: when America’s tipsiest fake TV judge calls you out on your bullshit, you’ve really gone off the rails.
but forget about Judge Boxwine for a minute. here’s Jesse’s premise: office jobs are trans as fuck. you spend so much time staring at a screen and working alongside women, and the next thing you know, you’re out shopping for lingerie.
Dear Leader’s tariffs, however, are going to save you from that. Donny’s gonna bring so much manufacturing to America, factory jobs will be the only occupation available to men. that, and gibbering like a fucking idiot on Fox News. oh wait — sorry pal, there are no openings at Fox, Jesse’s got the ‘fucking idiot’ gig sewn up for life.
just look at these early-20th-century manly dudes with their wrenches and shit. you can smell the testosterone from here, can’t you?
oh wait, these are women. now I’m really confused.
someone ought to warn the Space Nazi about this screen business, though. he spends hours a day staring at a screen, playing video games and listening to commenters tell him that everyone hates him and he will die alone.
two screens, bro? come on, you’re going to transition twice as fast.
tuesday: I … can’t even
screens aren’t the only thing robbing America’s manliest men of their manly manliness. know those TSA scanners you have to go through every time you fly? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but they’re turning you gay.
oh, you think I’m kidding? well, here’s Christofascist Pastor Andrew Isker to explain.
“I had to be molested at the airport to go to Florida, just to get on an airplane — because I’m not going to go through the ‘gay beam’ machine. it appears that having a guy touch you all over the place, on its face, seems worse, but you don’t really know what those things are doing to you.”
I know that this sound crazypants as shit, but you’ll never guess what: Andrew’s actually right about those gay-beam scanners.
want proof? look no further than penguins.
they’ve had to go though the scanners at Antarctica International Airport so often, we’ve ended up with a fuckload of gay penguins.
now, before you pester me with Uncle Jeff, what the fuck are you yammering about? penguins use airports?, hear me out: yeah, they do. they’re flightless birds, duh. how else are they going to get around?
but don’t worry. when Dear Leader’s tariffs on Penguin Island result in factory jobs for them, they’ll turn manly again. Jesse Watters promises.
wednesday: god controls the horizontal, god controls the vertical
not to turn ‘this week in stupid’ into ‘this week in stupid shit god-bothering zealots said,’ but sometimes you have to play the hand you’re dealt — and holy fuck, evangelicals really outdid themselves this week.
podcast host: “you mentioned God’s design and one of the things that’s really bothered me, that I’ve been fighting, is these ‘green new deal’ policies that really go against God’s design for nature, and how he created this world that we live in. can you talk— I know you’ve been very active and vocal on solar panels, and some of these alternative energy initiatives. can you talk a little bit about your position there, and the work you’re doing in DC in that front?”
Rep. Mary Miller: “I’ve been very outspoken about this. it’s a sham, the whole climate change is a sham. first of all, God controls the climate, because he controls the sun, and the sun controls the weather, primarily.”
now I can hear you out there, asking ‘if God controls the sun, wouldn’t he want me to use renewable energy?’
shut the fuck up, infidel. if God didn’t want you to drive a car with an internal combustion engine, he wouldn’t have put all those dinosaurs into the ground and commanded them to turn into oil.
thursday: blessed are the deregulators
here’s a fun thing about the Son of God that most people don’t know: he was a free-market laissez-faire capitalist. all that twaddle in the gospels about helping the poor and feeding the hungry? Jesus was talking about how people should act. governments, however, get an ethereal free pass from having to do any of that shit.
just listen to Rob McCoy, another Christofascist pastor.
“they project Jesus’s teachings to a government, and Jesus’s teachings were to the individual. so listen, there’s nothing stopping you, dear, from bringing as many illegal immigrants into your home as you like and feeding as many homeless as you like. but you’re not going to declare that Jesus is commanding the government to do that. no one’s stopping you from doing that. but don’t take the government and tell us that government is now in charge of healthcare.”
look — as bizarre as this sounds, it’s actually true. when the Old Lambslinger was doing his Sermon on the Mount, he kept winking at Pontius Pilate, who was standing off to the side, and mouthing ‘not you, bro.’
friday: Dear Leader — best president, or best president ever?
have you ever wondered what it would be like if a White House Press Secretary sidelined traditional media, and instead took only questions from MAGA “influencers” more interested in fawning over Dear Leader than doing actual journalism?
well, wonder no more.
Cara Castronuova, “reporter” for Pillowman Mike Lindell’s streaming channel: “I’ve really seen the president’s fitness plan. he actually looks healthier than ever before. healthier than he did eight years ago. I’m sure everybody in the room can agree. is he working out with Bobby Kennedy and is he eating less McDonalds?”
excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
hey, let’s check in on Dear Leader and see what effect more Bobby Brainworms and fewer Mickey D’s has had on his godlike physique.
wow. fucking amazing.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
do you have a nomination for This Week in Stupid? email me at jefftiedrich@gmail.com. thanks!
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
how awesome is the internet that when I did an image search on 'penguins with tools,' there were actually dozens to choose from
My favorite quote of the week: "I've spent the better part of my career listening to loud men talk tough to disguise their weaknesses," Maine Governor Janet Mills