this is absolutely the last fucking thing we need right now

the crazy is about to go off the charts

Jesus Fucking Christ, seriously? with all the bullshit going on right now, some idiot — apparently a registered Republican, of all things — opens fire on Donny Convict.

this morning, every establishment Democrat is denouncing political violence and wishing the best for Donny.

as for the Republicans, I wish I could say the same. but they’re not — they’re acting like a bunch of meth-tweaked monkeys right now, screaming incoherently and flinging their shit in all directions.

these grievance-babies are incapable of having a rational reaction to anything.

pretend-hillbilly J.D. Vance set down his glass of $500-a-bottle Chateau Lafite-Rothschild, picked up his phone and typed out the following paranoid fantasy.

“Today is not just some isolated incident. The central premise of the Biden campaign is that President Donald Trump is an authoritarian fascist who must be stopped at all costs. That rhetoric led directly to President Trump’s attempted assassination.”

of course, J.D. knows better than to pin the blame on Biden — he’s just being cynical as fuck, throwing red meat to the MAGA cultists while at the same time showing Dear Leader what a loyal Vice President he’ll be. maybe they won’t hang him.

Georgia’s Mike Collins — one of the most MAGAfied Republicans in the House — was a lot more blunt in his unhinged tweet.

“Joe Biden sent the orders.”

fuck straight off, Mike.

there’s only one person in the presidential race right now who has actually called for someone to take up arms against his opponent, and it isn’t Joe Biden.

this “Biden did it” hysteria is so goddamned predictable — and irresponsible. unhinged MAGA cultists have for a long time now been looking for any excuse to haul out their big fucking guns and go on an orgy of what they imagine to be “retribution” — and all these elected Republicans are only too happy to light their fuses. there’s no way that the “let’s hogtie Joe Biden” crowd isn’t going to overreact.

Richard Grenell want you to know that Donny’s so selfless that there’s nothing he won’t do for you — even take a bullet.

“Donald Trump literally took a bullet for you.”

Donny Convict, always the martyr — always selflessly putting himself in harm’s way for you. did Donny get nailed for stealing classified war plans? he did it for you. did he pay a porn actress to shut the fuck up and then get caught falsifying business records? he did it for you. did some lunatic open fire on Donny? he took a bullet — I mean, he got grazed on the ear — for you.

by the way, here’s a fun fact about Richard Grenell — he’s been acting as Donny’s “shadow secretary of state,” flying around the world and cooking up secret deals with right-wing regimes.

In recent months, he has pitched up in Guatemala, where he tried to stymie US state department pleas for a peaceful transition of power by backing right wing efforts to block the inauguration of the liberal president-elect, Bernardo Arévalo, on supposed electoral fraud grounds about a poll previously declared “free and fair” by international observers.

how is it legal for a confessed classified document thief to have his own guy flying around the world and undermining official US foreign policy?

oh right, I forgot — Donny is a Very Special Boy who gets to break all the laws he wants.

but I digress.

let’s gaze with awe at Utah Senator Mike Lee, for he has come up with the most-creative reaction to the shooting.

“We’ve got to take the political temperature down, as evidenced by what happened in Pennsylvania today. We call on President Biden to immediately order that all federal criminal charges against President Trump be dropped, and to ask the governors of New York and Georgia to do the same. Such a gesture would help heal wounds and allow all Americans to take a deep breath and reflect on how we got here. Our prayers are with the victims of the shooting, President Trump and our country.”

clearly, the only rational response to the attempt on Donny’s life is to immediately drop all prosecution of the lifelong criminal. it makes perfect sense!

bravo, Mike, you are now and forever ensconced in the Shameless Toady Hall of Fame.

House Speaker Mike Johnson went the fan-art route.

my god, have these people never actually taken a good look at their dissipated cult leader?

you know that app that Holy Mike’s son has on his phone, the one that sends an alert every time his father looks at porn? it just started shrieking at a hundred-twenty decibels.

not one Republican has called for the obvious solution.

as for the media, there’s only one thing they enjoy more than shitting on Joe Biden, and that’s enthusiastically and energetically fellating Donny Convict.

over at the New York Times, nepo-publisher AG Sulzberger and MAGA-adjacent editor Joe Kahn high-fived each other and then published this hagiographic drek.

Donny Convict, he’s such a hero — a man’s man. not like that decrepit old Sleepy Brandon would have never pumped his fist.

let’s talk about the Secret Service for a moment. it’s quite the failure of security to not notice someone who apparently had all the time in the world to climb up to the top of a nearby rooftop, raise an AR-15 and take aim at the guy they’ve sworn to protect.

well, America’s top racists have figured out the reason it happened: DEI.

because as we all know, assassination attempts never happened back when the Secret Service was all-white and male.

racists gonna racist.

as for Donny Convict himself, the guy’s going to be even more fucking insufferable now. he’s never going to shut up about this. he’s going to be yammering about it every single day for the rest of his life.

he’s going to embellish the shit out of it. it’s going to become a “sir” story. big strong Secret Service agents, their heavily-muscled arms rippling in the sunlight, rivers of tears streaming down their cheeks, said ‘sir! sir! you’ve been shot! we have to get you out of here’ but I said ‘no! no! I have to raise my fist!’ and they said ‘sir! sir! no one has ever been this brave! tell us again how you punched a shark.’

Donny’s already been claiming that Joe Biden and the Democrats are trying to “assassinate” him — and now, in his paranoid and narcissistic mind, he’s got quote-unquote “proof.” Donny is motivated by grudges, revenge and retribution. god knows what he’s going to direct his unhinged cultists to do — as always, in some oblique way, so that his apologists can claim that Donny never said for that to happen.

and you know the greedy fuck is going to try to make piles of money off of this. it’s only a matter of time before he’s selling gold-spray-painted replicas of his bloody ear.

his deranged worshipers aren’t even waiting for official assassination merch — they’ve already started creating their own.

stay sane out there, friends, because the crazy is about to go off the fucking charts.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.