Taco Donny shits the bed in Iran
bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!
friends, this post going to be a little shorter than usual — and for a happy reason. my daughter Katie is coming to spend a few days with me. her flight arrives in this morning, so as soon as I publish this post, I’ll be heading out to the airport to pick her up.
as always, thanks for hanging in there with me during this difficult time.
— jeff t.
can we talk about what a five-alarm clusterfuck-factory King Fuckface the First is?
acting first and thinking never, he blundered into an unnecessary, unprovoked and illegal war on Iran — all because his piss-drunk Secretary of Whiskey convinced him all America had to do was rain down bombs on Tehran for a few hours, and the war would be over and won in a single afternoon.
here we are, ten days later, and shit has gone completely sideways. thousands of people are dead, billions of dollars have been wasted, the price of crude oil is in the stratosphere, not a single objective has been met, and the Middle East is arguably a much less stable place than before the bombs started falling.
and now that it’s all blown right the fuck up into his big, dumb pumpkin face, Donny is doing the most Donny thing ever: he’s TACOing — chickening out, pretending he won, and declaring victory.
bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!
basically, Donny flipped the Big Skateboard of Foreign Policy™ up into his own nuts, and now has to pretend that he meant to do that.
Donny had to eat shit because it never occurred to any of these trigger-happy dumbfucks that going to war right next to the Strait of Hormuz would send the price of crude through the roof.
Republican approval numbers are in the shitter right now, and super-high gas prices are only making things worse. something had to be done, and done now. so yesterday afternoon, a panicked Donny phoned CBS News reporter Weijia Jiang and made this stunning announcement: ‘hey, guess what. I won.’
“NEW—In a phone interview, President Trump told me the war could be over soon: ‘I think the war is very complete, pretty much. They have no navy, no communications, they’ve got no Air Force.’ He added that the U.S. is ‘very far’ ahead of his initial 4-5 week estimated time frame.”
oh, really?
let’s be perfectly clear about Donny’s boast: America isn’t winning shit.
not a single goal of this fucked-up war has been met. Iran hasn’t ‘unconditionally surrendered,’ as Donny demanded they do.
there’s been no regime change. Iran’s repressive theocracy still stands. the Iranian people didn’t rise up and overthrow their government, as Donny had hallucinated they would. the Strait of Hormuz is, at this moment, still shut down.
but sure enough, after Donny’s announcement, the price of crude went from Way Too Fucking High all the way down to Still Too Fucking High.
mission accomplished! that was all Donny needed to hold a press conference and grant himself an unearned victory lap.
“we took a little excursion because we felt we had to do that to get rid of some evil. I think you’ll see it’s going to be a short-term excursion. short term. short term!”
a ‘little excursion’? fuck you, you callous piece of shit. you flushed billions of dollars down the toilet. you damned near depleted America’s stock of tomahawk missiles. you dropped a fucking bomb on a school and killed over a hundred children. that’s a war crime. you destabilized an entire region of the planet. that’s not a ‘little excursion,’ you fucking fuck.
so, is there a war or isn’t there a war? don’t ask Donny — because as always, you’re not going to get a coherent answer out of him. we’re dealing with Schrödinger’s Moron.
reporter: “you said the war is ‘very complete.’ but your defense secretary says ‘this is just the beginning.’ so which is it?”
Donny: “you could say both.”
it’s true, you could say both. especially if you’re an incoherent imbecile who just blithers whatever he imagines that people want hear.
hours after that presser, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants apparently had some second thoughts about peacemaking and TACO’d his TACO, threatening to hit Iran ‘TWENTY TIMES HARDER’ if they ‘do anything to stop the flow of oil through the Strait of Hormuz.’
Christ on a corroded catamaran, he’s such a fucking embarrassment. he’s a high-on-his-own-supply maniac. remember when presidents didn’t conduct foreign policy via crazypants posts on social media?
thank you for your attention to this matter.
here’s your zero of the day: Fox News fuckface Brian Kilmeade, who can’t understand why oil tanker captains aren’t willingly signing up for suicide missions through the Strait of Hormuz.
“if you want to diminish the Iranian threat, if you want to make sure this ends with complete Iran capitulation, show some guts and go through that Strait.”
show some guts? you first, bro.
that’s some pretty tough talk, from some dipshit in a television studio thousands of miles away from the situation. hey, Brian — during the next commercial break, how about you go pour yourself a nice cup of shut the fuck up.
and now, here’s your hero of the day: reporter Shawn McCreesh of The New York Times, who committed an Apex Journalism when he asked Dear Leader a very uncomfortable question about all those blown-to-bits Iranian schoolgirls.
McCreesh: “you just suggested that Iran somehow got its hands on a tomahawk and bombed its own elementary school on the first day of the war. but you’re the only person in your government saying this. even your defense secretary wouldn’t say that, when he was asked, standing over your shoulder, on your plane on Saturday. why are you the only person saying this?”
Donny: “because I just don’t know enough about it. I think it’s something that I was told is under investigation. but tomahawks are— are used by others, as you know. numerous other nations have tomahawks. they buy ’em from us.”
“I’m insisting something is true even though I don’t know enough about it” just might be the most honest thing Donny’s ever said, even if he’s far too demented to realize that’s what he’s saying.
but let’s do a quick fact check of Donny’s claim that ‘numerous other nations have tomahawks. they buy ’em from us.’
The only operators of Tomahawk missiles are the United States Navy, Royal Australian Navy, Royal Netherlands Navy and Royal Navy. Iran has zero Tomahawk missiles.
of course, the perfect followup question for McCreesh to have asked would have been ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
but hey, you can’t have everything.
okay, folks, I know this one’s a bit rushed, but I have to wrap this up and go collect Katie at the airport. see you tomorrow — and, as always, thanks for hanging in the with me.
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
it's a shame I had to give Donny's presser such short shrift and use only two clips, because the whole thing was wall-to-wall bugfuck nuts. oh well
Kinda glad you didn’t have to note Kegstand’s bonkers Dominionist presser this morning. It nearly made fatfuck seem coherent. It is all so very shameful. The hell we and the Netanyahu regime have unleashed upon the Iranian people… I am so deeply saddened. It’s hard to accept the wreckage we are strewing in this world.