somehow, DC Republicans are always the victims of every crime that never happened the most
what are the chances?
Washington, DC is in the middle of a very particular kind of crime wave right now. residents and visitors in our nation’s capitol are being victimized by record levels of crimes that never happened.
interestingly, of all these crimes that never happened, the ones that have never happened the most always seem to happen to Republicans.
just look at the nonstop barrage of crimes that have never happened the most to Republicans: murders, thefts, arsons, muggings, carjackings — and maybe the most dastardly crime of all: youths doing wheelies.
you read that right, folks. wheelies.
“I brought my family to DC for the Cherry Blossom festival. The first thing I saw when I exited the L’Enfant Plaza Metro was a gang of youths driving ATVs down the street, one of whom was doing a wheelie So forgive me if I doubt that crime is down.”
oh my lord, youth gangs doing wheelies. DC is out of control. this is some Mad Max level shit.
I hope that when Will Chamberlain got an eyeful of those wheelie youths, he hustled his family back down into the subway, booked it on back to the sticks and never set foot in DC again — because it’s bad luck just seeing a thing like that.
you gotta love these conservative dudes who never shut the fuck up about what tough alpha males they are — and then the second they see some kid do a wheelie, they crap their drawers and run.
check this out: podcast bro Benny Johnson has personally witnessed eleventyhundred crimes get crimed in DC.
“as a DC resident of 15 years, I lived on Capitol Hill, I witnessed so many muggings, so much theft, I lost track. I was carjacked, I had murders on my ring camera, and mass shootings, I witnessed a woman on my block get held up at gunpoint for twenty dollars, and my house was set ablaze in an arson with my infant child inside.”
holy shit, that’s a hot fuckstack of crimes. which one of them do you think never happened the most?
I have a question for you, Ben. since you were being paid six figures a year by the Kremlin to push pro-Russia propaganda on your podcast, why didn’t you just move to a better neighborhood? you certainly could have afforded it. I hear Georgetown is nice.
oh wait, I have a second question. apparently you have a bit of a making shit up and stealing other people’s work problem.
so why should we believe one word that comes out of your lying mouth? fuck off, Benny. you have no credibility.
let’s move on to another podcast bro: misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk.
Charlie had Medicare fraudster Rick Scott on his show a couple days ago, and Rick dropped quite the truth-bomb: apparently no one walks the streets of DC any more, because they’re all terrified of being crimed to death.
“DC is not safe. people don’t just walk the streets in DC and feel safe anywhere around DC. I mean, I gotta be careful in what I do. I’ve got people in my office that are very careful about where they go. So this is great when Donald Trump is doing.”
fact check: here are some folks on the streets of DC.
and here are some hanging out on the National Mall.
now, I know what you’re going to say: Uncle Jeff, those people seem to be having a good time. none of them look unsafe. is Rick Scott lying?
friends, I have just two words for you: ninja criminals.
that’s right, DC is being overrun by criminals who are so good at criming that you can’t even see them. the people in these photos are being crimed right now, and they don’t even know it. just wait until they get home and find out that they’ve been murdered and arsoned to death.
keep Republican Rep. Tim Burchett in your thoughts and prayers, folks. evidently there are so many crimes never-happening right now on the streets of DC that Tim has no choice but to barricade himself in his office 24 hours a day.
“this town is out of touch. its leadership is out of touch. you don’t want to go out on the streets at night in Washington, D.C. I live in my office at night … it’s too dad-gum dangerous, brother. it is dangerous and everybody knows it. people are being victimized.”
wow, Tim. that’s quite a dad-gum story. are you sure it’s the one you want to go with? because back in February you had quite a different tale to tell.
Rep. Tim Burchett told NOTUS that he still sleeps in his office because it helps him stay productive and get to meetings early. He was unsure that the trend would catch on with other lawmakers and offices now that Musk’s team is promoting it.
so which is it, bro? are you holed up in your office because of all of the crimity crime-crime, or is it because you love to get to those dad-gum meetings early, and also it was a good way to suck up to the dad-gum Space Nazi?
oh, and by the way, Tim — here’s a photo of you out on the dad-gum streets of DC after dark.
Tim, you wouldn’t just be lying about all these crimes that never happened the most, in order to curry favor with Dear Leader? no Republican would ever do that, would they?
I need to know one thing, Tim. when you’re back in your home state of Tennessee, do you hole up in your dad-gum house twenty-four-seven, terrified to walk out your front door? I’m asking because the dad-gum crime problem in Tennessee is way worse than DC’s.
Tim Burchett is scared of crime in DC but feels safe when he’s back in Tennessee, where the violent crime rate is 622 per 100,000 residents annually, which is 63% higher than the national average. That ranks Tennessee fifth nationally for violent crime.
dad-gum it, Tim, get your story straight.
Tom Cotton’s come up with an ingenious way to prevent his interns from being the victims of crimes that never happen the most: he makes them buddy up in teams.
“couple time a year when I do on-board briefings for my interns, I have to regrettably explain to them that it’s a dangrous city and they need to be aware of their surroundings, and probably travel with other people as well.”
you know it’s true, because Fox did a split-screen with crimes being crimed. every one of those crimes happened to one of Tom Cotton’s interns. Fox News wouldn’t lie, would they?
it’s all so stupid. every one of these fabulist fucksticks is doing performative nonsense for a deteriorating president who can no longer walk ten feet without shitting himself. Dear Leader has decreed DC to be the most-crime ridden hellhole on earth, and now every Republican is required to fall all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to see who can concoct the bullshittiest story about the scariest crime that never happened. no, wait — the scariest crime that never happened THE MOST.
we really do live in the dumbest possible timline.
now let’s hear a tale of one of the worst crimes to never happen the most.
“Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies, and the baby looked at me.”
oops, I’m sorry. how did that get in there?
here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
807 / 896
oh, and #TrumpEpsteinPedoCoverUp has been trending on Elon's Nazi bar for days now — so awesome job making it go away, Donny
Dad-gum fine piece today, JT.