shove your thoughts and prayers

we've been thinking and praying since Columbine — and it hasn't done shit.

here’s what we know so far:

a 14-year-old boy obtained a weapon of mass death, just as our founders intended, took that weapon into Apalachee High School In Winder, Georgia, just as our founders intended, opened fire on teachers and students, just as our founders intended, killing four and wounding nine, just as our founders intended, and was subsequently arrested and charged with murder, just as our founders intended.

for fuck’s sake, we couldn’t even get through the first two days of the new school year without some kid with a grudge and an AR-15 ending the life of two children and two teachers.

and — oh look! — all the worst fucking people in the world are now offering us their cheap thoughts and useless prayers.

people like this guy: Brian Kemp, the Governor of Georgia. Brian can fuck all the way off — because here’s how he answers a reporter’s question about how to make Georgia schools safer from gun violence.

“today is not the day for politics or policy … I would ask everybody to keep these victims in your thoughts and prayers.”

fine, Brian — if today is not the day to discuss policy, then when is the day? can we call your office and set up a meeting? let me guess your answer. is it how about never? is never good for you?

look, asshole: we’ve been thinking and praying ever since the Columbine massacre twenty-five years ago — and guess fucking what: it hasn’t done shit.

hey, guess what Brian’s doing in this photo.

this is Brian in 2022, signing Senate Bill 312, which allows any numb-nuts to walk into a gun store in Georgia, buy a gun, stick that gun in their pocket and gallivant around in public, armed to the teeth. no permit needed, no questions asked. just plunk your money down on the counter and stockpile your thoughts and prayers for when the inevitable happens.

let’s check in on Brian’s state of Georgia and see how they’ve been doing since the signing of SB312.

oh gee, 13 mass shootings in Georgia in the first eight months 2024. yeah, that anyone can carry a concealed weapon anywhere law is working out just aces for the citizens of the Peach Tree State.

Georgia Rep. Mike Collins can also fuck all the way off.

“Leigh Ann and I are praying for the victims, their families, and all students at Apalachee High School in Barrow County.”

that’s great, Mike — you keep praying, I’m sure it’ll work any day now.

Mike’s a real piece of shit. he’s an election-denying MAGA congressman who blamed Joe Biden when Donny Convict got his ear grazed.

hey, check out Mike’s campaign ad from when he was a candidate in 2022.

Mike spends a full minute and a half whining about how the 2020 election was stolen from Dear Leader, and then uses an AR-15 to blow away a voting machine.

gee, I wonder where the 14-year-old dipshit who shot up his school yesterday got the idea that he could solve all his problems with a gun?

Marjorie Sporktoes Greene can also fuck all the way off.

“Please join me in prayer for all the students, staff, and families at Apalachee High School in Winder, Ga.”

Marge offers prayers — but no thoughts, because you need a brain to produce thoughts.

and oh look, what a shocker — just like Mike Collins, Marge also believes that you can solve your problems by shooting the shit out of them.

Laura Loomer can join Brian, Mike and Marge in Fuckoffistan.

“Have you noticed there’s always a school shooting in a swing state or caucus state right before an election? Every election year. Like clockwork. Just making an observation.”

good lord, fifty thousand people liked that tweet. we really do live in the shittiest possible timeline.

the next time Laura Loomer goes in for botox treatments, can the technician please add her tongue, so her mouth stops working? maybe get her fingers too, for good measure, so she can’t type.

Couchfuck McGee can fuck straight off.

“Our hearts go out to everyone affected by this despicable violence just days into the new school year. We are keeping the victims, their families, and the whole community of Winder, Georgia in our prayers this evening.”

hey Couchfuck, is this you?

what the fuck are you doing, JD? what’s in the sky? are you protecting your woodpile from space aliens? is this a problem in Ohio, firewood-filching Alpha Centurions?

here’s an actual JD Vance quote:

“I think that we have to ask ourselves: What is the real gun violence problem in this country, and are we legislating in a way that solves fake problems? Or solves real problems?”

what is this gobbledygook? can anyone explain what this means? my brain hurts just trying to imagine the difference between real gun violence problems and fake ones.

Donny Convict can fuck all the way off.

someone’s going to stick a microphone in front of Donny and he’s going to blither something stupid about yesterday’s shooting. you can set your watch to it. but never forget that two days after a school shooting in Iowa last January, Donny stood up in front of a crowd of grieving Iowans and told them to get over it.

now this is just … heartbreaking.

no child should have to send these texts, and no parent should have to respond to them.

this is your heartless and sadistic Republican Party, folks. they’ll force a ten-year-old child to give birth to her stepfather’s rape-baby, but they won’t do one single goddamned thing to keep children from getting shot to death in their schoolrooms.

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now here’s a thing I wrote on March 30, 2023, the day after a school shooting in Nashville — but the date and the location don’t matter. the words below can be applied to any school shooting at any time and any place in America.

Republicans don't give a fuck about children

Republicans were so busy protecting children from learning that Rosa Parks was black that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from seeing that Michelangelo’s David has a penis that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from finding out that men can love men and women can love women that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from being read to by grownups wearing costumes that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from eating a subsidized school lunch that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from reading that Roberto Clemente experienced discrimination that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from discovering why Anne Frank had to hide that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from knowing how their own bodies work that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

Republicans were so busy protecting children from having access to healthcare that they forgot to protect them from being murdered in their classrooms.

oopsies!