secret Canadian fentanyl labs, and other fucked-up Republican fairy tales

and Donny’s going to make us all rich!

it must be awesome to be a Republican. you get to go on the Sunday shows and lie your fabulating face off. just stare into the camera and say whatever the fuck pops into your head. don’t worry about being held to account. there are no consequences to lying. aside from the occasional raised eyebrow, you’re rarely going to get any serious pushback from the hosts. they don’t want to piss you off, and lose access. the horror.

so sit right down, adjust your tie — and when the red light goes on, feel free to make up whatever crazypants shit floats your boat.

let’s all jawdrop in awe as Donny Convict’s so-called ‘economic advisor’ Kevin Hassett grabs reality by the haunches and gives it a vigorous clownfucking.

Jonthan Karl: “I am confused now about what you’re saying about this being a drug war and not a trade war. let’s just take Canada. you say Canada is shipping fentanyl into the United States. I don’t think that’s happening. one percent of fentanyl is being smuggled across the border. one percent. Canada’s not a major source at all of fentanyl.”

Kevin Hassett: “yes, they are a major source, and I can tell you that in the situation room I’ve seen photographs of fentanyl labs in Canada that the law enforcement folks were leaving alone. Canada’s got a big drug problem.”

what in the fuck? Kevin’s seen photos of secret Canadian drug labs that law enforcement — and by extension, the Canadian government — are allowing to operate?

do you see what’s happening here? we’re being lied into some kind of conflict with Canada. it’s Saddam Hussein and the fictitious weapons of mass destruction all over again.

they ginned up bogus photos for that clusterfuck, too.

Kevin, you cheap, gaudy grifter, can we talk? bro, you were in the situation room? you were in the secure White House facility where the president and his national security team meet? my dude, you’re an economic advisor. what were you doing in the room where everyone sat around, watching bin Laden eat lead?

look at the people in this famous photo. there’s the President. the Vice President. the Secretary of State. the Secretary of Defense. the Director of National Intelligence. there’s even some shady fucking CIA dude known only as “John.”

you know who you don’t see in the room? any economic advisors. I’m calling bullshit on your stupid story. go peddle your cheap fairy tales to the cultists — we’re not buying any here in realityland.

but wait — Kevin’s not done with his clownfucking.

after assuring us that we’re in a drug war with Canada, and not a trade war, Hassett starts doubletalking at a mile a minute about how it’s actually both.

Karl: “if this is an effort to make them crack down, and it’s working —”

Hassett: “it’s working, yes, it’s working”

Karl: “then why these very same tariffs going back into effect on April 2nd?”

Hassett: “what’s going on with the trade war is that we’re gonna have reciprocal tariffs in April. what’s going on with the drug war is we’re—”

Karl: “so there is a trade war.”

Hassett: “in April there is gonna be a reciprocal tariff.”

here’s a question: why does Hassett look so goldang happy about this coming trade war, or ‘refuckingciprocal tariffs’ or whatever he wants to call it? look at the big shit-eating grin on his face as he babbles away.

I’m not generally a conspiracy guy, but — suppose you were, say, the corrupt president of a country, and you wanted to make a killing in the stock market. here’s a way you could do it.

— announce a bunch of tariffs, and watch the stock market tank
— you and your cronies buy up a bunch of now-cheap stocks
— announce the tariffs are off, and watch the stock market rise
— you and your cronies sell off the stocks you bought cheaply and reap enormous profits

is this what’s actually going on? who the fuck knows for sure — but I wouldn’t put anything past these goniffs.

but wait, the Sunday Republicans aren’t finished gaslighting us.

over to you, Rick Scott.

Jake Tapper: “how can you look at experts in nuclear weapons being fired, then rehired, and think, ‘oh, this process is working exactly as it should be’?”

Rick Scott: “I’m a business guy. you do the best you can every day. what they’re trying to do is rein in government. are they gonna be perfect? no.”

this is now the official Republican line: don’t worry about the Space Nazi’s indiscriminate meat-axing of the civil service. nobody’s perfect. shit happens, whatcha gonna do? Elon’s a super-genius, I’m sure he’ll figure it out.

weird how government functioned smoothly, until the guy who makes rockets that blow the fuck up got involved. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

but let me tell you something about “business guy” Senator Scott here. you want to talk about waste and fraud? in 2003, when Rick Scott was the CEO of Columbia/HCA, they perpetrated one of the biggest Medicare frauds in the history of the multiverse. Columbia/HCA was fined 1.7 BILLION DOLLARS for their scammery, and Scott was forced to resign as CEO.

how Scott ended up in government, and not behind bars, is a mystery to me — and nobody should be asking this fraudster for his opinion on rooting out fraud. while we’re at it, let’s ask the fox about henhouse security.

now, say what you want about Dear Leader, but at least he’s saving our precious pluberry farmers from ruin.

“Mexico right now, is dumping in our state. it’s hurting our tomato growers, our pluberry growers…”

now let’s check in on Donny Convict, heading home after a grueling weekend of golf down at Motel-a-Lago.

“we’re going to become so rich, you’re not gonna know where to spend all that money. I’m telling you. you just watch.”

who is we, fuckface? who is going to be rich? because I’m pretty sure that we haven’t seen a single policy out of Donny yet that would benefit the average American. all we see are massive cuts to government programs in order to pay for the obscene tax cuts that will make the morbidly wealthy grow ever-wealthier.

so tell me one more time: exactly who the fuck is going to be rich, aside from Donny and the Space Nazi and all their plutocrat cronies?

oh, and get a load of this: “I’m going to make you rich” is also Donny’s latest sales pitch to Greenland — let me take over your country. it’ll be amazing. you’re going to be drowning in wealth.

“As I made clear during my Joint Address to Congress, the United States strongly supports the people of Greenland’s right to determine their own future. We will continue to KEEP YOU SAFE, as we have since World War II. We are ready to INVEST BILLIONS OF DOLLARS to create new jobs and MAKE YOU RICH — And, if you so choose, we welcome you to be a part of the Greatest Nation anywhere in the World, the United States of America!”

now, where have we all heard “I will make you rich” from Donny before?

oh, right. “I will make you rich” was the exact line of bullshit he spewed to hoodwink the rubes into attending his fake university — the one that got sued out of existence for being a scam.

In newspaper advertisements for the now-defunct Trump University, Donald Trump promised potential customers that if they attended his workshop on profiting from foreclosures, they could be a millionaire in a year’s time.

that’s all we ever get from this cheesy carnival-barking huckster — I will make you rich.

it’s what he promised investors to all the casinos that went tits-up. it’s what he assured the bankers who lost their shirts after loaning him money. it’s what he told the rubes who shelled out thousands of dollars to attend worthless classes at his scam university. and now it’s what Donny’s telling us — and Greenland.

“I will make you rich.”

yeah, right. fuck straight off with that snake oil, Donny.

one last thing: let’s look at the tagline at the bottom of all of Donny’s ads.

“BUY LOW, SELL HIGH, WALK AWAY RICH”

kind of like how you’d run a trade war, right?

---

here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

---

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.