SCOTUS upheld birthright citizenship and MAGA lost its fucking mind

boo hoo hoo, crybabies

yesterday, in the final decision of their current session, the Supreme Court of the United States told Dear Leader to stick his unconstitutional executive order banning birthright citizenship where the sun don’t shine, and reaffirmed that the 14th Amendment does in fact guarantee that if you’re born in the US, you’re a citizen of the US.

immediately following the decision, the Worst Fucking People in the World started pissing and moaning and wetting themselves about how unfair it was to have to respect the Constitution — so much so that we’re in grave danger of depleting our nation’s National Strategic Reserve of Binkies.

let’s be clear-eyed about this, though. the Supreme Court barely did us a favor here, by upholding birthright citizenship.

the vote was 6-3. that’s disgraceful, that three Justices were all super horny to rewrite the Constitution, and make shit up on the spot.

voting in favor of ignoring the clear language of the 14th Amendment — all persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States — were Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and Neil Gorsuch, because of course they voted against it. Luxury Vacation Clarence and Fishin’ Trip Sammy vote whichever way their Federalist Society benefactors tell them to, and Nihilist Neil hates the idea of government and just wants to watch everything burn.

Blackout Brett Kavanaugh was particularly weasely, voting with the majority to uphold, but writing in his own opinion that he was totally down with idea of shitcanning birthright citizenship, he just thought it was Donny’s executive order that was unconstitutional.

the vote should have been 9-0. no, let’s go further — SCOTUS should have never even taken up the case at all. they should have refused to hear it, because what part of ‘all persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States’ do you really need explained to you?

but welcome to our current corrupt and bought-off Supreme Court, eternally willing to bend over backwards to accommodate the racist whims of a demented mad king wanna-be who’s really fucking dumb — just as our founders intended.

credit: Jesse Duquette

by the way, if Blackout Brett shows up at your door this summer, trying to get you to buy a box of SCOTUS Scout cookies, it’s okay slam the door in his face.

anyhoo, let’s survey some of the caterwauling going on in the MAGAverse today.

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six-time international lap hockey champion Handy Oakley knows exactly how to deal with the scourge of having to respect the Constitution — she wants a Bun In The Oven Exclusion to the visa process.

“The State Department should IMMEDIATELY cease to give out visas to pregnant applicants. Sorry, Birth Tourism cannot continue.”

what Boebert is actually proposing is that there should be a question on the visa application asking, ‘so, are you preggers, or what?’ — okay, that’s all well and good, but then what? wouldn’t you also need some kind of investigation/enforcement mechanism to make sure the I’m-not-a-mommy-to-be isn’t fibbing?

sure, that doesn’t sound like a logistical nightmare at all.

I think Handy Oakley needs a binkie, don’t you?

so, is ‘birth tourism’ really such a ginormous problem here in America that we need to inflict a new layer of bureaucracy onto the visa process?

I wanted to know — and so I did the only thing a Responsible Journalist and Everything™ like me can do. I asked Google’s janky six-finger plagiarism robot ‘how much birth tourism is there in the United States,’ and here’s what it told me.

The exact volume of birth tourism in the United States is highly disputed because the government does not track these figures directly. Estimates vary wildly, ranging from a low of 2,000 to a high of roughly 30,000–39,000 births annually. [1, 2]

Even at the highest estimates, birth tourists account for an infinitesimal fraction—less than 1%—of the over 3.6 million annual births in the U.S.

got that? comparatively speaking, the number of skeevy foreigners coming into this country with the specific purpose of dropping a new citizen is a rounding error away from zero.

in other words, ‘birth tourism’ is only a problem if you’re a racist fuckhead.

oh, and speaking of ‘racist fuckhead,’ did you know if you say that three times, Stephen Miller appears on your TV?

don’t believe me? watch this: racist fuckhead racist fuckhead racist fuckhead.

Stephen Miller: “but if you have birthright citizenship, it means if a person comes here nine months pregnant to go look around at some things, in a couple of weeks, that is the mother of a lifetime American citizen, and a direct line into American cash and welfare for the rest of that child’s life.”

Jesse Watters: “are we banning pregnant women from America?”

Miller: “what I’m saying is that you have to now think very carefully about who you let into your country, even on a temporary basis ... there’s a lot of things we have to take a hard look at.”

imagine getting this worked up over what I just explained is basically an imaginary problem. you have to love that when Nosferatu McGoebbels talks about immigration, he starts excitedly shrieking in a pitch so high that you can’t tell if he’s speaking English, or if he’s trying to help bats to echolocate.

eat binkie, racist fuckhead.

now here’s a perfectly rational and not-at-all batshit unhinged response to the SCOTUS ruling.

3) Deny entry to all pregnant foreigners.

4) Deny entry to all female foreigners.

5) Require sterilization of all foreign visitors prior to entry.

Sean M. Davis, according to his bio on Elon’s Nazi Bar and Child Porn Emporium, is ‘CEO and Co-Founder of the Federalist’ and ‘Winner of the 2025 Dao Prize for Excellence in Investigative Journalism.’

so there you have it, folks, ‘forced sterilization of furriners’ is what passes for thought leadership in the modern conservative movement.

do we have any binkies left for Sean? yes we do. have at it, bro.

here’s noted Constitutional lawyer Megyn Kelly, who you will recall once brilliantly argued the case of Me vs This Black Santa I Saw At A Mall.

The 14th Amd was never intended to allow any non-citizen to confer citizenship on her child (& thereby skip the line) by delivering the baby here. This Court majority - esp the squish conservatives - all too afraid of being called “racist” to find accordingly.

sorry. Megyn, that’s weak. you don’t even get a binkie.

let’s give it instead to this complete rando on Threads.

“People who support automatic birthright citizenship need to answer a simple question. Are you also okay with birthright home ownership? If someone walks into your house without permission, gives birth in your living room, would you say that child now has rights to your home?”

welcome to the childlike thought process of MAGA’s rank and file. there are hundreds of variations of this post going around on social media right now — all of them parroting the dumbfuck argument that ‘oh yeah? you love birthright citizenship now, but what if it happened in your living room? booyah, leftist — you’re so owned.’

seriously, what if an immigrant gave birth on my patio? does that mean I have to bring it a gin and tonic every day at 5 pm?

if someone gave birth in my living room, I’d be more concerned with how to get the stain out of my couch.

it must be nice for MAGA to have nothing at all going on upstairs, and never having to worry about silly little things like logic and reasoning and making sense.

speaking of which, we should probably check in on Dear Leader and see how he’s coping with the news.

“I would like to congratulate President Xi, and the Great Country of China, on their massive Birthright Citizenship WIN! President DONALD J. TRUMP”

I’m sorry, what? is it China who’s benefiting from the nonexistent problem of birth tourism?

let’s cut Dear Leader some slack. he can barely point to the drawing of the camel these days. asking him for coherence is at this point a bridge too far.

let’s just give him a binkie while we wait for the attendant to change his diaper.

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but I can hear you all out there, saying ‘but Uncle Jeff — enough about birthright citizenship. tell us what we really want to know: is Fox News still trying to pretend that Donny’s Big Vacant Shitpile on the Mall anything but a tumbleweed-strewn hellscape?’

the answer is yes — yes, they are.

“I’m Sandra Smith and this is America Reports, back live with you again from the Great American State Fair!”

to be honest, Ms. Smith deserves an Emmy for the enthusiasm with which she belts out ‘Great American State Fair!’ as she gestures towards the vast nothingness.

but wait, here’s the saddest part, from 11am yesterday morning. I don’t know who this band is, but they’re really fucking good and they really deserve an audience. unfortunately, they don’t have one.

oh my god, that’s so embarrassing. there are more people in the band than there are in the audience.

I really feel sorry for the performers. they deserve so much better. fuck you, Donny, for putting them through this.

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hey — it’s time for our Daily Claudia.

here’s Ms Spouse in the living room of the vacation house she found for us in Bodega Bay, CA, on June 2, 2024. as I’ve said before, finding these amazing places was her superpower.

and here she is at the Crabtree Kittle House in Chappaqua, NY, on September 18, 2024, very patiently having her photo taken for the four millionth time.

have a great Wednesday, everyone. remember to give birth before you come to the United States, not after.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.