Republicans can’t stop saying stupid shit on the Sunday shows

happy Gulf of America day, everyone!

if you’re a connoisseur of dumb-ass shit, you can’t go wrong watching Republicans being interviewed.

sit any of these incoherent halfwits down and ask them to defend Donny’s recent actions. you’re not going to get the Gettysburg Address in response. in fact, you may end up asking yourself, am I watching a show called Severe Head Trauma Theater?

today’s case study: Kristi Noem.

here’s a cool, super-legal thing that’s been going on. Donny’s storm troopers have been rounding up migrants, herding them onto military planes, and flying them into Gitmo in the dead of night. hey — does that sound like a violation of due process to you?

let’s ask our new Homeland Security Director, who, when not aerating recalcitrant puppies, apparently doubles as an authority on constitutional law.

“that’s just bull. I just wish they would grow up and really recognize what we’re doing here. of course we’re giving due process to migrants ... I watched a planeload of people unload at Gitmo that were pedophiles.”

you watched a planeload of … pedophiles? okay, how did you know that? who determined their guilt? did they have a lawyer? were they in a courtroom, presided over by a judge? did they appear before a jury? because that’s what due fucking process is, you ninny. not herding them onto planes and sending them to fuckity-bye-bye land, never to be heard from again.

by the way, late last night, a judge was all oh hell no, haven’t you assholes ever read the Constitution? and put a hold on this bullshit.

The decision from Judge Kenneth Gonzales of the U.S. District Court for the District of New Mexico came in response to a request for a temporary restraining order filed by the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR) and other advocacy organizations on behalf of three Venezuelan men currently being held in U.S. immigration detention in New Mexico.

but Kristi Noem wasn’t done tormenting us. after her Fox segment was over, she showed up on CNN.

hey, I’ll bet Kristi has something to say about unelected President Space Nazi setting his teenage DOGE incels loose to steal all our personal data — and I’ll bet it’s super fucking incoherent.

oh look, I’m right.

Dana Bash: “I remember a time when Republicans were very careful about the government having access to personal data.”
Noem: “well, we can’t trust the government anymore.”
Bash: “you are the government.”
Noem: “yes, that’s what I’m saying.”

hello, what did she just say? that we can’t trust her? Noem goes on to explain that it’s ok for the Space Nazi to root around in all your personal shit, because Dear Leader says it’s ok.

hmm, why don’t I feel reassured by that? what exactly is Kristi’s point? no, you can’t trust the government. but also yes, you can. look, just trust us that you can trust us.

words — how the fuck do they work?

here’s Donny Convict holding court on Air Force One.

reporter: “why do you want to be chairman of Kennedy Center board?”

Donny: “because I want to make sure it runs properly. we don’t need woke at the Kennedy Center. we don’t need— some of the shows were terrible. they were a disgrace, if they were even put on.”

reporter: “have you seen any shows there?”

Trump: “no, I didn’t go.”

of course Donny didn’t actually go to any performances. he has the attention span of a coked-up squirrel. could you imagine him sitting still in a seat for two hours while other people talk on a stage? that shit won’t fly. Donny’s got to be the center of attention at all times. the only time Donny’s going be in the same room with a stage is if he’s the one on it.

anyway, Donny doesn’t need to actually see any of these woke performances to know that they suck all ass. Donny already knows what knows.

back to Fox News, where Bret Baier met up with Dear Leader at Motel-a-Lago.

Baier: “have you thought about how to try to bring the country together?”

Donny: “I’d love to do it. but I would say this. we have to come together, there’s only one thing that’s going to do it. that’s massive success. success will bring the country together. but it’s hard. and I say it’s hard, I just signed a bill allowing for women not to have to be punished by men in sports. in other words, men are not going to be allowed to play in sports against women.”

what kind of dressing would you like on your word salad? was Bret Baier trolling Donny by asking him if he had a plan to unite the country?

speaking of Donny’s promise of massive success, here’s your daily dose of Fuck Around and Find Out.

oh gee, look at that. it turns out that incoherent and erratic policies, coupled with pointless trade wars, is bad for the bottom line. I guess none of these captains of industry saw it coming, huh?

if only there were some sort of historical record. if only there were some cautionary tale from the past about what happens when plutocrats back an unstable dictator.

He was among the richest men in the world. He made his first fortune in heavy industry. He made his second as a media mogul. And in January 1933, in exchange for a political favor, Alfred Hugenberg provided the electoral capital that made possible Adolf Hitler’s appointment as chancellor. Before Hugenberg sealed his pact with Hitler, a close associate had warned Hugenberg that this was a deal he would come to regret: “One night you will find yourself running through the ministry gardens in your underwear trying to escape arrest.”

history, does it ever repeat itself?

After cantankerous negotiation, a deal was reached: Hugenberg would deliver Hitler the chancellorship, in exchange for Hugenberg being given a cabinet post as head of a Superministerium that subsumed the ministries of economics, agriculture, and nutrition. Once in the cabinet, Hugenberg didn’t hesitate to meddle in foreign relations when it suited him.

so, Hitler gave a government post to one of the wealthiest men in the world, and let him run wild. does that sound familiar to you?

As self-proclaimed “economic dictator,” Hugenberg kept pace with Hitler in outraging political opponents and much of the public. He purged ministries. He dismantled workers’ rights. He lowered the wages of his own employees by 10 percent.

oh sure, anyone can fuck with a nation’s economy. but did Hugenberg also have rockets and cars that randomly blew up? boo-yah, Hugenberg — the Space Nazi wins again.

let’s skip to the end, because I’m sure everything turned out just swimmingly for good old Al Hugenberg, right?

On September 28, 1946, Hugenberg was arrested by the British military police. He was detained for five months, and his assets were frozen.

the historical records fails to inform us if Hugenberg was running through the ministry gardens in his underwear when he was arrested.

now, here comes my favorite part:

Having been stripped of most of his business empire, Hugenberg saw himself as a victim of, not a participant in, the Nazi regime.

wait — are you telling me that the Nazis were into portraying themselves as the real victims? can’t Donny come up with one new thing on his own? must everything be copped from the Nazis?

oh wait, Donny did come up with one original concept — because I’m pretty sure that Hitler never renamed the Baltic Sea to the Gulf of Adolf.

that’s right, yesterday wasn’t just Super Bowl Sunday — it was also Gulf of America Day.

Donny is really off his game. the dilapidated old fuck can’t even pull off an imaginary day for an imaginary body of water any more. where were the parades? the speeches? are you telling me that Donny couldn’t put together a Miss Gulf of America Pageant? Donny used to love that shit — bursting into dressing rooms and creeping out half-naked teenage contestants.

come on, Donny — you used to be really good at these dog-and-pony shows. it’s the only part of presidenting that you truly love. stop ceding control of the government to humorless fuckbags like Nosferatu McGoebbels and the Space Nazi, and make pointless spectacles great again.

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practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

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