Peter Navarro is having a shitty time in prison. boo fucking hoo

if only there had been some way Sad Pete could have prevented this

pour one out for Peter Navarro, the poster boy for the mediocre entitled white male dipshit.

Pete’s having the saddest of sads right now, because he’s currently in prison, and guess what: prison fucking suuuuuuuuucks.

it’s only been 16 days, but already Pete’s been whining to all who will listen. the food sucks. the cell sucks. the guards suck. all the other inmates suck. the lack of privacy sucks. waking up at 4am sucks. having no control over your life sucks. it’s not fair!

oh, boo fucking hoo. here’s your binky, dumb-ass.

Big Sad Pete’s gone running to the Supreme Court and he’s asking his pal Neil Gorsuch to issue him a Get-Out-Of-Contempt-Of-Congress-Free Card, pronto.

Tuesday’s petition for reconsideration was submitted by Navarro’s lawyers, Stan M. Brand and Stanley E. Woodward, Jr., stating: “Dr. Peter K. Navarro self-surrendered to the custody of the Bureau of Prisons on March 19, 2024 and has now served fifteen (15) days of his four (4) month sentence. Of note, on March 26, 2024, the D.C. Circuit set a briefing schedule in his appeal, providing that briefing will not be concluded until July 19, 2024, after he is scheduled to have served the entirety of his prison sentence. Accordingly, we respectfully request your reconsideration of the Chief Justice’s denial.”

isn’t that nice? Dr. Peter K. Navarro wants you to know that just because he showed up for prison on time and was a very good boy for fifteen days, he should get a participation trophy, a pat on the head, and be sent merrily on his way.

how nice for Pete to have his own personal Supreme Court Justice to go running to. don’t you wish you had your own Justice to beg for favors when shit goes sideways?

you know who could have used their own personal Justice? Kalief Browder. Kalief was a teenager when he was denied bail and spent three years in Rikers, waiting for a trial that never happened.

three years, Pete — and you’re whining about fifteen days.

if only there had been some way for Sad Pete to have avoided prison in the first place.

oh wait, there was.

Pete, this is all your own fault. all you had to do was answer your Congressional subpoena and show up at Congress on the day you were supposed to.

what, you thought the whole thing was bullshit and beneath you? you didn’t want to answer any of their stupid questions? no problem. we have this thing called the Fifth Amendment.

you remember the Fifth, don’t you Pete? it’s that thing that Dear Leader invoked 450 times when he didn’t want to confess to a lifetime of business fraud. hell, even Dear Leader’s library-paste-eating failson Eric invoked the Fifth — over 500 times.

how easy it would have been to have just shown up and done your duty. “hi, I’m Entitled Dipshit Pete Navarro, and I’m invoking the Fifth Amendment” — and boom, you’re outta there. home free — and right now, instead of undergoing some humiliating cell check, you could be on Steve Bannon’s podcast, whining about deep state this and witch hunt that while sipping two-hundred-dollar-a-bottle Scotch.

but no, you’re Dr. Peter K. Navarro. no one tells you what to do. you’re smarter than everyone — and ever better, you’re white and male. you’re the Golden Boy. puny little things like laws don’t apply to you. so you blew off your subpoena, told Congress to go fuck itself, and figured you could finesse your way out of whatever happened next.

so how’d that work out for you, Petey?

hey, do you have a prison nickname yet?

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hey — speaking of entitled white male dipshits, Little Donny Fuckface got slapped down by Judge Merchan again.

Donny’s fog of dementia has apparently thickened to the point where he’s now under the delusion that he has presidential immunity for everything he’s ever done in his entire life — including paying off Stormy Daniels so she would shut up and not go running to the press about Donny’s freakishly undersized weenie — which is definitely a thing that happened before he was president. so he asked the judge to delay his Big Hush Money Election Interference Fuckery Trial until — you guessed it — how about never.

Merchan quickly responded with a writ of shut the fuck up, Donald.

The judge presiding over Donald Trump’s falsifying business records case shot down his bid to use presidential immunity as part of his defense, finding the former president waited too long to raise the issue.

In his ruling Wednesday, Judge Juan Merchan also denied Trump’s motion to delay the trial’s start date until the U.S. Supreme Court rules on his immunity claims in the federal election interference case in Washington, D.C.

see you in court on April 15th, bro.

my favorite thing about New York judges is how — unlike, for example, Judge Fangirl down in Florida — they have no fucking patience for any of Donny’s antics. we New Yorkers have had Trump in our faces since the 1980s, and we’re so over this guy.

honestly, we’re all just waiting for the day when at long last it’s Trump’s turn to whine about how much prison fucking sucks.

folks, a word on a different subject before I let you go: we’re doing some quarterly fundraising at my other venture, The Smirking Chimp. I’m leery of even mentioning it because if you’re one of the people paying to support my own writing here, you’re already doing god’s work and you’re already doing more than enough to help out. but if you’ve got five dollars that you absolutely wouldn’t miss and you do feel like supporting the Chimp, well, that just makes you twice the hero. the donation link is here, or you can go straight to paypal if you need no further convincing. and if you don’t care to donate, that’s totally cool, too, and we will not speak of this again. in fact, we never had this conversation. thanks for listening and that’s it from me for now.