onward fuckbrained moron, golfing off to war

scenes from a clownshoes clusterfuck

hey, friends — I’m going to try to keep this post short. today’s my birthday. I only mention this because it’s my first since Claudia’s passing, and so I’m going to gift myself a sort of semi-mental health day. but please don’t worry too much about me, folks. some very good friends will be taking me out to dinner later, and I’m very thankful for their attention to this matter.
— jeff t

for those of you keeping score at home: in just two weeks, Little Donny Fuckface has managed to destabilize the entire Middle East, create an international crisis, horrify our allies, turn America into a pariah state, bomb a school and kill well over a hundred children, get a dozen of our own service members killed, strand tens of thousands of Americans with no way to get home, close down the Strait of Hormuz, and cause the price of crude oil to skyrocket.

so, what did the deteriorating old gobshite do yesterday for an encore? he spent the day golfing — because of course he did.

but don’t worry, folks. Donny well understood the solemnity of the situation, and showed proper respect for our fallen service members by wearing his special funeral cap.

once again, we must give kudos to Donny’s embalmer, for making him look almost lifelike.

do you think it might ever occur to Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants to lay off the golf, just for one weekend, while Americans are dying in an unprovoked, unnecessary and illegal war?

no — absolutely not. Donny is a selfish prick, has been a selfish prick for 79 years, and selfish prickitude (that’s the actual medical term for it) doesn’t magically cure itself overnight.

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while Dear Leader was hard at work cheating at his favorite pastime, his flunkies were fanning out all over the Sunday shows, spreading the good news: now that we’ve warred the shit out of Iran, everything is coming up roses.

United Nations Ambassador Mike Waltz: “this has been a dominant victory the likes of which we haven’t seen in modern American military history.”

did you catch that? apparently, it’s not enough that all the president’s yes-men have to wear the ill-fitting shithole shoes that Dear Leader bought them. they also have to parrot his childish maximalist language as well. it can’t just be a victory — no, it has to be ‘a victory the likes of which we’ve never seen, a victory like no one thought possible, maybe the greatest victory of all time.’

oh, do fuck off.

oh, and free clue for Mike Waltz: it’s not a victory if you haven’t actually fucking won anything.

if we’ve won such a ‘dominant’ victory, why are we still over there? why are we still bombing shit? why is the price of crude in the stratosphere? why is Dear Leader still begging our allies to save our asses in the Strait of Hormuz?

pro tip: that’s not what victory looks like. that’s what a clownshoes clusterfuck looks like.

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now get ready for yesterday’s Crowning Moment of Dumbfuck.

Meet the Press host Kristen Welker: “very quickly, Mr. Secretary, there’s a big debate over whether you all were prepared for what’s happening in the Strait of Hormuz. if you were prepared, why is the Strait of Hormuz effectively closed right now?”

Energy Secretary Chris Wright: “because it's right near the Iranian shoreline.”

OH? IS THAT WHY THE STRAIT IS CLOSED DOWN? BECAUSE IT’S NEAR THE IRANIAN SHORELINE? DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT ALL BY YOURSELF, SHERLOCK?

I’m so fucking tired of being governed over by morons. it’s exhausting. enough already.

THOSE WILY FUCKING IRANIANS, PUTTING THEIR COUNTY RIGHT NEXT TO THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ. WILL THEIR PERFIDY NEVER END?

did not one of Donny’s flunkies bother to look at a map before blundering into a situation which everyone with a brain saw coming a mile away?

here’s another pro tip: ‘drop bombs first and think never’ is no way to conduct a don’t-call-if-a-war.

I swear, I’m running out of ways to describe how clownfuckingly stupid this all is — but I have to keep trying, because every day, another one of Donny’s merry band of morons pipes up with a new variation on ‘gee, no one could have predicted that any of this could have happened.’

WE ALL PREDICTED THIS, YOU SHIT-KAZOOS.

and oh look, it’s only taken one day for Preznit Fuckwit to go from begging our allies to pretty-please help to threatening our allies if they don’t help.

“If there’s no response or if it’s a negative response I think it will be very bad for the future of NATO.”

oh, goody. let’s throw another international crisis onto Donny’s Shitpile of Disastrous Decisions. let’s see — we’ve got Iran, Venezuela, Cuba, Greenland, Canada, and now NATO. did I leave anything out?

why doesn’t Donny just skip to the end and declare war on every nation on Earth? you know he’s going to get there eventually. doing it all at once would certainly save time.

I’m pretty sure that if this keeps up, Four Seasons Total Landscaping is going to demand to have their Peace Prize back.

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now let’s check in on Newt Gingrich, and see if his 82-year-long streak of being an unserious buffoon remains unbroken.

yup, there it is.

“Instead of fighting over a 21-mile-wide bottleneck forever, we cut a new channel through friendly territory. A dozen thermonuclear detonations and you’ve got a waterway wider than the Panama Canal, deeper than the Suez, and safe from Iranian attacks.”

this is an impressive post, because Newt is actually being two kinds of dumbfuck at once. first of all, the idea of dropping a multiple nukes in the vicinity of a dozen heavily-populated countries is beyond idiotic, and only a fool would seriously suggest it.

but second — and more importantly — Newtie fell for a joke. the post at chinatalk.media that he’s quoting from is satire. the stupid shit obviously didn’t read all the way down to the bottom of that post, else he would have seen its final line:

oh, ‘anyone with brain cells.’ never mind, that lets Newtie off the hook.

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and now, here are your heroes of the day: Oscars presenter Jimmy Kimmel and host Conan O’Brien.

here’s Kimmel, still gleefully poking his thumb into the eyes of his corporate overlords.

“we hear a lot about courage at shows like this, but telling a story that could get you killed for telling it is real courage. as you know, there are some countries whose leaders don't support free speech. I’m not at liberty to say which. let’s just leave it at North Korea and CBS.”

but let’s give the final word to Conan. he’s cooked up a brilliant idea whose time has come.

“we’re coming to you live from the Has A Small Penis Theater. let’s see him put his name in front of that.”

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okay friends, that’s it for me today — and goddammit, I ended up writing a full-length post. I certainly didn’t intend to when I sat down at the keyboard three hours ago. oh well, c’est la vie. have a good Monday, and I’ll see you all tomorrow.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.