oh noes! Preznit Fuckwit got escalatored to smithereens!

another day, another batshit speech from the whiniest diaper-baby ever

America’s Mad King addressed the United Nations yesterday. how did it go? how do you think it went? it was a typical Donny speech. as always, he was a fucking embarrassment. every one of his burst trash-bag of personality defects — the preening, the vindictive spitefulness, the sociopathic need to settle every score — was on display. no, not just on display, but cranked up way past eleven.

the time allotted for Donny’s speech was the traditional fifteen minutes, but of course the in-love-with-himself dipshit prattled on for a full forty-five — because he’s a Very Special Self-Entitled Boy Who Gets To Ignore Convention And Do Whatever He Wants, Because Who’s Going To Stop Him?

let us document the atrocities. Donny praised himself for deeply imaginary accomplishments.

“now, after ending all of these wars, and also, earlier, after negotiating the Abraham Accords, which is a very— [here, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants loses his train of thought] big thing for which our country received no credit, never receives credit. everyone says I should get the Nobel Peace Prize for each one of these achievements.”

really? is that what ‘everyone’ is saying?

I know of at least a few people who don’t think President Bombdropper McWarlord should get a prize dedicated to peace. we could start with all the Venezuelans who’ve gotten human-rights-violated to death for the high crime of being in a fishing boat.

if Donny’s so horny for a Nobel Peace Prize, why doesn’t he just steal one, as he did with the World Cup trophy that’s now on display in the Oval Office.

remember that incident? the head of FIFA brought the trophy to the White House, just to show it off, and Donny was all this is mine now.

Donny should ring up Obama and invite himself over for a slice of cake or whatever, and then just brazenly walk out with the Prize in his freakishly undersized hands — this is mine now — because frankly, that’s the only way he’s ever getting one.

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but Donny didn’t just praise himself — he whined about long-held grievances we didn’t even know he had.

“many years ago a very successful real estate developer in New York known as Donald J. Trump, I bid on the renovation and rebuilding of this very United Nations complex. I remembered so well. I said at the time that I would do it for $500 million, rebuilding everything. would be beautiful. I used to talk about it, I’ll give you marble floors, they’ll give you terrazzo. but they decided to go another direction that produced a far inferior product. I realized they did not know what they were doing when it came to construction.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. you bid on a job and you didn’t get it. get over it already.

frankly, the UN really dodged a bullet when they passed on Donny’s grand plan to turn their complex into a vulgar gold-plated nightmare.

and years later, the demented slumlord who clownishly speaks of himself in the third person still carries a grudge over never being able to bring that bordello-gift-shop aesthetic of his to the UN.

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oh look — Donny managed to insult the entire United Nations in the most infantile way possible.

“I’m really good at this stuff. your countries are going to hell.”

that’s America’s Mad King, making friends wherever he goes.

Donny was, above all, an incoherent mess.

“but you know, we have a border, strong [gestures with hands], and we have a shape [gestures again] and the shape doesn’t just go straight up [gestures again]. that shape is amorphous [gestures again] when it comes to the atmosphere.”

thanks for shitsplaining that, Professor Nutso.

that was just four short clips. it could have been forty clips, or four hundred — because every second of that forty-five minute speech was wall-to-wall crazypants fucknuttery. but what we really need to talk about is EscalatorGate™.

on his way to deliver his speech, Donny experienced an incident so terrifying and so emotionally scarring that it caused him to misspell both ‘halt’ and ‘riding.’

“the escalator came to a sudden hault as we were ridding up to the podium.”

let’s listen in as Donny describes his near brush with certain death.

“all I got from the United Nations was an escalator that on the way up stopped right in the middle. if the first lady wasn’t in great shape, she would have fallen. but she’s in great shape. we’re both in good shape, we both stood— and then a teleprompter that didn’t work. this is, these are the two things I got from the United Nations, a bad escalator and a bad teleprompter. thank you very much.”

oh my god, Mister President, what a harrowing experience, to be halfway up a crowded escalator, only to have it violently lurch to a sudden stop, throwing everyone off balance and threatening your very life.

it truly well does sound terrifying — except for the part where that’s not how any of that shit went down. here’s the video.

wait, is that all that happened? the escalator stopped as soon as Donny and his Slovenian rent-a-wife got on it, and no one was ever in any danger at all? and after about two seconds, everyone figured out what was going on, and just walked their way up to the top?

yup, that’s right: nothing happened. but Donny is such a big drama queen that he has to spin it into a tale of certain death that’s narrowly averted only by the preternatural physical splendiferousness of both him and what’s-her-face.

you may reasonably ask: why is a stopped escalator such a big deal?

here’s why it’s a big deal: Dear Leader was slightly inconvenienced for an entire thirty seconds — so naturally, the cultists completely lost their shit.

“The second that escalator stopped, bullets should been flying at the UN staffers who orchestrated this attack, rendering our President a sitting duck.”

what a great idea. let’s just start spraying bullets in all directions, before anyone even has a chance to figure out what the fuck just happened. what could possibly go wrong?

Fox News found object Jesse Watters has a more nuanced suggestion: why waste bullets, when we have bombs?

“this was an insurrection … what we need to do is either leave the UN or bomb it.”

oh, please. could you people get over yourselves? it was a minor glitch. just give that escalator the Nobel Peace Prize it so richly deserves and move on.

but no, we can’t move on. we live in the stupidest possible timeline, so we have to turn a stopped escalator into an international incident.

“If someone at the UN intentionally stopped the escalator as the President and First Lady were stepping on, they need to be fired and investigated immediately.”

you fucking snowflakes. investigated for what? what’s the crime, Grand Theft Thirty Seconds?

and so someone from the UN secretary general’s office had to waste their precious time investigating this international crisis.

Stéphane Dujarric, a spokesman for the U.N.’s secretary general, said a White House videographer, who was traveling backward up the escalator to try to film the president’s entrance, may have inadvertently triggered a built-in safety mechanism.

“The safety mechanism is designed to prevent people or objects accidentally being caught and stuck in or pulled into the gearing,” Mr. Dujarric said.

that’s right, Donny’s own merry band of incompetents were the culprits — and that includes the misfiring teleprompter.

“A U.N. official said the UN understands that someone from the president’s party who ran ahead of him inadvertently triggered the stop mechanism on the escalator. The official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the White House was operating the teleprompter for Trump.”

naturally, the I Did My Own Research crowd immediately transformed into experts in escalator technology.

“Escalators do not have built-in sensors to detect and stop for someone running on them; they only have emergency stop buttons at the top and bottom that passengers can press to halt the escalator in case of a hazard, as well as other safety mechanisms for accidental reversal.”

whatever you say, Mister Rando On Elon’s Nazi Bar.

for fuck’s sake, it was a minor escalator mishap. so what? annoying shit happens all the time. normal people just sigh, and get on with their lives.

but of course, none of the bullshit we now have to endure on a daily basis is normal.

I’m just going to leave this photo here, for no reason in particular.

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here’s your daily reminder that I can be found on Blue Sky at this link.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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