no, you fucking ghouls, school shootings don’t have to be a ’fact of life’

every other country in the world thinks we’re nuts

conservatives have an endless supply of shit sandwiches that they’re constantly shoving in our faces and telling us how delicious they are.

they want us to believe that affordable healthcare is communism. that a woman’s primary function is to be a compliant fetus incubator. that adults dressed in costumes, reading to children in libraries, is going to result in the collapse of western civilization. that two men loving each other will somehow lead to Rick Santorum marrying his dog.

but of all the fuckery foisted upon us by these freaks, there’s one item that’s so putrid that it stands head and shoulders above the rest: that dead children are just the price we pay to live in a free society.

Couchfuck McGee is very very sad right now.

“I don’t like this, I don’t like to admit this, I don’t like that this is a fact of life.”

so sad. so very very sad. but what can Couchfuck do about it? he’s just a United States Senator. it’s not like he has any say in how the laws of our nation are forged.

dead schoolkids are just a fact of life.

after all, Dear Leader told us to just get over it.

Couchfuck does have a solution, though — and happily, it’s one that doesn’t require him to do any hard work.

let’s turn schools into maximum security prisons. let’s harden the fuck out of them.

shit yeah, let’s do this. let’s replace every door of every school with thick reinforced steel, and make sure they’re locked every minute of the day. let’s put bars on all the windows, and post armed guards every fifty feet. let’s arm teachers to the teeth.

I’m loving this idea. yes, maybe it’s true that we’ve defunded our public schools to the point where teachers have to buy their own chalk — but if we all pull together and search our couch cushions, we’ll magically find the money to pay for all this shit.

this is just the message you want to send every child in America: get used to being treated like a prisoner. it’ll come in handy later when Dear Leader decides you aren’t worshiping him enthusiastically enough and chucks you in a Trumpcentration Camp™.

hey, maybe we can give every schoolchild their own Secret Service detail and a plastic box to live in.

(by the way, mad props to the internet commenter who called this a douchebag aquarium. you fucking rock.)

oh hey, there was another mass shooting last night.

Five people were injured in a shooting on Interstate 75 near London, Kentucky, Saturday evening and more were hurt in a minor traffic crash caused by the shooting, the London mayor told The Courier-Journal.

The shooter, who has not been caught, fired shots at I-75 from the edge of a wooded area next to the highway, he said.

maybe we need to be hardening every highway in America.

there is, of course, one rational solution to mass shootings that’s staring us all in the face. it’s a solution we know will work, because we’ve seen it work.

in 1994, Bill Clinton — aided by Democratic majorities in the House and Senate — passed a ban on assault weapons, and for ten whole years, Americans got to live in a country relatively free of daily instances of mass slaughter and mayhem.

ten years later, war criminal George W. Bush — aided by Republican majorities in the House and Senate — let the assault weapons ban lapse, and now we live in a country where a mass shooting takes place roughly every 16 hours.

every other country on the planet looks at our rapidly rising body count and concludes that we’re fucking nuts.

there is no way that our founders intended for the Second Amendment to be used as a smokescreen to explain away that dead children are just the price we pay to live in a free society.

I guarantee that if you could travel back in time and demonstrate to our founders an AR-15 in action, each and everyone one of them would shit their breeches.

and for those of you keeping score at home, zero schoolchildren have been killed this year by drag performers reading library books.

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Agolf Shitler held a hate rally in Wisconsin yesterday afternoon, and we got to watch the media sanewash a batshit crazy speech in real time.

Donny has totally broken with reality — and he’s taken his cultists along with him. he’s convinced his deranged worshipers that only he can solve problems that absolutely do not exist.

it’s fucking maddening to watch the media whitewash over Donny’s increasing insanity and present him as just your average presidential candidate.

listen to Donny once again lie about “post-birth abortion.”

“but he even signed, Tampon Tim, even signed a law that allows abortion in the ninth month, and babies to be executed after birth.”

okay, look — here are the three reproductive rights bills that Tampon Tim signed in 2023.

Chapter 28, House File 16 prohibits mental health practitioners or mental health professionals from providing conversion therapy to vulnerable adults and clients under age 18. The bill also prohibits fraudulent or deceptive advertising practices relating to conversion therapy.

Chapter 29, House File 146 prevents state courts or officials from complying with child removal requests, extraditions, arrests, or subpoenas related to gender-affirming health care that a person receives in Minnesota. As states across the country move to ban access to gender affirming health care and restrict access to gender-affirming care, the bill protects the rights of Minnesota’s LGBTQ+ community to seek and receive gender affirming health care in Minnesota.

Chapter 31, House File 366 , the Reproductive Freedom Defense Act, ensures that patients traveling to Minnesota for abortion care, and the providers who serve them, are protected from legal attacks and criminal penalties from other states.

do you see anything in these bills that allows for what Donny claims?

Donny’s still blithering nonsensically about schools kidnapping children for sex-change operations.

“can you imagine you’re a parent, and your son leaves the house and you say ‘Jimmy I love you so much, go have a good day in school’ — and your son comes back with a brutal operation. can you — can you even imagine this?”

no, I can’t imagine this — because I’m not a deteriorating demento, nor am I a brainwashed cultist who believes everything Dear Leader tells me.

Donny’s toadies will be all over the Sunday cable shows today. will any of them be asked to name one school where forced gender reassignment is taking place?

ha fucking ha. don’t make me laugh.

what even is this?

“they will have a hundred million of these people in here, with another four years. a hundred million people. if you think you have a nice house, have a migrant enjoy your house — because a migrant will take it over. a migrant will take it over. it will be Venezuela on steroids.”

now, here’s where the sanewashing takes place. Donny is still hella mad about having to run against Kamala Harris, and not Joe Biden. so unfair! Donny’s lizard brainstem demands revenge and retribution, and so he’s come up with a cunning plan to make sure he never has to run against Kamala ever again.

“and finally I will support modifying the 25th Amendment to make clear that if a vice president lies or engages in a conspiracy to cover up the incapacity of the president of the United States. if you do that with a coverup of the president of the United States, it’s grounds for impeachment immediately and removal from office, because that’s what they did.”

once again, a ‘solution’ to a problem that does not exist.

and here’s how CNN — live and on the scene — chose to cover Donny’s speech. did they mention the lies about post-birth abortion? did they say anything about the fever-swamp hallucination of children forced to undergo gender reassignment? did they maybe even fact-check the fantasy of migrants taking over everyone’s houses?

no, they fucking did not.

“but Donald Trump did make some sort of news today. he mentioned that he actually supports modifying the 25th Amendment in order to be able to have a vice president be impeached if they do not raise alarm bells of whether or not the president himself — the president him or herself, I should say — are maybe unfit to serve.”

got that? just a normal, average presidential candidate giving a normal, average campaign speech, in which he introduced normal, average policy proposals.

following his hate-rally, Donny posted his beauty to his crappy app.

nothing to see here, just a despot wanna-be threatening ‘long term prison sentences’ for the ‘skullduggery’ of his perceived enemies.

and where are the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press? if Kamala publicly melted down like this, it would front-page news on every paper from coast to coast. it would be the lead story on every cable news show.

but when Donny does it — over and over — crickets.

come on, media, do your fucking jobs — before it’s too late.